Once again, I haven't posted in a while. Only about 13 days left of school. That's a relief, but what isn't a relief is the fact that I have a bit of homework to catch up on. So very much to do. Mostly the things that are haunting me are my art projects and my final project for American Studies. Ya, I don't know how that's going to turn out... I hope for the best always. I am tired. Tired and pudgy. I think that the tiredness derives from the pudginess and the pudginess comes from the sleep and the anti-exercise. Ah well, what are you going to do... Nothing if you ask me. Absolutly nothing. I miss Scout. I miss summer. I miss legs worth showing. I miss being tan. Boy do I sound utterly absorbed with myself and perfectionism. Pff. That's sad in itself. What I miss the mot is not caring. Man, I really don't have too much to say tonight. Except this: let go. I was just thinking.

I think that it is sufficient to say that I haven't blogged in a long time. Does that make sense? Who cares... It's one o'clock in the bloody morning, and I am still at work. Ah, well. Got to get that raise. Ha. That reminds me of "Liar Liar" when the secretary gives Jim Carey his "raise". (her middle finger...tee-hee) Whew Donna, that is some good stuff. Anyhow. I am super tired, BUT I must go home and finish my homework. I was wondering earlier why I was so gosh doarn tired. Then it occurred to me, it's was those God damned muscle relaxers. I think that I'm really sick. I can't seem to not be nauseous. I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, which, mind you, I am not. I'm just tired and cranky. Or maybe I would just rather be at home than here at the death-torium a.k.a. work/job/place. I feel shitty... You know. I was thinking. If someone sneaked into my work place with a gun, and was going to kill me, I would look at them with my sad, dull eyes and say, "Hey man, I hate my job, I don't care what you do to this place, just let me go home and sleep." And the guy/girl for that matter would say, "Oh, ok, off you go." It's just that easy. Try it sometime, see what happens. I don't know...I was just thinking.

So, yeah. My back really itches...a lot. And my chest itches...a lot. That and I got glasses. For me eyeballs that is
Maybe it's these darned glasses that are making me itch so much...Hmmm...could be...

Tomorrow I get to go to Columbus at 6:30 in the morning. That is, I have to be at the high school at 6:30 am. Oh Joy! Oh Rapture! So then, I suppose that sleep is at hand. Wait a second- I just thought of how convenient this whole day field trip will be: tonight, I don't have to do any homework!!! So, sincerely now folks: Oh Joy!!! Oh Rapture!!! What more could a girl ask for?



...



Damn.


Remember how I was just super happy? Well, my bi-polarness is kicking in again and I have suddenly become aware of a frightening realization that may alter my life...oh...not again...Why oh why...Dammit...I hate it when I don't think, and make stupid decisions like this. It happens all the time. All the time. All the time. I wish that I was really seclusive and no one knew anything about me. I wish that things were how they were last summer. So much innocence. Yet so much curiosity. What went wrong. Where did I end up? Shit. I've gone and done it again.

I keep failing my insightfulness. I was looking/trying to think of a song that would fit into what I was feeling. {I did this so that I wouldn't have to write a long blog. Crafty- eh?} Well, I couldn't think of one. So I thought to myself- "Megan, just write what you're feeling. Make up your own song." I got all worked up for it. You bet. I was feeling deep. But I realized that listening to oldies causes one to not be insightful at all. Hearing songs like "Big Bad John" and "Papa's gotta Brand New Bag" {sidenote: I do intend to kill my brother. Realization: I am the only one that I know that is the older sister with two little brother...I am alone in my pain...} made me laugh. Especially when I thought- "I wish I had a brand new bag..."

Anyhow, I am so tired. I don't want to go to Toronto. I wish I were drunk. I wish I were stoned. I hate being here at my house. I am a terrible person. But I don't care. Do you think the cops could make drug-busts through the blogs? I hope not. I'm stupid. I don't mean to be all morose here people, don't interpret this incorrectly. I just want some pot. That's all. I just want it for my trip to Toronto. Is that too much to ask? I expect some of you to silently judge me for wanting pot. Hey, that's okay with me. Do your thing. Consider me less a person. It really doesn't phase me anymore. I have found that people just don't change. So why bother caring what they think. So if anyone wants to sell me some pot I would be much abliged. I don't know how to spell that...

