Whew. I am tired. Mis padres made me get up at 8:00 a.m. Hence, the "whew". Whelp, I hope that I can do something tonight. I have to go to my Grandma's 75th birthday party. I like how last night I referred to it as a "wedding anniversary" as opposed to a "birthday", because I am a dumbass. I don't understand how people can get into sports so much, and know just about everything about every sport. That boggles my mind. I am hungry. We have no food, and I was forced to eat oatmeal for breakfast. For some reason, I thought it would taste "good". Oatmeal is like eating a bowl of barf. That's what it looks like anyway. I haven't showered yet, and it's around 1:00 p.m. I smell really bad. Ewww...there's this guy talking on the radio, and he's breathing really hard. He sounds like he has asthma, or he's trying to breathe through a funnel. You know what earks me? When parents make there kids play all sorts of sports. I mean, if the kid really wants to do it, great, but children should not need to live life at a grueling pace. Kids are supposed to have fun and play in the sand, and chase butterflies, and take naps. That's what I think anyway. I think that if I had kids they would be some damn good kids. I would be one of those mothers that the world needs more of. But I don't even want kids. Why? Because I don't even care now. I'm 17, and why would I care about that now? Like the girls of today (I won't name names so that no one is offended) who make all these plans for the future, and have their kids names, know what color their house will be, and what coffee they will drink every morning, and GAH! That's so irritating. I can't imagine my life next week, let alone in 5 years. Glabshada!!!! {made that word up myself, it means: that is so stupid.} I can't imagine a boxed in life. Call me a simpleton, but I only want what I truly need in life. It is agitating to see people drool over cars and computers and automatic blenders with remote controls. All right...I have to take a shower.

I hate Amellia Badillia. She was so so so so stupid!!!


Days without Josh are sad days...


I want food...nourishment...


Need sleep...


I feel ill...



Daniel Weber needs some medical assistance,
don't you Daniel...

All I can think about right now is my love for life. I can't imagine why I could have ever been so depressed in the past, and I can't even grasp exactly what it was that I could have been so absorbed by. I know why I became so easily depressed, and I know the exact things tha caused my depression. Now that I look back and draw the facts together, connect what was true as opposed to what I lead myself to believe, and realize what it tool to become the emotionally wreckless person that I was, I understand that there wasn't any foundation under the things that I believed in. I would devour all that was negative and all that was impefect, and place them in my heart and in the center of my mind. I would think about them, brew about them, and not release them, and I don't even know why. It's strange. But I have come to realize that sadness is an addiction, and at least I found comfort there. That sounds odd, but it's true. I could use my sadness as a crutch for anything. It's not healthy. All I can say is that I think of all people and how they have insecurities just like myself. It's stupid, it's so futile to think that people brew on an everyday basis about their problems. I can't think very straight ay the moment. It's frusterating, so I will call it quits.

I want ice cream.
Dave Thomas is dead...
Mrs. Dunn is screaming at Alex Smith.
Karly is cute.
My head hurts a lot.
I want to travel around the U.S.
It smells like butts in here.
That reminds me of The Great Bear Lodge.
The room I slept in smelled like crotch.
I slept in the bed...
Ewww...
So did other people...
Ewww...
I am wearing meat shoes.
But I am not wearing black...
Oh wait, yes I am...
I still want ice cream...

I was hungry last night at 3:00 a.m. Now it's 10:09 a.m., and I am still hungry. >cough< I feel rather peaked. That means fatigued, tired, or worn out. Hmmm... I think far too much. But last night was a delightful exception. As I lie in my bed, I did my very best to avoid the thinking and analyzing process at all cost. So, for about two hours I simply wrote. When I was done writing I was decided that I was tired, and I was, but once I stood up and was moving around, putting paper away and such I got a second wind. So, I had nothing to do. I couldn't write anymore, because I couldn't think of anything to write about. All that had needed to be said, had been. So I sat, Indian style, (that seems racist) on my bed, and stared out the window at the snow covered landscape. It was quite splendid. I didn't do anything. I didn't think, I didn't ponder, I didn't wish, I didn't hope, I didn't brew ... I simply sat and stared and dreamed. Who thought that it would ever be that easy to find peace? Quite serene. I sat there for a good hour, until my eyelids weighed my down onto my pillow, and I fell asleep.

