Ah, I hate this life. Sometimes I feel that it would just be best if I ended it all. That seems selfish and these seem like the senseless ramblings of a depressed 17-year-old girl. They are. I don't know what else to think though. I can't explain this excrusiating misery. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to just leave it all behind. End everything...what am I saying...I don't even know anymore. There are things in this world that I love, and make it worth saving. But outside of that there is no hope. There is no will to live or continue down this road to utter emptyiness. I sound so dramatic, so foolish. I just wish that I could breathe. I want to be happy, but I don't know how. All that I can think about is Josh, and how I love him. I can't think of tomorrow or yesterday...only him...only right now. And how I wish that he were here. Because I can't do this alone. I can't live through this all by myself...and the vulnerability shines through...I'll probably get beat up tonight. I just can't do this anymore...I can't live this way.

Full


Life that isn’t loved is lost.
Love that isn’t lived is lost as well.
So let us lie here in each other’s arms.
So peaceful.
So soothing.
What more could I ask for.
What more could I need.
In life…in love.
What kind of a world is this where all I need is you?
I don’t question.
I don’t expect to know or learn.
Because I have no desire be taught.
Not anymore.
Not ever again…

Hmmm...didn't go to church today. Haven't gone for a while. It doesn't even feel like a Sunday. My family is at the mall seeing Lord of the Rings. They shouldn't be home for another hour or two. That's exciting. Solitude=Peace. I was going to go, but 11:30 a.m. is far too early to watch a movie, and I wouldn't have followed it as well. I told my parents that I would much rather see it when it is night. The blackness of night has a truer clarity. That and the fact that I want to see it with Josh. But I figured that 11:30 a.m. was too early for him as well. I did call him around 10:45, but no one picked up, and I didn't want to disturb him anyway. I would much rather him be sleeping. I would like to watch him sleep. Because when people are asleep there is such an innocence, such a purity that permeates the atmosphere. Gently closed eyes. Breathing ever so softly. The realization that their mind, their dreams are in some other marvelous places. And they depict a sort of peace like no other. Serenity. It makes me smile. So peaceful. Hmmm...

I feel terribly bad. I hate burdening people with my own problems. It makes me feel guilty. I'm always afraid that people will feel sorry for me, and I don't want that. But I think that in my subconscious I really do want that. But I feel that my misery should be kept to me and only me, because I don't want to make anyone else miserable. At the same time of course I feel that if I keep these emotions all bottled up inside, I won't know what to do with them, and God knows what might happen when I can't handle anymore. {...sigh...} I just can't stand this life that I am forced to live. I have so many mixed feelings about my parents. I know that they love me...they love me so very much that they want to keep me from all things that could ever hurt me. ALL THINGS. My father was talking to me last night about how it's come to the point in my life where "he can't control me anymore". CONTROL??? CON-FUCKING-TROL???? Why in God's name would I want to be "controlled". I want to live my life. I want learn who I am. I want to experience. I want to live! And why not? Everyone else can...I can't tell how to feel about my parents because I know that they love me so much. But they are smothering me and I resent them for that. I don't know how to tell them that I can't take this life. And that all I want is liberation. The things that I love, the things that keep me going - they try to keep out of my reach. And I am still at that age where they can hold it high enough above my head where I can't reach it. Argh...I don't know what to do. "And I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility"...That's all I can think. Hmmm...

They say that it's the "hard times" that prove that relationships can make it through anything. I suppose that this is true. But I do not think that throwing an individual across a room, and proceeding to kick them, pick them up, and punch them is not a solution to anything. My father says that a man can be physically violent with fists because women can be physically violent with words. I debate whether or not those fall into the same category. Hmmm...The sorrys have been said. Apologies have been made...and things are better now... But I can still feel the bruises on my arms and ribs. I can still feel the hurt when I stretch muscles. I can still feel it...

Hmmm...I have found ever so recently that I really detest the feeling of being utterly exhausted, and yet not being capable of sleeping. Ah, I feel like absolute crap...Words can't describe this sickness. Hmmm...maybe I can sleep if I really try...I want to hurl.

A long time to sit
Think
Close my eyes
The images in my mind
The residue of you touch
From the night before
Still haunts me
Still calls me
And I have a craving

My eyes become lit
Blink
As my mind flies
Nothing left to find
Yet I need so much
I need more
I can see
I still see
This life is worth saving

KILL KILL KILL !!!

I have a hearty hankering to listen to Radiohead right now. Ashley Newlove just gave me a Christmas card. Why? I don't know her,nor invest my time or effort into her. Yet this time every year she gives me a card and a miniature candy cane. And done...

Wait...not so much done...

