In about 15 minutes I have to leave work to go to my church. Seemingly innocent...or is it? I was sucked in. I was sucked in by the promise of pizza. Now...now, I have to watch a video about abstinance. How do things like this happen!!! Is life just one big scam? Or is that just religion? I don't know. I think that the majority of religion is a scam, but not all of it. I have seen the good side of religion. I think that's why I can't let it go. No matter how hard I try something keeps pulling at the strings of my heart. I can't entirely release religion. Oh, the weather is really bad out right now. I hope that I don't crash into some pole, and knock it over and then cause a chain reaction of polls falling- espaecially on people. But only the stupid people, not the good people. That sounds funny. I was just kidding. There is no excuse to tak ea human life- none at all. That is what makes me a level five in moral maturity. I don't approve of the death penalty, and yet, I think to myself, "what am I supposed to do about that? Nothing. So that's how it will stay." I don't follow through with my philosophies. Everytime I stop touching the computer for a number of seconds a bunch of pictures of horses pop up on the screen. It's like some odd screen saver, but the pictures go by really fast. I don't understand. Maybe the person who uses this computer thinks that the horses are erotic, and it's some sort of horse porn. horn. Ha ha... Whew, I am a funny kid. And so is Scout, that whole thing about the being funny and saying she will change made me laugh so hard. Anyhow, must go to horrible movie. Maybe I will be able to escape somehow, maybe I will crash into that poll and it will be God's blessing. {Of course, I won't be dead or anything...} Or maybe I will just go pick up Josh and tell him that it's a movie about the life and times of Art Garfunkle, and then he'll come. That way I won't have to suffer alone. And that way I will share my pain with someone else...


Thanks Josh...

Why don't you people blog anymore?


Sad.


Sad am I.

This sucks, stupid library closing at 8:15. DAMN THE LIBRARY!!! CAN'T THEY SEE THAT PEOPLE NEED TO DO RESEARCH.....yes....research...

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

This song reminds me of things. It reminds me of lots of things. Mostly relationships. It is very well written, and I thoroughly enjoy it. I wish that more people (including myself) would be able to grasp this concept becasue it is so so so so very true. The more I hear this song the more I realize its unblemished truth. I suppose that there is nothing that I alone can do. I wish for the ideal far too often, and it is hard to come to grasp the reality that there will never be an ideal or a purity to the minds of others. It seems selfish now that I think of it, now that I think that I wish people understand what I have come to understand. I wish that people could grasp what I find to be true, and it isn't that I want everyone to believe in what I believe in. I simply want others to catch a glimps at what I see and have seen in the past. So I suppose that it really isn't selfish, just an unachievable hope. No one will ever come to terms with their own problems. No one will ever reach what they want to. It seems like it would make sense to just give up. And to some extent I insist that some people should give up, because what they seek is intangible, but at the same time I think that we would all crumble and fall apart if we didn't have that constant yearning for something that we subconciously know that we cannot have. Maybe this only makes sense in my brain, or maye not. I'm not sure. I was just thinking.

Today, I tried to sit down. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to reach for a styrafoam glass. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to drink from a cup. And I couldn't. Today, I looked at my hand. And it was shaking shaking shaking shaking shaking...

It just wouldn't stop shaking. So, I flattened it out. I flattened it on the desk. And it stopped. Until I raised it again.

All I can think about these days. Are the sedatives. All I can think about these days. Are the intoxicants. All I can think about these days. Are the pacifiers. All I can think about these days. Are you. All I can think about... All I can think about...

Oh, life. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.




Fuck you.

five five five five five five five



don't ask why



don't ask me why



I just don't have to answers ready



I just can't see my own reflection



because it isn't there anymore



it's gone



just like me



just like me
just like me

It's 9 o'clock on a lovaly Monday night. I hope that everyone is doing well. My apollogies for not "blogging" sooner. My computer is on the fritz. I am at work at the moment. Listening to the song "sober", which, I will have you know, is presently my favorite song. I have a slight bit of a migraine. That's always a blast. I think that I will go to the dance, if before it I recieve some sort of sedative that will keep me from killing everyone there. I think that Lauren should go with Alex B. That would be awesome. My mind hurts for no appearent reason. I can't explain. Despite the fact that I am content, I am also very very confused. I don't know how to put in words how I feel, so I will just say that I ache. Because I do. Well, life is a crazy thing that I don't know how to deal with. I am at the crossroads. I don't know what direction I will chose to take. I say that in the sense that I don't know what road I will take, and I don't know what road I will chose. In the words of Robert Frost I desire to take the road less traveled. But on the other hand there are so many roads that I yearn to take opposed to that road less trodden. So...we will see how this unfolds. I feel like I am on the verge of something tremendous. Something that I don't even know about yet...whatever that means to you or me I am not sure. I don't like the notion of destroying my own body, but I am pretty good at it. Well, I don't know what else to say except I hope that you all will think of me when you think about ambiguous change and alteration. And I hope that you think of me when you think of someone who is lost. And I hope that you think of me when you think about all the stupid fucks that aimlessly roam this world without a purpose or a goal. Think of me - will you? Think of me.