Bamboozled: best word ever...

All that I have eaten for the past week has been chili. I am really sick of it. Yet, I refuse to make something. AH, the wonderful world of laziness. I am drinking out of a gaudy goblet. That makes me laugh. Goblets are so much fun! Or maybe I am simply loosing my grasp on reality/my mind. Today in church our pastor talked about how everyone has their own vision on his or her own life. They forever strive for that ideal vision, and things have to be sacrificed in order to complete that vision. I spaced out for a hefty portion of that message, or was just drawing picturesof Paige as an axe-murderer, but despite this I really thought about my own personal vision on life. I know the exact moment that I desired to see what was past the boundaries of my own life. I remember it quite vividly. I wanted to explore life, and I was disgusted by all that bound me. Quite perplexed and perturbed was I. It was on a retreat with my church's high school youth group. It was somewhere close to Columbus in a "youth hostel", whatever that means. {It was simply a house for groups of people to stay in} People that I had known for a long time surrounded me; people that I thought I knew the best. For the first time, I realized that I just didn't fit. I didn't belong. It really confused me. By "I didn't fit in" I don't mean that they rejected me, but we just didn't connect on the same level. There was something that separated our perspectives. The people who were there had differing mindsets than my own. Their mentalities I just couldn't relate with. At any rate, there I was, at a house that was simultaneously a public place and "grandma's house". I needed to escape the narrow-mindedness that was permeating the room. So, I went outside for a breather. There really wasn't anywhere reclusive to go to, but I managed to find a picnic table, under a willow tree in the corner of the yard. I sat. My only company was a notebook and the lightning bugs. All that I wanted to do was write what I was feeling, but I couldn't. So in a desperate attempt to join all of my muffled thought, I started to move my pencil. This is what I wrote:

I can't think for the life of me.
It's seems like concentrating on anything
Is out of the question.
I can't analyze situations or people
My mind draws blank
I don't feel creative or inspired
And what I want to say I can't
It's like I'm in a foreign country
Out of my comfort zone, but I have found solace.
I can't even understand what I think
But I can dream
Stirred up in my mind are dream I can't imagine
Boiling and Brewing, wishing to get out
I must be tired.


As I sat on the picnic table, facing the west, the sun began to sink into the landscape at its own leisure, until I couldn't see its form anymore. But I wasn't done. I wanted to see it go down wholly. I tried to shift so that I could see. Alas, I still couldn't. The only way I would have been able to see it, was if I got up, jumped the fence and the bushes that were hindering me from seeing the sun, and ran into the far off field. All of the sudden I had an epiphany. It was like an analogy to my personal inner turmoil. Ah-ha! So, I wrote this:

Feel contained
Like I'm forever trapped in a life
That I have to live
It's required of me
It shouldn't be any other way
But I look out
Past my boundaries
And I see a forest
My eyes can't see past its tall trees
Or it's thick brush
They can only imagine
But my heart wants to me free
Shatter the chains that bind me
I can see the sunset behind the woods
And that's were I want to be
Just to walk and never stop
What a freedom
I desire to be on the other side
But even then would I be satisfied?

So, here we see that I am once again not sure of my own desires, and I am left feeling controlled and hopeless.

All that I really want is to live. I love life more than anything, and I suppose that sometimes it seems best to end it because who wants to live a life that is miserable and not free. I don't. I am questioning if I am simply being selfish. I want to live life my own way. Is that selfish? And when I am pushed into a life that I don't agree with or enjoy, I have no reason to be happy about it. I loose my reason to truly love to live. I would never end my life - ever. Of that much I am sure. But I do question life a lot. As I write this I find that I am so unsure about far more than I assumed that I was... All I want is peace of mind. I suppose that I will never be sure of everything in life. All that I want is to live. There are so many things that I love, and I feel as if I am being kept from those, but am I keeping it from myself? Things move to fast. All that I want to do is sit back and laugh. Lie in the snow for a while, and be at ease. I just need to be reassured that everything will be all right. Because I carry these burdens on my shoulders and around my ankles and it's hard to press on sometimes. I don't mean to me negative or a pessimist, I am simply questioning. I don't feel sorry for myself; I just want to know the answers. Do I bring it upon myself? I just don't know. This is making no sense...if it was making any sense at all I have lost it. So, I will go before I confuse myself more.