So, last night I went to bed at approximately 3:30 a.m.. I then proceeded to have the worst dream of my entire life. Let me elaborate... So, in this so-called dream I was at my cousin Carrie's house, which is in Arlington Woods in Rudolph (for those that care). Her home is in the woods, and when we were kids we would always make up stories about a crazy homeless man named Ditch-man Pete (whom I DO believe exists to this day). At any rate, Carrie and I were standing in her living room, and we heard the doorknob being turned. At this point in the dream I awoke partially, not entirely, so I was still sleeping, but awake and dreaming. I can't explain it. When, in my dream, I realized that there was a man trying to break into the house, my heart started to beat faster. Not just faster, but harder; a throbbing, beating pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe. I woke up completely and jolted out of my bed, grasping for air to fill my lungs. And that, my friends, was the most terrible, horrifying experience of my life. I can't describe to you in words how awful it was.

For a minute there I lost myself...

Why I breath?
Because of you.
The smoke that once capacitated my lungs,
It isn't crucial anymore.
Why don't you see for yourself ?
Look into my heart,
Pore over my soul.
Because it's here.
Waiting for your influence.
Eradicate this pain,
Divest me of this sorrow.
It's only you...
It's only you...

I decided to stay down here, in the library. Being away from Mrs. Dunn is bliss. So I will now refer to the library as Blisstopia. I spent about half of the period laughing at Puma Man on the MST3K website. Rapture. My head feels like it weighs 49.7 lbs., and my neck isn't nearly strong enough to support it. So, my head is cocked to the side, rather limply. Ah, well, the risk of severe spinal damage in my future I am willing to take. I have to go back to class to get my bowling-ball bag. Curses, foiled yet again. I am in dier (sp) need of sleep. Christmas break, Megan, Christmas break, just keep telling yourself that...Christmas break. I wonder where Emily is today. I don't remember seeing her in A.S. I really truly badly want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to write songs and be a musician. That would be overwhelmingly pleasurable and cathartic. Hmmm...seeing as my family has been so hell-bent on me figuring out what exactly I am to do with my life, maybe I should consider that. But they wouldn't approve. They would call it unpractical. Well, oh, well.

Damn-fucking-computer-shitface-poop-shingles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm...The thought of blood being taken out of my arm is very unnerving. In fact, I can't stand the notion of it. I get blood taken in about a half hour - a fate worse than death. But even though I am so utterly scared, I can't help but feel like an absolute moron. I figured that I was (A) doing a good thing by donating my drug-free, healthy blood to those in need, and (B) I mean come on! I get a free cookie and will more than likely leave school. So, at the time it didn't seem like that bad of an idea...how wrong I was. I don't know what I was thinking. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't written my own name on the page slash signed my own soul over...Wow, am I a moron. My stomach is turning...I had better go...

Your far beyond the visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserable to rescue
Sleeping Beauty...
Poisoned and Hopeless

What now...
What now...
When here again I find myself - lost.
I can't touch to ground.
I can't feel the walls.
I can only see the darkness.
Feel the darkness
The dark lights.
The dark eyes.
This dark karma.
Alone in this fathomless night.
What to do now...
What to feel now...
What to live for now...
When my body hurts so badly.
While this numb mind serves no purpose.
Fingers bleeding.
And my throat hurts from screaming.
So lost...so lost
This poor rejected infant.
This poor abandoned child.
Left for the wolves.
Left to be absorbed by the night.
This pathetic soul.
This worthless being.
A spirit of nothing.
A vessel of emptiness.
And it's better this way.
It's best to be left to drown in my own sorrows and fears.
To open up my old wounds.
And embrace the night that I once lived in.
Oh, well...

Joel Bair won't leave me alone about going to get high with him this week...argh. It's quite obnoxious. What a terrible situation. I don't like it. What's wrong with me? I sure as hell don't know. Ah, life, what next? What else do you have to throw my way, because I am glad to recieve it as always. Hmmm...like always...

Anyhow, I want to be listening to my cd player so very badly. You don't understand. I require something to block out the voices of numerous children yammering about how they hate American Studies...Oh, the bell...my savior...

Vivid Rain


I cannot remember the last time
Raindrops slid down my neck
Filling me with such an unexplainable relief.
Or the last time I closed my eyes,
And felt each individual raindrop fall
Onto my face,
Soothing my skin,
Tasting so sweet.
Like nectar on my scared lips.
As if I was cleansed of all imperfections,
Washed clean,
Made Pure.
When was the last time I was filled with such a peace?
This peace that is more than indescribable.
And during this enchanting experience I am overcome
With a feeling of love.
With no words needed to be spoken,
And my soul filled with a beautiful hope
I feel completed.
In my mind’s eye,
You are with me…
You are here…
In the rain,
And feeling this with me.

I don't know if I like this. I feel too transparent. I am used to keeping thoughts and emotions to myself, but now...when I write I can't stop, and the thoughts just pour from my mind. I feel like I just vomit all over this page, and I feel exposed. That is how I feel - exposed. And there is everything wrong with that.

