February 13, 2002
Today, I tried to sit down. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to reach for a styrafoam glass. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to drink from a cup. And I couldn't. Today, I looked at my hand. And it was shaking shaking shaking shaking shaking...
It just wouldn't stop shaking. So, I flattened it out. I flattened it on the desk. And it stopped. Until I raised it again.
All I can think about these days. Are the sedatives. All I can think about these days. Are the intoxicants. All I can think about these days. Are the pacifiers. All I can think about these days. Are you. All I can think about... All I can think about...
Oh, life. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you.
February 11, 2002
It's 9 o'clock on a lovaly Monday night. I hope that everyone is doing well. My apollogies for not "blogging" sooner. My computer is on the fritz. I am at work at the moment. Listening to the song "sober", which, I will have you know, is presently my favorite song. I have a slight bit of a migraine. That's always a blast. I think that I will go to the dance, if before it I recieve some sort of sedative that will keep me from killing everyone there. I think that Lauren should go with Alex B. That would be awesome. My mind hurts for no appearent reason. I can't explain. Despite the fact that I am content, I am also very very confused. I don't know how to put in words how I feel, so I will just say that I ache. Because I do. Well, life is a crazy thing that I don't know how to deal with. I am at the crossroads. I don't know what direction I will chose to take. I say that in the sense that I don't know what road I will take, and I don't know what road I will chose. In the words of Robert Frost I desire to take the road less traveled. But on the other hand there are so many roads that I yearn to take opposed to that road less trodden. So...we will see how this unfolds. I feel like I am on the verge of something tremendous. Something that I don't even know about yet...whatever that means to you or me I am not sure. I don't like the notion of destroying my own body, but I am pretty good at it. Well, I don't know what else to say except I hope that you all will think of me when you think about ambiguous change and alteration. And I hope that you think of me when you think of someone who is lost. And I hope that you think of me when you think about all the stupid fucks that aimlessly roam this world without a purpose or a goal. Think of me - will you? Think of me.
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