Autumn




"Well," the girl said as she looked out over the landscape, I think it's high time that we get ourselves out of this town.? They stood on the front porch overlooking the empty, dismal road. She took a long drag of her cigarette then threw it to the ground. “I have to quit,?she laughed. As the cold breeze picked up, her golden, blonde hair got tangled up in the wind. “And that’s another thing,?she said, “This is the windiest spot in the United States!? The girl whom she was talking to lifted her head and exposed a luminous smile. They laughed, picked up their suitcases, and walked down the steps.

There was a soothing fragrance in the air, one of dead leaves and the fresh autumn air. The girl shut her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the cold breeze fill her lungs. The trees were half bare while the ground was covered in a thin blanket of gold and crimson. An awkward feeling grew in the girl’s eyes as she walked down the cement steps to her car. That feeling soon materialized into silvery tears running down her soft cheeks. “I don’t understand.? She stopped and put her bags down to reach into her pocket. She placed another cigarette in her mouth. “I love autumn, you know. It’s my favorite season. Everything is so beautiful…it’s such a transformation. Nature exfoliates into a thousands colors, and it captivates me like nothing else in the world. I can’t explain it.? Her eyes fell to the ground.

“You know that it’s no good here. You know what lives here,?the other girl said, “No matter how beautiful it is, you know it’s no good.?She placed a hand on her friend’s back. “No more tears.?

“Can we just…sit here…on your porch, for just a little while?? She wiped her face.

“I don’t see any harm in that.?

They sat for a long time, absorbing the atmosphere, watching the life that summer had left behind fade away and fall to the ground. Neither one spoke. There was nothing to say. They just listened to the wind and remembered how it used to be.

“Do you remember when we used to go to Taco Bell every night, and just hang out in there until it either closed or they made us leave??

“Wow, we had no lives…and still don’t.? They laughed and shook their heads.

“Or that one summer that we sat out here every night? How you played your harmonica, and I laughed about how bad it sounded? We were such children then. So innocent.? Another curtain of silence fell over them as the laughter died down.

“Well…do you think that we should go now?? She nodded in agreement, and the two stood up.

“Yeah, I think that it’s time to leave this all behind.?She stared at the desolate street once more her eyes fixed on the unrestrained leaves that blew down the street. They had nowhere to go. They just let the wind carry them.

“Are you ready to go??Her friend interrupted her thoughts.

“Yes,?she said.

I'm judging by the look on your face that you aren't happy. Well, I suppose that I wouldn't expect anything less. You haven't been the same person these past few weeks. You haven't been yourself. It's as if someone else is inside you and we all just see your shell. I don't like it. I don't like it. It isn't right. It isn't ethical. You can't just decide to change! You can't just make up your own rules. Who do you think you are? You can't just decide things for yourself and have it be alright. There's punishment for that. I'll have to report you. It's just not right. And I hope that you learn your lesson, I really do. Because I don't want to have to go through with this again. You should have known. I mean, you were always the smart one. You always made the most reasonable decisions. But now...now you just don't know anything. And don't try and tell me that you do know, and I just wouldn't understand. Don't tell me that you are just trying to figure things out. I know there is only one way of reasoning, and you will follow it and you will believe it and you will humble yourself to it because I said so.

To be very honest with you, the days are far too short. I can't explain to you why I feel that way. It isn't that the nights are too long either. They’re short as well. The only thing that’s bothering me, and by bothering I don’t mean pestering, is that I can't find the time to do anything.

What do you mean?

What I mean is that there aren't enough hours in the day. I know that’s quite the cliché, but for lack of better phraseology that's how I shall put it. I feel like time is my adversary. It spills threw my fingers like sand, and despite the fact that I do everything physically and emotionally possible to save it, it still falls away. On the opposite end of that spectrum, when I wish for time to pass it won't. It taunts me. It’s calculatedly cruel. Don't you see?

I suppose, but what I don't understand is why you have to clash with it. Just let it be.

That's more arduous than it sounds. You can't just leave time be, nor can you just let life be. They are virtually the same entity. They are two diverse components that make up one, and if you try to direct or manipulate either of them, you'll discover that it gets you nowhere. But I imagine that my problems are more profound than a simple period of time. All that I am saying is that I need more time to contend with my turmoil.

So it isn't even time that you’re apprehensive about.

No, no, time is what concerns me, and it is the shortage of it that makes my dilemma worse. It doesn't aid me in my pursuit of figuring things out.

So, why trouble yourself with worrying about time, because in fact you're wasting it. Center your attention on what is truly what needs to be worried about. But don't worry, don't agonize. That will do you no good, and anyway it's futile. What you need to do is merely recognize that there isn't anything that you can do about how time is played out, and deal with the things that must be dealt with.