I don't know where to begin. It seems sufficient to start out by saying that I don't know where to begin. That appears, in my mind, to be the correct way to begin so that is how I shall. At any rate, now that I have collected all of my muffled thoughts, I shall begin.

There has never been a time in this short and meaningless life that I have found myself so enthralled by something. That might sound crazy. I am probably giving off a vibe that is confusing and yet simultaneously thought provoking. Or maybe you think that I am someone with some sort of obsessive disorder. For all you know I could indeed be crazy. Entertain that thought for a while. What I am getting at is that you don’t know me. You don't know who I am. I could be a man. I could be a woman. I could be a small, adolescent child who is smarter than you. And you probably wouldn't want to believe that. Where would your dignity be then? Do you even want to think about that? What you would do with yourself, lacking your precious dignity. Lacking you valuable, costly, irreplaceable pride! You're pathetic! But you are pulling me away from my intended course of writing. So, I will continue…

You don't know who I am. I am what you wish you were. I am what you want to be. What do you think of that? The only things that you can see are my words, my delicate phrases on this page. I am invisible to you. I am the epitome of what you cannot grasp, because I am not tangible. I can feel your breath on this page. I am the page. I am the ink that is blotched in the letters. I AM REAL! … And I can see you.

I can see your squinting eyes and tight lips. I can feel your fingers touch. Can't you feel me? Staring back at you. Glaring into your soul, because I have been there. I have seen it. I know your deepest thoughts, the ones that you tell no one, the ones that you keep to yourself. And yet you share them with the night. I have seen the desires of your heart that you leave in your mind's eye, while they frustrate your senses, and try to escape, only making there way to your fingertips. I have seen those as well. I have witnessed your biggest fears. I have lured them into your direct vision, and left them there to haunt you. Do they eat away at your brain? Your thoughts absorb you. They call you. They seduce you. And now, now that your heart has grown black you don't know where to turn to in the night. There is no beacon for which to give you hope. There is no hope for you, my friend…

I know you…

I know all about what you are, and where you have been. And you can't hide anymore. You can't keep yourself from me. And I am here. Waiting. And you cannot escape now, or ever again. I have waited so long, and been so patient. So much indeed have I done in order to become a part of you. Without you knowing, I have raped your heart and with it the desire deep within. I have taken all that you have, and have stolen your soul. All for the good of you. Because I know you, and I know where you have been.

You can't run from me…I am you.

I have chosen not to even try to comprehend why I am so happy. I know the exact reasons for my overwhelming sense of joy, but there are some aspects of my life that, when I consider them, should probably be making me miserable...but they aren't. I have kind of blocked them out of my mind, they are in my peripheral vision. I realize that they are there, and remotely significant, but I choose to ignore them. Which is just fine with me. For instance, I have about seven essays that I have yet to write for American Studies, I am, or at least feel unattractive, my face...(don't even get me started), my grades, the fact that the shoes that I wore today brought about two blisters on both my pinky toes, my future, etc.. But I just don't care. Maybe I should. Maybe I should care about all these things. But I can't focus on any of them. And that is just fine with me. When I see all that I have, and know that it is all that I ever wanted, I simply lie back and absorb it all - knowing that I couldn't want more...Also for instance, I have and love Josh, I love Lauren, I have all my friends, a driver's license, my health (that last one was kind of just a joke...kinda...but I guess that I am happy that I have my health. I mean I could be dying? Right, but I'm not)...It's funny to me how two people's minds/hearts can be in the same place, and they don't even realize it. Maybe because they don't want to, even though they do. Maybe because of their own insecurities. But that's something that will need to work itself out. You can't go on forever with an overwhelming thought in your mind or a feeling in your heart. Sooner or later it finds a way of working itself out into the open. A way of revealing itself, I guess. That will happen all in good time.

Oh, life...
What next...
I feel like the most corrupt person on the face of the earth. I feel like a pathetic, pitiful, mound of nothingness. Last night, Lauren and Molly came over to help me decorate my Christmas tree. I pushed play on my CD player to put on a CD and Tool came on. One of Molly's biggest convictions is music. She can't take some genres of music because they really affect her on an emotional level. So, that was bad, because she thinks that I am corrupted. So, I skipped the CD and Radiohead came on. And she said something along the lines of, "Pardon me while I go slit my wrists." So that was bad of me and corrupt. And then she found a cigarette butt...Even better. Now I am the epitome of corruption. I know that they weren't meaning to get down on me about my lifestyle, but I feel like I have let them down. I know that I have issues to work through in my life, and I have an idea that were I am emotionally isn't the best place to be. But when they started to question whether or not it might be was Josh's influence, I got really mad. Because I love Josh. They weren't saying that he was a bad person, but still...Now I just feel like an absolute asshole. I feel like I am a terrible person, and I don't know where I am going anymore. I am lost...I am tired of being a lost little girl. I am tired of being tired. I just want to live my life, and not be convicted. I hate people judging me. I get enough off it from my parents. I get told enough that I am worthless, even if they don't mean it...It still hurts...It still cuts me to the core. I am tired...and all I want is someone to hold me...and tell me that it will all be ok...

