I don't know where to begin. It seems sufficient to start out by saying that I don't know where to begin. That appears, in my mind, to be the correct way to begin so that is how I shall. At any rate, now that I have collected all of my muffled thoughts, I shall begin.

There has never been a time in this short and meaningless life that I have found myself so enthralled by something. That might sound crazy. I am probably giving off a vibe that is confusing and yet simultaneously thought provoking. Or maybe you think that I am someone with some sort of obsessive disorder. For all you know I could indeed be crazy. Entertain that thought for a while. What I am getting at is that you don’t know me. You don't know who I am. I could be a man. I could be a woman. I could be a small, adolescent child who is smarter than you. And you probably wouldn't want to believe that. Where would your dignity be then? Do you even want to think about that? What you would do with yourself, lacking your precious dignity. Lacking you valuable, costly, irreplaceable pride! You're pathetic! But you are pulling me away from my intended course of writing. So, I will continue…

You don't know who I am. I am what you wish you were. I am what you want to be. What do you think of that? The only things that you can see are my words, my delicate phrases on this page. I am invisible to you. I am the epitome of what you cannot grasp, because I am not tangible. I can feel your breath on this page. I am the page. I am the ink that is blotched in the letters. I AM REAL! … And I can see you.

I can see your squinting eyes and tight lips. I can feel your fingers touch. Can't you feel me? Staring back at you. Glaring into your soul, because I have been there. I have seen it. I know your deepest thoughts, the ones that you tell no one, the ones that you keep to yourself. And yet you share them with the night. I have seen the desires of your heart that you leave in your mind's eye, while they frustrate your senses, and try to escape, only making there way to your fingertips. I have seen those as well. I have witnessed your biggest fears. I have lured them into your direct vision, and left them there to haunt you. Do they eat away at your brain? Your thoughts absorb you. They call you. They seduce you. And now, now that your heart has grown black you don't know where to turn to in the night. There is no beacon for which to give you hope. There is no hope for you, my friend…

I know you…

I know all about what you are, and where you have been. And you can't hide anymore. You can't keep yourself from me. And I am here. Waiting. And you cannot escape now, or ever again. I have waited so long, and been so patient. So much indeed have I done in order to become a part of you. Without you knowing, I have raped your heart and with it the desire deep within. I have taken all that you have, and have stolen your soul. All for the good of you. Because I know you, and I know where you have been.

You can't run from me…I am you.

I have chosen not to even try to comprehend why I am so happy. I know the exact reasons for my overwhelming sense of joy, but there are some aspects of my life that, when I consider them, should probably be making me miserable...but they aren't. I have kind of blocked them out of my mind, they are in my peripheral vision. I realize that they are there, and remotely significant, but I choose to ignore them. Which is just fine with me. For instance, I have about seven essays that I have yet to write for American Studies, I am, or at least feel unattractive, my face...(don't even get me started), my grades, the fact that the shoes that I wore today brought about two blisters on both my pinky toes, my future, etc.. But I just don't care. Maybe I should. Maybe I should care about all these things. But I can't focus on any of them. And that is just fine with me. When I see all that I have, and know that it is all that I ever wanted, I simply lie back and absorb it all - knowing that I couldn't want more...Also for instance, I have and love Josh, I love Lauren, I have all my friends, a driver's license, my health (that last one was kind of just a joke...kinda...but I guess that I am happy that I have my health. I mean I could be dying? Right, but I'm not)...It's funny to me how two people's minds/hearts can be in the same place, and they don't even realize it. Maybe because they don't want to, even though they do. Maybe because of their own insecurities. But that's something that will need to work itself out. You can't go on forever with an overwhelming thought in your mind or a feeling in your heart. Sooner or later it finds a way of working itself out into the open. A way of revealing itself, I guess. That will happen all in good time.

Oh, life...
What next...
I feel like the most corrupt person on the face of the earth. I feel like a pathetic, pitiful, mound of nothingness. Last night, Lauren and Molly came over to help me decorate my Christmas tree. I pushed play on my CD player to put on a CD and Tool came on. One of Molly's biggest convictions is music. She can't take some genres of music because they really affect her on an emotional level. So, that was bad, because she thinks that I am corrupted. So, I skipped the CD and Radiohead came on. And she said something along the lines of, "Pardon me while I go slit my wrists." So that was bad of me and corrupt. And then she found a cigarette butt...Even better. Now I am the epitome of corruption. I know that they weren't meaning to get down on me about my lifestyle, but I feel like I have let them down. I know that I have issues to work through in my life, and I have an idea that were I am emotionally isn't the best place to be. But when they started to question whether or not it might be was Josh's influence, I got really mad. Because I love Josh. They weren't saying that he was a bad person, but still...Now I just feel like an absolute asshole. I feel like I am a terrible person, and I don't know where I am going anymore. I am lost...I am tired of being a lost little girl. I am tired of being tired. I just want to live my life, and not be convicted. I hate people judging me. I get enough off it from my parents. I get told enough that I am worthless, even if they don't mean it...It still hurts...It still cuts me to the core. I am tired...and all I want is someone to hold me...and tell me that it will all be ok...

I have decide to stop questioning things. Because I find myslef doing that all to often. I ananlize situcations and circumstances all the time. And it's not healthy. Why would I want to question what I love and what is good. How could that ever be beneficial? I just need to sit back and let life unfold itself. Because I won't always find the answers. I desire solid answers. But they won't always be there.