"I want to lie in the sand, and have sun shine on me. Is that way too much to ask?"

I am feeling rather voided at the moment. Rather voided indeed. I think that this is the combination of no sleep last night and the lack of human contact. I am jealous of those of you who can just leave the house and go to wherever you want, or ask your parents to leave and they let you go, or can even makes plans in advance and they let you leave. I myself do not have this luxury, and it is, in fact, making me sad. It was quite disheartening last night when no one came over. I suppose that this is my own damn fault for having high expectations, but nontheless, disheartening. I just wanted to talk to someone. I called numerous people, but then gave up, because I figured that, being as it was a Saturday night, everyone was out. I hope that everyone had a lovaly evening. I finished my portrait, painted another painting that I titled "my paradox", made oddles of jewlery, which I have been meaning to do for quite some time, and cleaned my room. I called Lauren, to chat and what not. I wanted to see how she was, andsimply just enjoy her company. Whatever was I thinking? She didn't say a word, and I asked her if I should let her go and she told me that was my decision, and I said actually it's your decision because you are the one that is being distant.
"I just don't have anything to say"
"Well, it didn't used to be so difficult for you to make conversation."
"Ya, those were the good 'ol days"
"As opposed to the 'bad days', which I am assuming are now?"
"You don't have to think that they were the good days, but I do."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you aren't obligated to think that they were that great, but I do think that they were."
"Now, what days are we talking about exactly."
"I don't know."

I love it. I want to talk to her, and be with her, but she is hell-bent on the fact that I have changed to such an extent that she just can't connect with me anymore. It really hurts. Well, I have to get ready for church. Listening to aenima compels one to say "fuck" A LOT. Hmmm...I can't imagine why.

Autumn




"Well," the girl said as she looked out over the landscape, I think it's high time that we get ourselves out of this town.? They stood on the front porch overlooking the empty, dismal road. She took a long drag of her cigarette then threw it to the ground. “I have to quit,?she laughed. As the cold breeze picked up, her golden, blonde hair got tangled up in the wind. “And that’s another thing,?she said, “This is the windiest spot in the United States!? The girl whom she was talking to lifted her head and exposed a luminous smile. They laughed, picked up their suitcases, and walked down the steps.

There was a soothing fragrance in the air, one of dead leaves and the fresh autumn air. The girl shut her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the cold breeze fill her lungs. The trees were half bare while the ground was covered in a thin blanket of gold and crimson. An awkward feeling grew in the girl’s eyes as she walked down the cement steps to her car. That feeling soon materialized into silvery tears running down her soft cheeks. “I don’t understand.? She stopped and put her bags down to reach into her pocket. She placed another cigarette in her mouth. “I love autumn, you know. It’s my favorite season. Everything is so beautiful…it’s such a transformation. Nature exfoliates into a thousands colors, and it captivates me like nothing else in the world. I can’t explain it.? Her eyes fell to the ground.

“You know that it’s no good here. You know what lives here,?the other girl said, “No matter how beautiful it is, you know it’s no good.?She placed a hand on her friend’s back. “No more tears.?

“Can we just…sit here…on your porch, for just a little while?? She wiped her face.

“I don’t see any harm in that.?

They sat for a long time, absorbing the atmosphere, watching the life that summer had left behind fade away and fall to the ground. Neither one spoke. There was nothing to say. They just listened to the wind and remembered how it used to be.

“Do you remember when we used to go to Taco Bell every night, and just hang out in there until it either closed or they made us leave??

“Wow, we had no lives…and still don’t.? They laughed and shook their heads.

“Or that one summer that we sat out here every night? How you played your harmonica, and I laughed about how bad it sounded? We were such children then. So innocent.? Another curtain of silence fell over them as the laughter died down.

“Well…do you think that we should go now?? She nodded in agreement, and the two stood up.

“Yeah, I think that it’s time to leave this all behind.?She stared at the desolate street once more her eyes fixed on the unrestrained leaves that blew down the street. They had nowhere to go. They just let the wind carry them.

“Are you ready to go??Her friend interrupted her thoughts.