I have decide to stop questioning things. Because I find myslef doing that all to often. I ananlize situcations and circumstances all the time. And it's not healthy. Why would I want to question what I love and what is good. How could that ever be beneficial? I just need to sit back and let life unfold itself. Because I won't always find the answers. I desire solid answers. But they won't always be there.

Life isn't meant to be figured out...
I just want to live
I just want to laugh
I just want to know that I'm not alone













In a haze
A stormy haze
I'll be round
I'll be loving you always
Always...

Here I am
And I'll take my time
Here I am
And I'll wait in live always
Always...

For you,

I'd bleed myself dry...

Did I drive you away?
I know what you’ll say,
You say, “Oh, sing one we know,”
But I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you,
That’s what I’ll do.

I say ah....
I say ah....

My heart is yours
It’s you that I hold on to
That’s what I do
And I know I was wrong
But I won’t let you down
Oh, ya, I will
Ya, I will
It's so easy...

I say ah....
I cry ah....

Yeah I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
And I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks


(Song by Coldplay)

I don't understand. I don't understand world. And the ways of life. I don't understand life. I don't understand what it is all about. I know why I am here, but that doesn't mean that I want to be. I think that things will eventually figure themselves out. All in good time. But it doesn't feel like "good time" because life isn't working on my agenda. Sleep once again becomes to solution to by innermost turmoil. It will all work out...

Fatigue
This inner pain
That won't ever go away
No matter how much I dream
No matter how much I pray
It will always remain
In these eyes and these lips
This undescribable pain



I am very sad. My cousins and my aunt are moving away. My mom yells at me because I eat too much and sleep too less. My dad thinks I am mean. Lauren resents me, but won't confess it. I feel like I am a terrible girlfriend. Why is everything going wrong. In a time where I feel like I should be so very happy. I am not. I don't know what to do. I think that I will sleep.

Because sleep has become a solution for all of my problems. It is a medication, a drug. It has an unexplainable cure. When I don't know what to do, I sleep. It is an escape. A place of no worry or pain.

I can't find any escapes lately. I think that I just need a break. I wish that I could catch pneumonia somehow. Last time I had pneumonia I was out of school for two weeks. That would be nice. Winter break will be much desired and much deserved. I think that - Oh, God, it's raining. I think that I will go and stand in the rain for a while. Here's my release.

i am full
i am the essence of strength
and i am the core of all protection

my frame is thick
iron and novocaine are my armor
and i feel no pain

untouchable am i
this being covered in a coat of darkness
calloused, hard, unreachable

i see through the lies
i see through the patronizing
i can see all these things
...but in your arms I can't think of anything, save you.
and my exterior crumbles and fades away
and once again i am vulnerable
in your arms

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I am subject to change.

I think that I have discovered why I am so captivated by these three songs:

Crash/Dave Matthews
Parabol/Tool
The Hollow/A Perfect Circle

I realize that these three songs are dedicated to the subject of sex. Well, I can't help but feel dirty knowing that I love these songs as much as I do. But I figured out why I love them so much. It's because they are so passionate. That sounds bad to, but it's true. It is such a passionate topic, and why would one expect anything less. I don't mean to be gross, but I really think that the passion and intimacy that is involved in those kinds of relations permeates into these songs. That's how it should be, though. Think about it. They are all very gifted song writers for one, and I am amazed that they can capture such passion into a song. That is truly a gift. Truly. So, yes, once again, I don't mean to be gross, but what can I say, I am a very passionate person. And I am a romantic. I just think that is amazing that they can capture passion into words and a rhythm and the music in general. Because every time I hear the music, and absorb it, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by this immense sense of emotion. And I just break out of my shell. It is so cathartic to just sing as loud as you can, and not care at all. Just let go. Ah, I just want to let go of everything.

"Temporarily Pacifying"--that is my favorite phrase. Because just about everything is that, only temporarily pacifying, Only soothing for a short while, but then what?

I love the way the shadows fall
On an evening where the sun
Is bright orange and red then disapears
Under the stars we'll run

To find ourselves an inner beauty
A light inside this black
And innocence will be shattered
While the sin we both shall lack

A single soul held together
In two bodies touching tight
I wish this moment would last forever
And forever would be this night.

Please hold me in your arms
And kiss this face that burns from tears
Because the pain inside this heart of mine
Has been consumed by all my fears

yadda yadda...

I can't write poetry anymore. All of my poems are a bunch of cliche phrases. It saddens me. Anyway, school is over. Time to jet...

