Here I am again.
Here I stand.
I live.
I breathe.
I forget to breathe.
Sometimes.
Too often.
I listen to the dreams of the past.
The futile hopes.
Voiced by those who wish they could have lived them.
Regretted by those who gave up.
They gave up.
But I listen to their meek voices.
And I see their eyebrows squint in the faint candle light.
It makes me wonder.
I cannot grasp the truth.
I cannot hold it in my hands.
Fingers trembling to grip.
Knuckes tense and soar.
I discover.
That I cannot find the answers.
And all that I can do is stand here.
Listening to the words of those who gave up.
They gave up.

To find the reasons for one's actions is a concept so fathomless that I just don't want to even try anymore.

Then what are you going to do now.

I think I'll just sit here.

Sit there and...think...

God dammit, you're right. I can't get my mind off of anything. All I do is meditate on the simplistic ways of life, the minuscule problems, the insecurities that must be coped with on a daily basis, and try and to figure out the equation the makes them so complex.

But they aren't complex.

Don't you think I already know that? I just want to find some method to this madness. I need answers.

But there aren't any. We are all just simple beings. We live our lives, basking in pleasure and resenting anything that makes complexity, but you- God, you try and find the complexity in situations and circumstances that hold no complexity.

You don't know what it's like inside this brain. You have no concept of what I deal with in this mind. I know that there aren't answers, but has there ever been a time- anytime, that you just simply sat back, and contemplated something that you didn't understand, and wished that there was and answer, but you already knew the futility of your own meditations? I go through this everyday. I see things through two separate frames of mind. I have numerous perspectives of life. I see someone loving someone else, and I wish that I knew what compelled that person to feel the way they did. I see someone standing in a corner, cowering at their own self-induced insecurities. They slit their wrists with the razor blades that they concoct with their own thoughts. They cry futile tears. I see someone that is full of love and the desire to give, and yet they are neglected by all for no reason. Why? Why are they neglected when they hold in their hand a solution to so many people's problems? I see a lost child who can't find them self amidst there own life. How does that work? They look in the mirror everyday and see their own reflection, and yet they can't see through the thoughts that clutter their beautiful mind. So they are left, alone, in within their own confusion. I see someone holding dear to all that will get them nowhere. They see only what they want too see, and don't realize that there are emotions that fill this world. They are lost in there own desires and can't see the way out of the maze of life that they worked their way into. I see people who are desperate and need the most simplistic things, and yet, those are not even met. Do you ever see this? Do you ever feel this way?

whisper

here we lie.
I in you arms,
and you,
in mine.
never letting go.
please hold on.
stay inside
this craving body.
stay inside
this starving void.
what was once
my heart
now belongs
to you.
wait here.
wait here
with me
in the blackness
of the night,
and we
shall reside
forever within
each other.
and always
immersed in
one another
by no means
forgetting
to
never
never
let go.

If the Crayon Man is dead I will be thoroughly disappointed. Not because he was entertaining, or an excellent writer, or even because I will never know who he was or how real he was. I will be disappointed because I have empathy for people. I have this heart that won't let me forget things. People dying doesn't sadden me. It's people who don't need or have a reason to die that hurts me. I don't understand how something could inadvertantly wound my heart. I don't know if I see like a cynical person, or if I appear to be more apathetic then empathetic. But nonetheless, in my heart is what I feel, and what I know to be true. For some reason my emotions made the Brad seem like such a reality, because there are people that live that life. There are those who end up that way. And it kills me on the inside. I don't know if that seems foolish, but the notion of someone living that way, and dying that way makes me so very sad. I don't understand my own logic. I just know that I have a lot of compassion in this heart for others, and I know that for some reason that story made me so sad. And I can't stop thinking about it. I debate which is more depressing: the fact that I hold onto this story as if it were reality, or the fact that I do think it is reality. I'm not sure. I have to go.