“Yes,?she said.

I'm judging by the look on your face that you aren't happy. Well, I suppose that I wouldn't expect anything less. You haven't been the same person these past few weeks. You haven't been yourself. It's as if someone else is inside you and we all just see your shell. I don't like it. I don't like it. It isn't right. It isn't ethical. You can't just decide to change! You can't just make up your own rules. Who do you think you are? You can't just decide things for yourself and have it be alright. There's punishment for that. I'll have to report you. It's just not right. And I hope that you learn your lesson, I really do. Because I don't want to have to go through with this again. You should have known. I mean, you were always the smart one. You always made the most reasonable decisions. But now...now you just don't know anything. And don't try and tell me that you do know, and I just wouldn't understand. Don't tell me that you are just trying to figure things out. I know there is only one way of reasoning, and you will follow it and you will believe it and you will humble yourself to it because I said so.

To be very honest with you, the days are far too short. I can't explain to you why I feel that way. It isn't that the nights are too long either. They’re short as well. The only thing that’s bothering me, and by bothering I don’t mean pestering, is that I can't find the time to do anything.

What do you mean?

What I mean is that there aren't enough hours in the day. I know that’s quite the cliché, but for lack of better phraseology that's how I shall put it. I feel like time is my adversary. It spills threw my fingers like sand, and despite the fact that I do everything physically and emotionally possible to save it, it still falls away. On the opposite end of that spectrum, when I wish for time to pass it won't. It taunts me. It’s calculatedly cruel. Don't you see?

I suppose, but what I don't understand is why you have to clash with it. Just let it be.

That's more arduous than it sounds. You can't just leave time be, nor can you just let life be. They are virtually the same entity. They are two diverse components that make up one, and if you try to direct or manipulate either of them, you'll discover that it gets you nowhere. But I imagine that my problems are more profound than a simple period of time. All that I am saying is that I need more time to contend with my turmoil.

So it isn't even time that you’re apprehensive about.

No, no, time is what concerns me, and it is the shortage of it that makes my dilemma worse. It doesn't aid me in my pursuit of figuring things out.

So, why trouble yourself with worrying about time, because in fact you're wasting it. Center your attention on what is truly what needs to be worried about. But don't worry, don't agonize. That will do you no good, and anyway it's futile. What you need to do is merely recognize that there isn't anything that you can do about how time is played out, and deal with the things that must be dealt with.

I don't know how. I really don't know the answers and I don't know were to find them. I am utterly lost. I feel as if I am standing in an enormous room, feebly gawking up at its spaciousness, and becoming conscious of the notion that all the answers I desire could take forever to attain. I contemplated just letting things naturally play themselves out, but that could be devastating. And it seems so casual. So, I concluded that my only alternative was to figure things out by myself, and decide what is true and right based on what I think. But my setback is I don't even know where to initiate my search.

Maybe what you are seeking can only be figured out through experience. You can't always figure things out yourself either. Sometimes you need a partner. Some questions are not preordained to be answered, alone or otherwise. Just let them rest, let them settle. Eventually the truth will come to you. If you stop searching you will, in time, grasp that all you needed to do was stop, and wait for the truth to come to you. There is a difference between this and letting situations simply unfold. It is less careless. I suppose that is because you have more influence.

feeling something here
rain
maybe... love
i'll miss you
tonight the land spills over
onto the breathless canvas of life
The desperation to live this picturesque life
fucking religion
used
memoir \ jerico
natural selection
yo tengo cansada
yo no puedo sentirme los labio ya yo no puedo hablar la verdad
life plan
transformation
love span
tear drops from careless eyes
that rinse in the black hours of the day
they burn they burn
they burn so much
these eyes
why
too bad for you
too bad for fucking you
open
bleeding
breeding
focus
too little
too much
almost full
almost full of this
need more
I need it all
all of it
every ounce
inside of me
and i feel it coming over me
overwhelming me
compelling me
to loose control
fade away
I just want to hear it
I just want to see it
feel it
feel it
feel it
I am far too connected
to fall away now







I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

So, you don't think that you will...

No..no, I...I didn't say that. What I said was that I didn't know what perspective to put it in.

That's rather vague.