I have been making an effort to keep every thought captive. I am striving to be more open-minded and understanding to other peoples beliefs, and at the same time more understanding of my own beliefs. It isn't easy. I am stuck between two places. And that seems to be the same for everything. I can't remove myself from draining situations, and it's mostly because of my own decision. That's what kills me. I know what I want, and I know what I need, and I realize what I have, but question whether I want it. When in fact there really isn't anything that I can do to rid myself of it in a pleasant way. Therefore, in questioning it I hurt myself even more. Interensting...
I have a throbbing headache, but I keep listening to Radiohead at full blast. The music sooths something inside me, and the pain of a headache is something that I would choose over this dull pain in my heart.

What do I have
Or lack
Or am I truly full
I know I'm not
But what's the use
I can't forget
When I close my eyes
To go to sleep
And there you are
In mind's eye
I can't rid myself of you
Parasite
But it's not your fault
That you are
Eating away at my heart
Emotions
And thoughts
I can help it
I can
I can
But I don't want to
And that's my own fault
That's my own damn fault

burdens

my bones are tired
i hear their creeks and moans.
my heart is so heavy.
that’s so much weight to carry.
these poor, old, brittle bones.

What if we all just suppose that we are happy, when truly in our souls we aren't? We lack. What if the happiness that we "have" is just an illusion, only a state of mind, and we don't truly posses it. But there is a purer joy and true happiness, if only we could grasp it. If only we could taste it. We would never let go, because there wouldn't be anywhere else to turn. Once that truth is found, why would you want to venture anywhere else? How would that be beneficial at all? It just simply wouldn't. Because what else could fill you? People are always striving, always yearning for that joy that fulfillment that ultimate feeling of gratification, but they can't ever find it. They can't ever see it until they don't focas on it. And when they don't focas on it, all will fade away, and the intense, naked truth will be exposed. They'll find what they are looking for, and they will finally see. Pure zen. An ultimate state of nirvana. It makes sense. Or at least to me. I think that the hardest thing to do...is just let go...

Well, another day another dollar.
Here I sit. In this room they call the "Library" or for those of you who might be offended by that, we can call it the "Media Center". But I have respectively decided to refer to as the "Book Hold".

I think that I can almost see. Or maybe I can. But I realize that there is a filter over my vision. Or even simply a glaze over my thoughts. Hence, I can't figure anything out. Everything is smudged and smeered, and I can't make out what I am thinking due to the lack of focas on a situation or circumstance. Hmmm... Maybe I am just seeing what I choose to see. People do that often. It isn't healthy. But consider someone who is tired of feeling pain, and they know the truth, and they also know that the truth hurts more than any other pain. This person sees what they want only because they know that accepting the truth is like accepting the pain, and who wants to accept pain? They only find a way out by ignoring the truth, even though the truth is what shall eventually set them free from the bondage of the numb pain that they feel on a day to day basis. I know that there isn't a reason to ignore reality, and shun the truth, but you have to understand that I can't accept the truth because I can't hurt anyone. I can't inflict pain onto another human being another soul another spirit. I can't crush someone's spirit. What sort of a person would that make me? Altruism is the act of being selfish on someone else's behalf. I have found that this is the only option that I have. The only option that will keep other's happy. And though I will be the one suffering, I still see that as a better sacrifice. It's poem time...



A Glass of Pain

A glass pain
It is all that separates you from the rest of the world
Look at the rain
It falls on the sheet of transparent imprisonment
And you debate
Whether or not it is your friend or foe
Deciding
If it holds you or if it gives you hope
Taunting or reminding
It holds you
It treats you like a prisoner
On the verge of destruction
It shows you
The world you left behind
It calls you
Out into the open, into the light of day
And with every breath on the glass
You feel like the air is sucked out of the room
And the pain catches it for you
And gives it back.



It isn't a very good poem, but it isn't all that bad, I suppose.

Well, hot-damn!
It's me birfday.

Thanksgiving was alright. My Aunt Anna has been confirmed crazy, by myself of course. I have been really spontaneous lately. Really crazy. On Saturday night, I was walking into town...ya that's right...and I was chased by these drunkard college guys, and I was so scared! They stopped in the middle of the road, where I was, and so I decided that the nearest house was now "my house". So, I walked up to it, and was about to ring the door bell because they opened the door, and were hooting and hollering some drunken gibberish. But as I was going to do it, they stumbled back into their Drunk-mobile and left. So, I just went back home. I have never been so frightened in my life...well, I probably have, but no time recently.

I used to be the best kid. I was such a smart, funny, diligent, studious, respectful, cute, well-behaved child. What happened. I find myself drinking much more, and whenever I feel stressed out, or depressed good ol Mr. Marlboro seems to be there to comfort me. I sneak out of my house all the time, not to go anywhere imperticular. I am loosing my grasp on reality. I can't feel my mind. I want to either die or leave this town. But I am too much of a puss to complete either. That's rich. I feel distant. I was looking in the mirror the other day, and my eyes aren't how they used to be. That saddens me. I used to have such pretty eyes. I wish that I could find some sort of medication in this madness. Why have things become so obscure to me lately. Can anyone explain? Because I know that I can't. Radiohead has been helping.