I am presently at home...while all of you are at school...My face hurts. I have been using that perscription face cream stuff and it has transformed my face into a warzone of death and destruction. Uh, I just ate the worst cereal ever. It was organic. I sure did eat it out of a cool bowl though. You bet I did. WELP! Off to study for American Studies test of doom!
By the way, isn't it funny that when you are introduced to someone you say, "How do you do." But you never say that in any other situation? What does that mean anyway, in a literal sense it doesn't make sense. How do you do what? I don't get it!

Oh, there they go again. She's no good...


Ah, the drudgeries of life. Why cannot we all just get along ? Why do I have to let everyone down all the time. Why do they have to remind me in everything they do that I am the one that causes all the turmoil and problems. I am the "failure". Why ?

Driving
On a soft, subtley black night
Racing with the moon
Eternal beams were never so noticably
Bright

Spring of June

Trees blossom below the shining stars
Mixing me into a brew of emotional novocaine
Mind at ease amidst the serenity
Keeping me alive during wax
And wane

October

Gold never had such value
As on the leaves that coat the earth
In a glaze of beautiful treasure
What an unspoken honor
What an emotional pleasure

Although my eyes are tired from crying
I weep just the same
Despite the fact that I feel so utterly alone right now
I sit by myself
The desires of my heart are futile
The hopes of this night are out of reach
But it is to those that I cling
It is to those that I hold on with such a true and passionate grip
It seems that even a sip if nectar is worse
Than not having any at all
Because it leave an aftertaste that won't go away
Such futile and wasted compassion on a night like this
What hapless hours I must tread through this evening
Until the dawn comes with all of its luster
And cures me of this melancholy emotion

Here I am again.
Here I stand.
I live.
I breathe.
I forget to breathe.
Sometimes.
Too often.
I listen to the dreams of the past.
The futile hopes.
Voiced by those who wish they could have lived them.
Regretted by those who gave up.
They gave up.
But I listen to their meek voices.
And I see their eyebrows squint in the faint candle light.
It makes me wonder.
I cannot grasp the truth.
I cannot hold it in my hands.
Fingers trembling to grip.
Knuckes tense and soar.
I discover.
That I cannot find the answers.
And all that I can do is stand here.
Listening to the words of those who gave up.
They gave up.

To find the reasons for one's actions is a concept so fathomless that I just don't want to even try anymore.

Then what are you going to do now.

I think I'll just sit here.

Sit there and...think...

God dammit, you're right. I can't get my mind off of anything. All I do is meditate on the simplistic ways of life, the minuscule problems, the insecurities that must be coped with on a daily basis, and try and to figure out the equation the makes them so complex.

But they aren't complex.

Don't you think I already know that? I just want to find some method to this madness. I need answers.

But there aren't any. We are all just simple beings. We live our lives, basking in pleasure and resenting anything that makes complexity, but you- God, you try and find the complexity in situations and circumstances that hold no complexity.

You don't know what it's like inside this brain. You have no concept of what I deal with in this mind. I know that there aren't answers, but has there ever been a time- anytime, that you just simply sat back, and contemplated something that you didn't understand, and wished that there was and answer, but you already knew the futility of your own meditations? I go through this everyday. I see things through two separate frames of mind. I have numerous perspectives of life. I see someone loving someone else, and I wish that I knew what compelled that person to feel the way they did. I see someone standing in a corner, cowering at their own self-induced insecurities. They slit their wrists with the razor blades that they concoct with their own thoughts. They cry futile tears. I see someone that is full of love and the desire to give, and yet they are neglected by all for no reason. Why? Why are they neglected when they hold in their hand a solution to so many people's problems? I see a lost child who can't find them self amidst there own life. How does that work? They look in the mirror everyday and see their own reflection, and yet they can't see through the thoughts that clutter their beautiful mind. So they are left, alone, in within their own confusion. I see someone holding dear to all that will get them nowhere. They see only what they want too see, and don't realize that there are emotions that fill this world. They are lost in there own desires and can't see the way out of the maze of life that they worked their way into. I see people who are desperate and need the most simplistic things, and yet, those are not even met. Do you ever see this? Do you ever feel this way?

whisper

here we lie.
I in you arms,
and you,
in mine.
never letting go.
please hold on.
stay inside
this craving body.
stay inside
this starving void.
what was once
my heart
now belongs
to you.
wait here.
wait here
with me
in the blackness
of the night,
and we
shall reside
forever within
each other.
and always
immersed in
one another
by no means
forgetting
to
never
never
let go.

If the Crayon Man is dead I will be thoroughly disappointed. Not because he was entertaining, or an excellent writer, or even because I will never know who he was or how real he was. I will be disappointed because I have empathy for people. I have this heart that won't let me forget things. People dying doesn't sadden me. It's people who don't need or have a reason to die that hurts me. I don't understand how something could inadvertantly wound my heart. I don't know if I see like a cynical person, or if I appear to be more apathetic then empathetic. But nonetheless, in my heart is what I feel, and what I know to be true. For some reason my emotions made the Brad seem like such a reality, because there are people that live that life. There are those who end up that way. And it kills me on the inside. I don't know if that seems foolish, but the notion of someone living that way, and dying that way makes me so very sad. I don't understand my own logic. I just know that I have a lot of compassion in this heart for others, and I know that for some reason that story made me so sad. And I can't stop thinking about it. I debate which is more depressing: the fact that I hold onto this story as if it were reality, or the fact that I do think it is reality. I'm not sure. I have to go.