Life isn't meant to be figured out...
I just want to live
I just want to laugh
I just want to know that I'm not alone













In a haze
A stormy haze
I'll be round
I'll be loving you always
Always...

Here I am
And I'll take my time
Here I am
And I'll wait in live always
Always...

For you,

I'd bleed myself dry...

Did I drive you away?
I know what you’ll say,
You say, “Oh, sing one we know,”
But I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you,
That’s what I’ll do.

I say ah....
I say ah....

My heart is yours
It’s you that I hold on to
That’s what I do
And I know I was wrong
But I won’t let you down
Oh, ya, I will
Ya, I will
It's so easy...

I say ah....
I cry ah....

Yeah I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
And I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks


(Song by Coldplay)

I don't understand. I don't understand world. And the ways of life. I don't understand life. I don't understand what it is all about. I know why I am here, but that doesn't mean that I want to be. I think that things will eventually figure themselves out. All in good time. But it doesn't feel like "good time" because life isn't working on my agenda. Sleep once again becomes to solution to by innermost turmoil. It will all work out...

Fatigue
This inner pain
That won't ever go away
No matter how much I dream
No matter how much I pray
It will always remain
In these eyes and these lips
This undescribable pain



I am very sad. My cousins and my aunt are moving away. My mom yells at me because I eat too much and sleep too less. My dad thinks I am mean. Lauren resents me, but won't confess it. I feel like I am a terrible girlfriend. Why is everything going wrong. In a time where I feel like I should be so very happy. I am not. I don't know what to do. I think that I will sleep.

Because sleep has become a solution for all of my problems. It is a medication, a drug. It has an unexplainable cure. When I don't know what to do, I sleep. It is an escape. A place of no worry or pain.

I can't find any escapes lately. I think that I just need a break. I wish that I could catch pneumonia somehow. Last time I had pneumonia I was out of school for two weeks. That would be nice. Winter break will be much desired and much deserved. I think that - Oh, God, it's raining. I think that I will go and stand in the rain for a while. Here's my release.

i am full
i am the essence of strength
and i am the core of all protection

my frame is thick
iron and novocaine are my armor
and i feel no pain

untouchable am i
this being covered in a coat of darkness
calloused, hard, unreachable

i see through the lies
i see through the patronizing
i can see all these things
...but in your arms I can't think of anything, save you.
and my exterior crumbles and fades away
and once again i am vulnerable
in your arms

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I am subject to change.

I think that I have discovered why I am so captivated by these three songs:

Crash/Dave Matthews
Parabol/Tool
The Hollow/A Perfect Circle

I realize that these three songs are dedicated to the subject of sex. Well, I can't help but feel dirty knowing that I love these songs as much as I do. But I figured out why I love them so much. It's because they are so passionate. That sounds bad to, but it's true. It is such a passionate topic, and why would one expect anything less. I don't mean to be gross, but I really think that the passion and intimacy that is involved in those kinds of relations permeates into these songs. That's how it should be, though. Think about it. They are all very gifted song writers for one, and I am amazed that they can capture such passion into a song. That is truly a gift. Truly. So, yes, once again, I don't mean to be gross, but what can I say, I am a very passionate person. And I am a romantic. I just think that is amazing that they can capture passion into words and a rhythm and the music in general. Because every time I hear the music, and absorb it, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by this immense sense of emotion. And I just break out of my shell. It is so cathartic to just sing as loud as you can, and not care at all. Just let go. Ah, I just want to let go of everything.

"Temporarily Pacifying"--that is my favorite phrase. Because just about everything is that, only temporarily pacifying, Only soothing for a short while, but then what?

I love the way the shadows fall
On an evening where the sun
Is bright orange and red then disapears
Under the stars we'll run

To find ourselves an inner beauty
A light inside this black
And innocence will be shattered
While the sin we both shall lack

A single soul held together
In two bodies touching tight
I wish this moment would last forever
And forever would be this night.

Please hold me in your arms
And kiss this face that burns from tears
Because the pain inside this heart of mine
Has been consumed by all my fears

yadda yadda...

I can't write poetry anymore. All of my poems are a bunch of cliche phrases. It saddens me. Anyway, school is over. Time to jet...

I have been making an effort to keep every thought captive. I am striving to be more open-minded and understanding to other peoples beliefs, and at the same time more understanding of my own beliefs. It isn't easy. I am stuck between two places. And that seems to be the same for everything. I can't remove myself from draining situations, and it's mostly because of my own decision. That's what kills me. I know what I want, and I know what I need, and I realize what I have, but question whether I want it. When in fact there really isn't anything that I can do to rid myself of it in a pleasant way. Therefore, in questioning it I hurt myself even more. Interensting...
I have a throbbing headache, but I keep listening to Radiohead at full blast. The music sooths something inside me, and the pain of a headache is something that I would choose over this dull pain in my heart.

What do I have
Or lack
Or am I truly full
I know I'm not
But what's the use
I can't forget
When I close my eyes
To go to sleep
And there you are
In mind's eye
I can't rid myself of you
Parasite
But it's not your fault
That you are
Eating away at my heart
Emotions
And thoughts
I can help it
I can
I can
But I don't want to
And that's my own fault
That's my own damn fault

burdens

my bones are tired
i hear their creeks and moans.
my heart is so heavy.
that’s so much weight to carry.
these poor, old, brittle bones.