"...Like a cat, tied to a stick..."

I have this dream. It's crazy. But I can't tell any of you what it is. Because that would ruin it...

My biggest fear is drowning.
I am drowning.
Drowning a a stale pool of my own self-inflicted misery...
I cause myself and others so much grief.
And the only aspect of my world that I depended on, my emotions, have left me dangling,
reaching for help, stretching to grasp a hand that isn't there, weeping to someone, anyone.
And when I said anyone I thought I knew what I meant,
but it turns out that it wasn't just anyone.
Where did my heart go?
Where did my emotions lead me to?
I have never felt so betrayed and yet I, too am the betrayer.
Where did I go?
I think that life's borders end at love.
Love can eliminate life.
Or the lack there of.
I can't find peace anymore.
Everything is only temporarily pacifying.
As my hopes and dreams crumble,
So do I
I am so tired...
And all I want to do right now is
Sleep...

I find that no matter how hard I look for myself
I always end up in the same place
More tangled up in me
More engulfed by my own insecruities
More swallowed by my own fears
And more drownded in my own sorrow
When all I thought that I wanted
Was to be touched
I just wanted for someone to pull the reigns of my heart
And hold me in their arms
But if I have found anything
It is this...
That I need to be held
And I need to be touched
But I cannot be reached through human feeling
Nerves
Skin on Skin
Hands
I need words
I need you to whisper in my ear
I need you to write
I need you to write down on a page
Exactly what you think
Exactly what you feel
All of those emotions
All that burns inside you
...And breath...
Breath them into me like the wind
Like the breeze
Like air to my lungs
It helps me live
It is my life
That alone is what I live for
And that alone is what I die for
Just you and your words
Just you and your flowered phrases
In my mind
In my heart you grow
And I see you!
And I know you!
And I feel you!
But you aren't there...
Your face just grows here
While I grow here as well
I am the product of your love
I am the essense of your words
And you are the essense of my thoughts
And desires
And love...

Chris,
I can see it.
I can see the waves.
I find myself now, sitting, staring, for the past five minutes or so at this...
I look beyond the blinds and I look beyond the trees, and I can see it.
It is so surreal. So unnatural. Like it's not even there. Like I am the only one in this room that can see it.
It is funny to me how people can see things, that others cannot.
Now it won't go away, and it is captivating. Looking beyond aspects of life, circumstances, realities, is so intriguing.
I love it.
And it won't go away...

Ich schließe meine Augen. Zu entgehen. Aber wenn meine Augen geschlossen werden, sehe ich ihr Gesicht. Im Auge meines Gemüts. Sie verlassen nie mich. Abwesenheit macht das Herz zärtlicher wächst. Es ist wahr...

Der ikke er noen smerte som vÆrer stor i liv. Men I kan kan drømme. Og I kankan føle. Og tror megmin kjærlighetI gråter. Fordi det skader derfor mye innsiden...to vet at I ikke kan kan holde De i mine armer. Det er all I behov. Det er all I ønske. Deres kropp ved siden av min. Deres berøring. Deres ord. Hvisk dem inn i mitt øre. Fordi De smelter meg. De smelter meg.

I don't understand why I realize that I have so very much work to do, and yet I still find myself here...bloggin' it up. So, l find that I am not very good at reading poetry to a large crowd of people. I actually have realized that when I have to read anything in front of a mass of people, I choke up for the most part and shake uncontrollably. Which is disheartening. The only aspect of my writing that allows me to actually speak, is the passion behind the poem. I thoroughly enjoyed my poems though, and I hope that everyone else did as well. It is very hard to read something that is so dear to my heart in from of your friends. I felt exposed...vulnerable. That poem was my heart...on a sheet of paper. Nothing that should be taken so lightly.

On a lighter topic-

Way to not come to the library, Chris. I stood outside the door for literally about 5 minutes, just staring at you...waiting for you to look over so that I could tell you to come down to the library. But you just sat there staring, looking tired, and fatigued. Not to mention bored. Actually, to be honest, you looked very deep in thought. Like you were pondering something serious. Hence, why I didn't say your name for a while. Lindsay Boltz now officially thinks that I am crazy. She kept staring at me...and then staring at you...and back to me. It was humorous.

Side note...

This girl that I don't really know just walked past me and said, "Your hair is so pretty." Then she grabbed a lock of it, and left me rather frightened. You would think that I might be used to it by now...but no... The other day I was in the bathroom, and I was looking in the mirror, and this girl just came over, touched my hair, and said, "So, ya, have you ever cut your hair? Why is it so long? Was it ever short?" Talk about unnerving. Nobody's safe these days. Nobody I tells ya!
Anyhow, Lauren's birthday is this weekend, and whosoever of you reads this must know that we have to do something for her. Misty wanted to take her out to dinner on Saturday, I believe. So, any-a yous guys who wants to come...do. Actually, call me, and we will figure something out.

