Ah, I hate this life. Sometimes I feel that it would just be best if I ended it all. That seems selfish and these seem like the senseless ramblings of a depressed 17-year-old girl. They are. I don't know what else to think though. I can't explain this excrusiating misery. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to just leave it all behind. End everything...what am I saying...I don't even know anymore. There are things in this world that I love, and make it worth saving. But outside of that there is no hope. There is no will to live or continue down this road to utter emptyiness. I sound so dramatic, so foolish. I just wish that I could breathe. I want to be happy, but I don't know how. All that I can think about is Josh, and how I love him. I can't think of tomorrow or yesterday...only him...only right now. And how I wish that he were here. Because I can't do this alone. I can't live through this all by myself...and the vulnerability shines through...I'll probably get beat up tonight. I just can't do this anymore...I can't live this way.

Full


Life that isn’t loved is lost.
Love that isn’t lived is lost as well.
So let us lie here in each other’s arms.
So peaceful.
So soothing.
What more could I ask for.
What more could I need.
In life…in love.
What kind of a world is this where all I need is you?
I don’t question.
I don’t expect to know or learn.
Because I have no desire be taught.
Not anymore.
Not ever again…

Hmmm...didn't go to church today. Haven't gone for a while. It doesn't even feel like a Sunday. My family is at the mall seeing Lord of the Rings. They shouldn't be home for another hour or two. That's exciting. Solitude=Peace. I was going to go, but 11:30 a.m. is far too early to watch a movie, and I wouldn't have followed it as well. I told my parents that I would much rather see it when it is night. The blackness of night has a truer clarity. That and the fact that I want to see it with Josh. But I figured that 11:30 a.m. was too early for him as well. I did call him around 10:45, but no one picked up, and I didn't want to disturb him anyway. I would much rather him be sleeping. I would like to watch him sleep. Because when people are asleep there is such an innocence, such a purity that permeates the atmosphere. Gently closed eyes. Breathing ever so softly. The realization that their mind, their dreams are in some other marvelous places. And they depict a sort of peace like no other. Serenity. It makes me smile. So peaceful. Hmmm...

I feel terribly bad. I hate burdening people with my own problems. It makes me feel guilty. I'm always afraid that people will feel sorry for me, and I don't want that. But I think that in my subconscious I really do want that. But I feel that my misery should be kept to me and only me, because I don't want to make anyone else miserable. At the same time of course I feel that if I keep these emotions all bottled up inside, I won't know what to do with them, and God knows what might happen when I can't handle anymore. {...sigh...} I just can't stand this life that I am forced to live. I have so many mixed feelings about my parents. I know that they love me...they love me so very much that they want to keep me from all things that could ever hurt me. ALL THINGS. My father was talking to me last night about how it's come to the point in my life where "he can't control me anymore". CONTROL??? CON-FUCKING-TROL???? Why in God's name would I want to be "controlled". I want to live my life. I want learn who I am. I want to experience. I want to live! And why not? Everyone else can...I can't tell how to feel about my parents because I know that they love me so much. But they are smothering me and I resent them for that. I don't know how to tell them that I can't take this life. And that all I want is liberation. The things that I love, the things that keep me going - they try to keep out of my reach. And I am still at that age where they can hold it high enough above my head where I can't reach it. Argh...I don't know what to do. "And I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility"...That's all I can think. Hmmm...

They say that it's the "hard times" that prove that relationships can make it through anything. I suppose that this is true. But I do not think that throwing an individual across a room, and proceeding to kick them, pick them up, and punch them is not a solution to anything. My father says that a man can be physically violent with fists because women can be physically violent with words. I debate whether or not those fall into the same category. Hmmm...The sorrys have been said. Apologies have been made...and things are better now... But I can still feel the bruises on my arms and ribs. I can still feel the hurt when I stretch muscles. I can still feel it...

Hmmm...I have found ever so recently that I really detest the feeling of being utterly exhausted, and yet not being capable of sleeping. Ah, I feel like absolute crap...Words can't describe this sickness. Hmmm...maybe I can sleep if I really try...I want to hurl.