I just read this:



meg,

ya know, mood rings are funny things. mine canges color out of no where. it didn't even explain what the colors ment on the package so i never know how i feel. i have to just feel what i feel instead of lookin at this handy ring that i have. i want to know what i feel with out having to look deep into my soul. i'll make up my own code:



green w/ yellow outside will mean that i'm all hot and bothered abnout something. example; mr rogers comes on tv and starts changing his shoes. my ring turns green with yellow outside because i mean why would you change your shoes to go into your house. why wouldn't you just wear no shoes. i mean its your house mr rogers!! come on now



yellow with pink outside will mean thatmy favorite simpsons episode is on. ya know the one where they turn into the thompsons and they moveinto the boat house and then sideshow bob follows them cause he wants bart dead and thats why they moved because bob wrote them letters inhis own blood. then the rakes. and the brownie and the chain saw. thats good stuff. too bad it hasn't turned yellow with pink outside yet. i miss sideshow bob.maybe someday



all black will mean that i just got out of the shower cause thats what it looks like when i get out of the shower. thats ring sure is smart.



blue with light blue outside will mean thaT i am hungry simple as that


uh oh better go its turning blue with light blue outside. i must follow the ring. its the master of me. why did i just write that i think its taking over my brain. mood rings are good must buy more mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings

love scout



And it made me laugh a lot.

I wish that my brain could be tape recorded somehow...I would make a fortune, because I think the best things. My mind is always so chock-full of hillarious, insightful, crazy, affectionate, interestingly intriguing things. I just cannot handle it sometimes. It's so frusterating because I want to write it all down, but I always forget. That's what's frusterating. Anyhow, I have a paper to write, a painting to finish, a monoprint to finish, a lino-cut to finish, a book to finish, and sleep to get. The funny thing is that despite all of that, I just went to see Josh. And it was worth it. Because I love that kid. Hee-hee: kid. So I was thinking today that it would be so great, if you wanted to run away, to mail yourself. That's right. This is what I would do...

You see I know how to ship things, and this is what the process would be:
Make myself a wooden crate, big enough for me and food and drink and possibly pillows and blankets. Put airholes in it. For breathing purposes. You would have to lay down in the crate, cover it with two pieces of plywood, {sp} and bring the drill into the crate with you. That way you could close it and possibly re-open it. (You would have to call CCX before you got in though and fill out all of the paperwork before this all though.) Then you would wait for CCX to come and take the package!!! IT'S THAT EASY!!! No, really, it would be that easy. I would do it. My face itches. A lot. Remember that time that Josh had roids??? I do...

Today my skin got chapped. It got so chapped that when I put lotion on my hands and arms it burned so badly. I was reading other people's blogs just now, and some of them made me laugh so hard. They weren't funny in a "ha-ha" sense, they were just melodranatic and stupid. I feel bad critiquing other's writing, but I consider it to be a sort of benefit to being a writer in progress. And I suppose there is no one to stop me from thinking what I want anyway, so......

I think that I will go home and take a shower. Then, after I am clean, I will fill up the tub and take a bath. I just think that baths when you are dirty are gross. It's like bathing in a tub of your own filth water. And ew. That's what I say. I have a runny nose. Nasal sex.... Oh, and ew again. That's what I think now, thanks Josh. So, I give up on food. Screw it. It never did anything good for me. Stupid life-giving food. I'll show it. You bet I will. But first I need sleep. No, wait, actually, first I need to go home because it is 10:30 and I am still at my wretched place of employment. Death shall come to you all. I don't know why I wrote that last thing...must be the tired. And I'm off.

success.