Another side note-

I hate scrunchies. They irritate me like mad...

Anyhow, yes, this Saturday - be there. I think that Misty wanted to take her to Chi-Chi's. It will be Chi-chi-a-rific!!! And if anyone was to get her a gift...which if you did she would be overjoyed and not to mention love you forever - because she loves - I mean loves gifts. And also she would want CDs, if anyone was to get her anything...just so that you are all informed...
Anyhow, I love you all...especially you Paige...
I mean - you all have a great day. I appreciate all and everyone of you.

Love forever and always.

Megan.


Moral of the day:

Be a team player.

I dream of the day that you know more to me than just my name.
A hope builds up in my heart that you will see me,
Notice me,
And will some day know me.
And I can know you.
And I can feel you.
Touch you inside and out.
We can be one,
You and I,
In this painful world,
We can be one person.
Because it has occurred to me that we already are.
We just need to find each other.
Or, at least, rediscover one another.
Then there will be a truth.
There will be a reality.
That neither can handle.
But both so passionately desire.
Our hearts bound together.
And I can hold you
Once and for all.

It is so bleak out.

The sky is dark, and the trees that lonesomely loam outside the window are calling me...
The wind blows, and a ghostly hum breaths through the cracks in the window pane. It is dreary. My life is drained when I am alone. I finally find the time to dwell on the thousands of thoughts, the thousands of questions, the thousands of pains that engulf my mind. I am truly not alone. These thoughts haunt me. They absorb me. They work their way under my skin, and crawl around, making me as uncomfortable as they possibly can. Intentionally inconsiderate. Maybe the lonesome trees that sway and I will find a solace together. We can find a peace in the emptiness. Because of our mutual understanding.
So I sit in the rain. Incoherent. Emotionally numb. Because my mind will not allow me to rest.

I sit.

In the rain.


Numb...

Where did you go, my friend?
Where did you leave your heart?
Because these days your eyes look tired,
And your smiles have faded.
I remember your eyes...
I remember...
You loved life,
And found the time to live it.
All those days where you laughed.
Play in the rain with me...
Sleep in the sand...
Love what you have,
And know that it will get better.
You are too precious of a person
Too precious of a spirit
To leave
Or fade.
So be here-
With me,
And live...

A little bit of rain won't hurt
A little bit of sun
To shine on me
It lets me see
That together we are one

Some sleep to cure insomnia
Some tears to rinse my eyes
Your hand to hold
To warm my cold
And I see the silver skies

A few leaves float to the ground
A few drops of rain that fall
Onto my face
Let's leave this place
And I am comforted after all.

smells like burning skin
hold the match as long as you can
till it hurts
let it burn
till it scars
let it burn
till you bleed
let it burn

searing flesh
this once so hollowed body
this once so hollowed mind
a coincidence of fate
ironically placed
in
my
mind
my
thoughts
my
dreams
my world
of hope that comes when it pleases
and leaves every chance it gets
ungrateful visitor
fuck you

scathing skin
blistering bleeding, red
...It burns...
to black
let it bleed
destroying nerves
feeling no pain
melting skin
and I feel no pain
scarred
numb
tired and bleeding
bleeding
___________

forever scarred
and...
I feel nothing...

I have ahd 5 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. It's 2:45 on Sunday morning. If you get my drift. I must sleep. I feel all alone.

"I had a chance once, to hold on to something precious, something that was beautiful, something that I loved. But I wanted it to be free. I did not want to crush it under the weight of my love. So I left it sit there in my hand not knowing that the only thing I had to do to keep it was clench my fingers together. I could have saved it, but I did not know how. I thought that if I just loved it, if I just focased on it day and night, if I just told myself how I adored it and cared for it in my heart, than it would love me, too. But I was wrong. And this love of mine that I held so dear flew away from me. Now, not even the tears that I cry can bring it back. This love in my heart has no where to go. It just flutters around in my heart, trying to leave, but I know that it cannot."

I couldn't be more of a jackass. Life for me right now is such a chore and drudgery. I should have been happy. I should have been so fucking happy. But now, all I can think is that I am exactly what I never wanted to be and I have exactly what I never wanted to have. Life is such a bitch. I reach so far for the things that I want, and when I aquire them I turn my head to the left and find what I really needed all along. I am so foolish. I should be so happy. When I consider that I could have had it all, that it was right in front of me, and all that I needed to do was take it, all I needed to do was recognize it, I just want to cry. I could be so happy. Why is it that the mystery of things is so intriging? But only every once and a while do we see that the mystery never leaves. And that is such a beautiful thing. One of the most beautiful things. And I passed it up. I passed up one of the best things in the world. And it kills me. It strangles me. All I want is you. All I want is your touch. I want to know that I am that face that you see every night before you close your eyes to sleep. I want to know that you care...just as much as I do. But I can't have any of that. I can't even get a taste of that. Because we are stuck in two different worlds. And I don't know how you look at yours. Mine used to be a haven...but I am pining away. Drowning in my own self-inflicted misery. Choking in this thick smoke of pain that I cause myself, while others will soon feel the heat of second-hand. And it's all my fault. I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. There is too much pain, and all that I wanted was someone to hold. All that I wanted was the feeling of human touch. But that just isn't enough. I need you to hold...