I have not the space to breath
Or maneuver in my skin
I cannot adjust my mind
I cannot see my own reflection in the mirror
I do not know where I ended up
I do not know where my face is
Who am I?
There are far too many razor blades
In my right-hand pocket
And I have no place to put them
They clutter my heart
And I need a release
For them
Not me
I have no where to put them
I have no where to put them
I have no where to put them
Too many cutting thoughts
Too many razor blades

I've got plans...
Oh, I've got big plans, my children. I have got great plans for this life...plans for this girl. It's a suicide world, but not for me. None of that for these lips, and this smile…this love. Everything is aaaaaaaaaal-right. Staring at a heart in a tin box. Watching a soul in a Tupperware container. They aren't free. They aren't free. They aren't like me. I swim to the laughter. I float to my own peaceful contentment. And why not? The songs of the birds that sit in the treetops are the sounds of serenity. I have such big plans my friends. I have such great, monumental plans. I wish you knew my hearts desires. I wish you knew my brain. Look through my mind's eye and see this. But I am surely surely glad that you do not. Because that's where I store my intentions. Which, mind yourselves, are all all all all good. Lovely lovely day with out rain. Sun shines through window pains, through glass containment. Look what you've done to me. I sit here in this room writing paper about books that I have never read. I should be outside. Like a little child playing in a sandbox. What have I done to me along with you? Ah well, my day will come. My hope is here. And it is there as well. I care so much about my dreams I can't help but smile. Such great expectations. I didn't like that book. But I do love life. I don love the ocean. I do love music in my ears and ringing through out my head. I love so very very much.

Hmmm.

Lovely.

It's the same

It falls to the ground

Touching the walls on its way down

Slightly tangled

And partially swallowed

Yet still afloat

Still bobbing in the stale waters

But falling

Catching

Scuffing...

Augh...






Feeling sick. I think that's because I just ate about 5 pieces of cake, 2 eggs and a can of pop. Mmmm...cake. I spent the night at my cousin's apt. last night. And despite the fact that she had NO food at all it was a lot of fun. But then again, my cousin is always fun to be around. It was one of those nights where you find yourself falling into a different perspective of life. I stepped out of my own body- I stepped out of myself, and looked down onto the group of girls, driving down an old, abandoned stone road. They were in their prime. They could have been doing anything, somehing remotely important. But that wasn't the case. They just drove, listened to the soft music, smoked cigatettes and enjoyed eachothers company- peaceful. That mental picture will stick in my mind forever, it's something that I will never forget- something that I have no desire to forget. It was so so beautiful, and it reminded me of how much I love life. It's moments like that which captivate me, and I don't know what to what to think about anything, save, I love life. How do I deal with life, what am I going to do? So many plans, so many things to love. I just want things to be simple and avoid complexity at all cost. Last night, I fell in love with life.

"Without love we are hollow centers of selfishness, with love we are unstoppable forces of self-liberation. Communication, trust, and chemistry are at the foundation of love. The beginning of love is born in our eyes and grows in our actions. Then in a moment, a line or a look can change every dimension of our relationship, and begin an endless journey toward unity."



I want to make you the center of my world, the wholeness, the beauty, the lifeblood, the source for inspiration and truth. The one that I cherish and embrace for as long as my heart will beat. I want to heal you, protect and free you until life becomes a playground for your soul. I want to be your escape, your catalyst and your song. I want dance with you- I want to be your dance. There is no one in this world more precious to me than you. I adore you in the same way that a night sky adores the stars that glisten and give it beauty. When you smile and tell me that you love me, I begin to believe that I have no other purpose in this life but continue to make you feel and say the same. I care so much about you at times I feel that my heart is going beat so intensely that it rips through my chest and soars into your hands- where It belongs. I have lived so long in the name of personal achievement, accomplishment, and ambition. Then in one instance, when my eyes first caught yours, I feel like the only accomplishment that will ever matter to me is your happiness, our happiness.