I know, but think about it...Well, don't think about it, because I sure as hell don't know what to think about it. But maybe...maybe you can. Maybe you can help me figure it out; help me put it into perspective.

Well, what do you want to know?

I don't know...

Now who's being vague?

I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just really don't even know where to begin to think about it.

Well, then, let's start out with the basics: would you ever?

I don't know. All is dependent on my heart. Because I know that I would -

There, then you would...

Yeah...yeah, I guess I would sooner or later.

So what's stopping you?

I...well...time has to play its self out correctly. I don't want to hurry something that will mean so much to me. I just...I guess the real question is when the time would be right.

Fine...so...

I don't know. I don't know! I guess I am just really confused. I don't know what to think anymore. I used to be so sure, but now I realize that in my small and inexperienced mind I really don't know as much as I thought I did. Well, it isn't that I thought that I knew a whole lot, but I did think that I was a stable person. I assumed that I could at least make intelligent decisions, but now...now...I just don't know anymore. I reach for the answers, and they just aren't as easy to find anymore. I get really frusterated about it sometimes, but then, in the midst of all that confusion I consider the notion that maybe I don't even want the answers.

Well, there won't be any definate answers anymore. The world is comprised of many different views, perspecitves, and morals and principals.

God, don't even talk about all of the fucking morals that come into play.

I can tell that they affect you, though. They affect your decision making process.

They haunt me...

I think that it's time to make decisions for yourself...

A. I was just electricuted...
B. That's really funny.
C. Aenima is a very good album
D. God's judgement for me listening to TOOL was the elecricution
E. I'll bet that he laughed when he saw me get elecricuted...
F. That is a very funny mental picture...A guy in a toga with a long white beard chuckling at human misfortune...tell you what, that is fu-nee. Hee-hee.


That's about it...

So...my mom woke me up at 7 a.m. this morning. "You have to get back into your routine," she says. We-he-hell, might I add that I have never really had a sleeping routine. So, tired am I. My mom has put me on this protine diet, and I can't eat any carbohydrates or sugars. Before when I tried this is was by my own free will, and that failed. So, maybe now that someone else is controlling me I will in fact loose weight. I am drinking hot tea. My chest hurts. I am pretty sure that there is a piece a bone shrapnal slowlt driving its way into my heart. The mug of tea is very hot. I keep burning myself. Ahhhhh, so tired. I need a shower. Well, I can't think of anything else to write. Soooooooo............yeah. Did I mention that I am tired?

There's nothing easy about this: Living life. I find that as each day passes it simply gets harder. More things to manage, I must be a responsible adult, do chores, I have to be comitted. But I find that as each day passes, it get that much easier as well. I could never explain to you what I think about life. Because the fact remains that I myself am not sure. But I do know this: there are more important things in life than myself. Too often do I find that I am so caught up in my own ordeals that I don't find that time to see how others are doing. Selfish? I think so. When I give myself time to care and love others it isn't nearly as bad. And I know this for a fact. I love, and I am loved, and life its self is that much easier due to that.

Yes, yes, I do in fact think that life is hard. But why make it harder than it should be? I know that I don't always have the best state of mind. And maybe that's my problem. Always considering the most negative things isn't healthy. All I do is soak up all of that remorse and hatred and vile spite towards myself, and place it in my mind. There it rots. Eating away at my fragile heart. There it decays. Running me into the ground and beating me until I can't open my eyes to see the precious light of day. And what kind of life is that to live? Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone hurts now and then. And why should you let that consume you? How is that beneficial??? Love life. Love living. And understand that you only have one life to live.

The edge of the horizon line is orange again. Not a bright, vibrant orange, but a deep, muted orange. It is an orange on the verge of red and the act of sleep. I am sure of the fact that there is some specific name for this hue, but I don't think that it should have any particular title. For beauty should never be labeled. There aren't terms that can sufficiently describe this state of awe. There aren't words that can serve this serenity justice. But staring at these colors on the rim of the earth makes me head tilt to the side, and try to search for a deeper understanding...but there is none. An artist is simply someone in dire need of an escape from reality. And they push the limits of life. They push the boundaries of reality. But the fact still remains that there aren't any boundaries to fantasia. And we find ourselves here reaching for that beauty with all of our hearts for all of our lives, and ending up empty handed.