A long time to sit
Think
Close my eyes
The images in my mind
The residue of you touch
From the night before
Still haunts me
Still calls me
And I have a craving

My eyes become lit
Blink
As my mind flies
Nothing left to find
Yet I need so much
I need more
I can see
I still see
This life is worth saving

KILL KILL KILL !!!

I have a hearty hankering to listen to Radiohead right now. Ashley Newlove just gave me a Christmas card. Why? I don't know her,nor invest my time or effort into her. Yet this time every year she gives me a card and a miniature candy cane. And done...

Wait...not so much done...

So, last night I went to bed at approximately 3:30 a.m.. I then proceeded to have the worst dream of my entire life. Let me elaborate... So, in this so-called dream I was at my cousin Carrie's house, which is in Arlington Woods in Rudolph (for those that care). Her home is in the woods, and when we were kids we would always make up stories about a crazy homeless man named Ditch-man Pete (whom I DO believe exists to this day). At any rate, Carrie and I were standing in her living room, and we heard the doorknob being turned. At this point in the dream I awoke partially, not entirely, so I was still sleeping, but awake and dreaming. I can't explain it. When, in my dream, I realized that there was a man trying to break into the house, my heart started to beat faster. Not just faster, but harder; a throbbing, beating pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe. I woke up completely and jolted out of my bed, grasping for air to fill my lungs. And that, my friends, was the most terrible, horrifying experience of my life. I can't describe to you in words how awful it was.

For a minute there I lost myself...

Why I breath?
Because of you.
The smoke that once capacitated my lungs,
It isn't crucial anymore.
Why don't you see for yourself ?
Look into my heart,
Pore over my soul.
Because it's here.
Waiting for your influence.
Eradicate this pain,
Divest me of this sorrow.
It's only you...
It's only you...

I decided to stay down here, in the library. Being away from Mrs. Dunn is bliss. So I will now refer to the library as Blisstopia. I spent about half of the period laughing at Puma Man on the MST3K website. Rapture. My head feels like it weighs 49.7 lbs., and my neck isn't nearly strong enough to support it. So, my head is cocked to the side, rather limply. Ah, well, the risk of severe spinal damage in my future I am willing to take. I have to go back to class to get my bowling-ball bag. Curses, foiled yet again. I am in dier (sp) need of sleep. Christmas break, Megan, Christmas break, just keep telling yourself that...Christmas break. I wonder where Emily is today. I don't remember seeing her in A.S. I really truly badly want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to write songs and be a musician. That would be overwhelmingly pleasurable and cathartic. Hmmm...seeing as my family has been so hell-bent on me figuring out what exactly I am to do with my life, maybe I should consider that. But they wouldn't approve. They would call it unpractical. Well, oh, well.

Damn-fucking-computer-shitface-poop-shingles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm...The thought of blood being taken out of my arm is very unnerving. In fact, I can't stand the notion of it. I get blood taken in about a half hour - a fate worse than death. But even though I am so utterly scared, I can't help but feel like an absolute moron. I figured that I was (A) doing a good thing by donating my drug-free, healthy blood to those in need, and (B) I mean come on! I get a free cookie and will more than likely leave school. So, at the time it didn't seem like that bad of an idea...how wrong I was. I don't know what I was thinking. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't written my own name on the page slash signed my own soul over...Wow, am I a moron. My stomach is turning...I had better go...

Your far beyond the visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserable to rescue
Sleeping Beauty...
Poisoned and Hopeless

What now...
What now...
When here again I find myself - lost.
I can't touch to ground.
I can't feel the walls.
I can only see the darkness.
Feel the darkness
The dark lights.
The dark eyes.
This dark karma.
Alone in this fathomless night.
What to do now...
What to feel now...
What to live for now...
When my body hurts so badly.
While this numb mind serves no purpose.
Fingers bleeding.
And my throat hurts from screaming.
So lost...so lost
This poor rejected infant.
This poor abandoned child.
Left for the wolves.
Left to be absorbed by the night.
This pathetic soul.
This worthless being.
A spirit of nothing.
A vessel of emptiness.
And it's better this way.
It's best to be left to drown in my own sorrows and fears.
To open up my old wounds.
And embrace the night that I once lived in.
Oh, well...