You are becoming what I have always envisioned as ideal in my life. Watching you come into your own- like placing lost flowers into a vase of eternal solidarity- has been, and will continue to be the meaning of my Life’s pursuit. You stand unwavering, with knees no longer weakened by the insidious intentions of others, those who only wish to take, knowing that even the most plentiful streams run dry and need replenishment. You mirror my smiles and reflect into me inner truth. You are my unconditional everything, and my reasons for ambition and tranquility.


Proud I am, of your courage, your will and your endless capacity to love. You are my emotional and devotional absolute. Proud I am, of how you don’t stop- you don’t ever let up. In the chaotic perfection of life I have found solace in your arms and sanctity in your eyes.


I bear my soul to you- without hesitation and complete myself by fusing my world and my dreams with yours. You pick fruit from the orchards of my thoughts and plant new seeds of passion and hope in the lush fields of my heart. You give yourself selflessly because you can, and you know that I will be here to embrace and appreciate all that you are. I am proud, I am willing and I will always love you.

Sometimes I think that I would give up my artistic talent just to be some sort of muscician. Of course, sometimes I think that opposite of that, but to be able to play some sort of beautiful music creating instrument would be very fulfilling. I am rather tired. I have a feeling that I am going to burn my house down because last night I left a candle burning throughout the black hours. I think that it was because I had every intention of getting up and going downstairs to get food...that never happened. Anyhow, I can't really think of anything to write, and lunch is in about 3 minutes. Mmmm...food.

{I didn't write this...it's a song}

The sun shines
And leaves blow
And my hope
Like autumn
Is turning brown
And I know it seems like I’m always falling down
But it does not matter to me
Although, it seems like it should
It’s because I know I’m understood
When I hear him say
“Rest in me
Little David
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fear
Because I’m always here
When you’re tired of running
I’m all the strength that you need

It’s uphill
Both ways
Tomorrow
I swear
I won’t act this way
And I know it seems like that is what I always say
But it does not matter to me
Although, it seems like it should
It’s because I know I’m understood
When I hear him say
“Rest in me
Little David
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fear
Because I’m always here
When you’re tired of running
I’m all the strength that you need

…It seems so very far away…

Emotional Novocain


Like every other day she plods in late,
And meanders to her locker whipping sleep
Out of here noticeably tired eyes.
She ambles down the desolate hallway of the school,
And thinks of all the things that she forgot
To do the night before. She thinks of how sad

She has been the past few weeks and how sad
She doesn¡¯t need to be. It isn¡¯t even school
That makes her so sad; it¡¯s herself, lack of sleep,
The fact that she¡¯s always late, she forgets
All the time, and she is always, always late.
She wipes the faint tears from her green eyes.

The glow that once filled these eyes
Has gone. She¡¯s five minutes late
For 1st period, and she already wants to sleep
Again. It¡¯s safe to say that she has forgotten
What sleep felt like, and that makes her sad.
Nights consist of what should have done at school,

But wasn¡¯t. She loves school,
And she never ever forgets
All the things that she should do, instead of sleep.
Her depression is what keeps tears in her eyes
It¡¯s keeps her utterly hopeless and sad
It¡¯s what keeps her up late

Into the night, until it¡¯s too late
To do anything productive except sleep
And it makes her so very sad
To even think about school
And she looks into her own eyes,
And remembers to forget

Everything. She remembers to forget
Everything that even involves school.
She remembers to forget that it¡¯s late.
She forgets that she¡¯s sad.
Closes her eyes,
And falls asleep.

This is the escape of sleep.

This is the poem that I wrote for creative writing. This is why I have to see a councilor.

Wave goodbye to the laughter.
Wave goodbye to the sea.
Beckon near grievous comfort.
Beckon near these tears of me.

Wave goodbye to the sunshine.
Wave goodbye to my joy.
Dark clouds fill my skies.
Now rain drops I employ.