In about 15 minutes I have to leave work to go to my church. Seemingly innocent...or is it? I was sucked in. I was sucked in by the promise of pizza. Now...now, I have to watch a video about abstinance. How do things like this happen!!! Is life just one big scam? Or is that just religion? I don't know. I think that the majority of religion is a scam, but not all of it. I have seen the good side of religion. I think that's why I can't let it go. No matter how hard I try something keeps pulling at the strings of my heart. I can't entirely release religion. Oh, the weather is really bad out right now. I hope that I don't crash into some pole, and knock it over and then cause a chain reaction of polls falling- espaecially on people. But only the stupid people, not the good people. That sounds funny. I was just kidding. There is no excuse to tak ea human life- none at all. That is what makes me a level five in moral maturity. I don't approve of the death penalty, and yet, I think to myself, "what am I supposed to do about that? Nothing. So that's how it will stay." I don't follow through with my philosophies. Everytime I stop touching the computer for a number of seconds a bunch of pictures of horses pop up on the screen. It's like some odd screen saver, but the pictures go by really fast. I don't understand. Maybe the person who uses this computer thinks that the horses are erotic, and it's some sort of horse porn. horn. Ha ha... Whew, I am a funny kid. And so is Scout, that whole thing about the being funny and saying she will change made me laugh so hard. Anyhow, must go to horrible movie. Maybe I will be able to escape somehow, maybe I will crash into that poll and it will be God's blessing. {Of course, I won't be dead or anything...} Or maybe I will just go pick up Josh and tell him that it's a movie about the life and times of Art Garfunkle, and then he'll come. That way I won't have to suffer alone. And that way I will share my pain with someone else...


Thanks Josh...

Why don't you people blog anymore?


Sad.


Sad am I.

This sucks, stupid library closing at 8:15. DAMN THE LIBRARY!!! CAN'T THEY SEE THAT PEOPLE NEED TO DO RESEARCH.....yes....research...

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

This song reminds me of things. It reminds me of lots of things. Mostly relationships. It is very well written, and I thoroughly enjoy it. I wish that more people (including myself) would be able to grasp this concept becasue it is so so so so very true. The more I hear this song the more I realize its unblemished truth. I suppose that there is nothing that I alone can do. I wish for the ideal far too often, and it is hard to come to grasp the reality that there will never be an ideal or a purity to the minds of others. It seems selfish now that I think of it, now that I think that I wish people understand what I have come to understand. I wish that people could grasp what I find to be true, and it isn't that I want everyone to believe in what I believe in. I simply want others to catch a glimps at what I see and have seen in the past. So I suppose that it really isn't selfish, just an unachievable hope. No one will ever come to terms with their own problems. No one will ever reach what they want to. It seems like it would make sense to just give up. And to some extent I insist that some people should give up, because what they seek is intangible, but at the same time I think that we would all crumble and fall apart if we didn't have that constant yearning for something that we subconciously know that we cannot have. Maybe this only makes sense in my brain, or maye not. I'm not sure. I was just thinking.

Today, I tried to sit down. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to reach for a styrafoam glass. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to drink from a cup. And I couldn't. Today, I looked at my hand. And it was shaking shaking shaking shaking shaking...

It just wouldn't stop shaking. So, I flattened it out. I flattened it on the desk. And it stopped. Until I raised it again.

All I can think about these days. Are the sedatives. All I can think about these days. Are the intoxicants. All I can think about these days. Are the pacifiers. All I can think about these days. Are you. All I can think about... All I can think about...

Oh, life. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.




Fuck you.

five five five five five five five



don't ask why



don't ask me why



I just don't have to answers ready



I just can't see my own reflection



because it isn't there anymore



it's gone



just like me



just like me
just like me

It's 9 o'clock on a lovaly Monday night. I hope that everyone is doing well. My apollogies for not "blogging" sooner. My computer is on the fritz. I am at work at the moment. Listening to the song "sober", which, I will have you know, is presently my favorite song. I have a slight bit of a migraine. That's always a blast. I think that I will go to the dance, if before it I recieve some sort of sedative that will keep me from killing everyone there. I think that Lauren should go with Alex B. That would be awesome. My mind hurts for no appearent reason. I can't explain. Despite the fact that I am content, I am also very very confused. I don't know how to put in words how I feel, so I will just say that I ache. Because I do. Well, life is a crazy thing that I don't know how to deal with. I am at the crossroads. I don't know what direction I will chose to take. I say that in the sense that I don't know what road I will take, and I don't know what road I will chose. In the words of Robert Frost I desire to take the road less traveled. But on the other hand there are so many roads that I yearn to take opposed to that road less trodden. So...we will see how this unfolds. I feel like I am on the verge of something tremendous. Something that I don't even know about yet...whatever that means to you or me I am not sure. I don't like the notion of destroying my own body, but I am pretty good at it. Well, I don't know what else to say except I hope that you all will think of me when you think about ambiguous change and alteration. And I hope that you think of me when you think of someone who is lost. And I hope that you think of me when you think about all the stupid fucks that aimlessly roam this world without a purpose or a goal. Think of me - will you? Think of me.