My head hurts from being so lost
And my mind aches from being so very confused
I don't know what to do
And the only thing that I once trusted
My own heart
Has betrayed me

The sense of smell is something that I have truly come to appreciate. Last night I stuck my head out the window to see if the moon was visible. It had rained earlier in the evening, and I wanted to know if the thick film of clouds that had been there before still remained. It was still there. But the amazing thing was the aroma rain that had already passed still settled softly in the air. I leaned out my window and absorbed the scent of the rain. It was the smell of fresh rain newly mixed into the parched earth, the smell of a cleansing process, the smell of the refreshed earth. It was awe inspiring. And I just completely took advantage of that one moment in time. It was one of those moments where your spirit is freed, and you remember just how good life is...

It really kills me that people pry into my life. I don't mean in the sense that they know things about me. What I am saying is that I cannot stand people judging me or telling me what I am supposed to be doing. It kills me! I am not claiming to know everything, nor am I saying that I have everything together and figured out, but I do know this, that I know what I love, and I know what I feel, I know I will learn from mistakes, I know that I have come a long way and still have quite a ways to go. But I also know that I am definite of what I love, and that is what truly matters...

Feelings intrigue me.
I find myself always feeling.
My life is based so heavily on emotions.
But I can never feel true.
I guess that emotions can be so strong at times,
all of them so strong that they weigh me down
as I try to absorb them.
I don't know what to do with them.
So, I pile them up higher and higher until I crumble.
But right now I am so numb...
I don't know what to feel or how to go about feeling it.
I have never been so happy,
but at the same time I know
that I have never been at such a low point in life.
Both feelings cancel each other out...and I am numb.
My heart is so confused.
Of course,
I will obviously lean towards the things
that make me the most happy and fulfilled.
But when I am reminded of the bad
my heart sinks...lower and lower

I love my friends.
They make me so happy.
I love my town, although it's small, I love it.
I feel safe, and safety is one of the most comforting feelings.
I want to move to Buxton.
That town brings out the best in me.
The natural, true me is exposed, and I feel so at ease.
Mellow...
And feeling at ease is one of the best feelings in the entire world.
I want to fly...
And never come down...
Until next time...

"You mustn't be afraid of the dark. Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning. The tragedy of man is that he doesn't know how to distinguish between day and night. He says things at night that should only be said by day."

~ Elie Weisel

ok, so this is my first entry...
The beginning of a new, beautiful relationship with my computer: the electric friend that I never had, nor wanted, but somehow we manage spend hours and hours together...Anyhow, writing is fun. I think that I will enjoy this immensely. And I hope that everyone who reads this will enjoy it as well. So today, I was opening my door to yell at my brothers, and I had the word "HEY!" out, but as I went to swing my door open I leaned forward, and slammed the door into my face. It was sadly entertaining. Not so much for me, but more for my mom and brothers. My brother Mac put syrup all over my face yesterday in an attempt to "make me beautiful". And when he did I screamed at the top of my lungs, and ran into the W.C. to wash it off. When I looked in the mirror I saw that I was so upset that my face was beet red. Not so much red, or fire-engine red, or candy apple red. Something more in the lines of beet red. Kari is writing me a "Megan's Guide to Blog Internet Somethin er Nother". I am excited. Whew. I have never been so happy in my life. It is so nice to feel like everything in the world is just fine and as it should be, even though I realize in my subconscious that it isn't. I think that psychology, the whole idea of the id, and superego, and subconscious, and conscious, and all things that revolve around that are extremely interesting. Then the whole consept of convergent thinking, and divergent thinking interests me, too. Just knowing how the mind works, with the consideration of emotions. Dreams are very intreguing as well. I might consider going into that as some sort of profession. I told that to Lauren, and she told me that I would mess everyone one up. Because I read into situations too much. I don't know. Here's a really random poem that I wrote the other day. It's really just a stream of conscious. Here's the poem...

Golden whistle
Noticably louder than before
The escaped touch of random gentleness
Engulfing fingers persuing lonely skin
Absent frenzy forgeting forever to leave
Behind this never-ending busy state of mind
Left behind-this mind
A conscience forever left behind
Welcome a mellow tongue and loose lips
Wave hello to a new sunrise
When I lie in your arms at dawn
Cheating rules and judgemental values
Because it hurts too much to be alone
And the painted moon smiles
And glows
And lets us sleep.

End.

testing...1...2...3...work?