My eyes burn ever so badly. I just sit here with them closed, and probably look crazy. Last night I woke up at about 2:50 a.m., and remembered that before I fell asleep, I was really hungry, so I decided to go down stairs. I knew exactly what I wanted. We had made subs and brownies for lunch, and they were to be mine. So, I went down stairs and ate a sub and a brownie and some Coke, (blah) then I noticed that we had Capn' Crunch, so...
Anyhow, talk about gluttony. I ate so much food...but I paid the price...oh yes...I paid the price. I decided that Capn' Crunch is a dooms-day device. Yes...yes, that may sound crazy, BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP WITH CUTS ALL OVER YOUR MOUTH, YOU'LL THINK THE SAME THING!!! BELIEVE ME!!! So yes...dooms-day device. I rest my case...although my mouth still really hurts.

So it has been decided then; I will own a kitty or two. I am excited. The notion of living on my own is such a soothing concept. I decide. But I also decided that it is an unrealistic one as well. I don't have money to support myself! That's quite disheartening. Maybe my cousin will let me move in with her. I can only pray, because she is one of the coolest people that I have ever come in contact with. She isn't like George or Carrie at all, except she is super funny. I love her, and I am glad that she isn't moving to CA with my Aunt Cindy. I feel really sick. For some reason this morning I needed some sort of caffeinated beverage, and seeing as we still had pop from the night before, I took advantage of that. Now I feel ill, because the pop was flat. (I reiterate: blah) I have to pee like a fiend. Whatever that means. I have ever so much to do. Lauren and I are doing well today.

I swear I am bipolar. Like I said, one minute I am as happy as a lark, and when something goes terribly wrong, I flip out and can't function as a normal human being. It will eventually drive me to insanity...that is...if it hasn't already... I am sure that once I move out of my house I will be okay. I am confident that me moving out of my house will be the solution for everything. Mmmm...solutions. So, who wants to live with me? I am ever so tired. Anyhow, stuff. My lips are chapped. But AH HA! I have Carmex. It tastes so so so bad. I am pretty sure that I didn't do so well on my math exam today. Ah, well, such is life. That's not a Megan phrase, but it applies so I will use it anyway.

Today I woke up at 7 a.m., and didn't know what time it was because my clock is off. The funny thing was that I didn't care at all. I just lay there. Wishing that it were Saturday again.

Whew. I am tired. Mis padres made me get up at 8:00 a.m. Hence, the "whew". Whelp, I hope that I can do something tonight. I have to go to my Grandma's 75th birthday party. I like how last night I referred to it as a "wedding anniversary" as opposed to a "birthday", because I am a dumbass. I don't understand how people can get into sports so much, and know just about everything about every sport. That boggles my mind. I am hungry. We have no food, and I was forced to eat oatmeal for breakfast. For some reason, I thought it would taste "good". Oatmeal is like eating a bowl of barf. That's what it looks like anyway. I haven't showered yet, and it's around 1:00 p.m. I smell really bad. Ewww...there's this guy talking on the radio, and he's breathing really hard. He sounds like he has asthma, or he's trying to breathe through a funnel. You know what earks me? When parents make there kids play all sorts of sports. I mean, if the kid really wants to do it, great, but children should not need to live life at a grueling pace. Kids are supposed to have fun and play in the sand, and chase butterflies, and take naps. That's what I think anyway. I think that if I had kids they would be some damn good kids. I would be one of those mothers that the world needs more of. But I don't even want kids. Why? Because I don't even care now. I'm 17, and why would I care about that now? Like the girls of today (I won't name names so that no one is offended) who make all these plans for the future, and have their kids names, know what color their house will be, and what coffee they will drink every morning, and GAH! That's so irritating. I can't imagine my life next week, let alone in 5 years. Glabshada!!!! {made that word up myself, it means: that is so stupid.} I can't imagine a boxed in life. Call me a simpleton, but I only want what I truly need in life. It is agitating to see people drool over cars and computers and automatic blenders with remote controls. All right...I have to take a shower.

I hate Amellia Badillia. She was so so so so stupid!!!


Days without Josh are sad days...


I want food...nourishment...


Need sleep...


I feel ill...



Daniel Weber needs some medical assistance,
don't you Daniel...