I don't know how. I really don't know the answers and I don't know were to find them. I am utterly lost. I feel as if I am standing in an enormous room, feebly gawking up at its spaciousness, and becoming conscious of the notion that all the answers I desire could take forever to attain. I contemplated just letting things naturally play themselves out, but that could be devastating. And it seems so casual. So, I concluded that my only alternative was to figure things out by myself, and decide what is true and right based on what I think. But my setback is I don't even know where to initiate my search.

Maybe what you are seeking can only be figured out through experience. You can't always figure things out yourself either. Sometimes you need a partner. Some questions are not preordained to be answered, alone or otherwise. Just let them rest, let them settle. Eventually the truth will come to you. If you stop searching you will, in time, grasp that all you needed to do was stop, and wait for the truth to come to you. There is a difference between this and letting situations simply unfold. It is less careless. I suppose that is because you have more influence.

feeling something here
rain
maybe... love
i'll miss you
tonight the land spills over
onto the breathless canvas of life
The desperation to live this picturesque life
fucking religion
used
memoir \ jerico
natural selection
yo tengo cansada
yo no puedo sentirme los labio ya yo no puedo hablar la verdad
life plan
transformation
love span
tear drops from careless eyes
that rinse in the black hours of the day
they burn they burn
they burn so much
these eyes
why
too bad for you
too bad for fucking you
open
bleeding
breeding
focus
too little
too much
almost full
almost full of this
need more
I need it all
all of it
every ounce
inside of me
and i feel it coming over me
overwhelming me
compelling me
to loose control
fade away
I just want to hear it
I just want to see it
feel it
feel it
feel it
I am far too connected
to fall away now







I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

So, you don't think that you will...

No..no, I...I didn't say that. What I said was that I didn't know what perspective to put it in.

That's rather vague.

I know, but think about it...Well, don't think about it, because I sure as hell don't know what to think about it. But maybe...maybe you can. Maybe you can help me figure it out; help me put it into perspective.

Well, what do you want to know?

I don't know...

Now who's being vague?

I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just really don't even know where to begin to think about it.

Well, then, let's start out with the basics: would you ever?

I don't know. All is dependent on my heart. Because I know that I would -

There, then you would...

Yeah...yeah, I guess I would sooner or later.

So what's stopping you?

I...well...time has to play its self out correctly. I don't want to hurry something that will mean so much to me. I just...I guess the real question is when the time would be right.

Fine...so...

I don't know. I don't know! I guess I am just really confused. I don't know what to think anymore. I used to be so sure, but now I realize that in my small and inexperienced mind I really don't know as much as I thought I did. Well, it isn't that I thought that I knew a whole lot, but I did think that I was a stable person. I assumed that I could at least make intelligent decisions, but now...now...I just don't know anymore. I reach for the answers, and they just aren't as easy to find anymore. I get really frusterated about it sometimes, but then, in the midst of all that confusion I consider the notion that maybe I don't even want the answers.

Well, there won't be any definate answers anymore. The world is comprised of many different views, perspecitves, and morals and principals.

God, don't even talk about all of the fucking morals that come into play.

I can tell that they affect you, though. They affect your decision making process.

They haunt me...

I think that it's time to make decisions for yourself...

A. I was just electricuted...
B. That's really funny.
C. Aenima is a very good album
D. God's judgement for me listening to TOOL was the elecricution
E. I'll bet that he laughed when he saw me get elecricuted...
F. That is a very funny mental picture...A guy in a toga with a long white beard chuckling at human misfortune...tell you what, that is fu-nee. Hee-hee.


That's about it...

So...my mom woke me up at 7 a.m. this morning. "You have to get back into your routine," she says. We-he-hell, might I add that I have never really had a sleeping routine. So, tired am I. My mom has put me on this protine diet, and I can't eat any carbohydrates or sugars. Before when I tried this is was by my own free will, and that failed. So, maybe now that someone else is controlling me I will in fact loose weight. I am drinking hot tea. My chest hurts. I am pretty sure that there is a piece a bone shrapnal slowlt driving its way into my heart. The mug of tea is very hot. I keep burning myself. Ahhhhh, so tired. I need a shower. Well, I can't think of anything else to write. Soooooooo............yeah. Did I mention that I am tired?

There's nothing easy about this: Living life. I find that as each day passes it simply gets harder. More things to manage, I must be a responsible adult, do chores, I have to be comitted. But I find that as each day passes, it get that much easier as well. I could never explain to you what I think about life. Because the fact remains that I myself am not sure. But I do know this: there are more important things in life than myself. Too often do I find that I am so caught up in my own ordeals that I don't find that time to see how others are doing. Selfish? I think so. When I give myself time to care and love others it isn't nearly as bad. And I know this for a fact. I love, and I am loved, and life its self is that much easier due to that.

Yes, yes, I do in fact think that life is hard. But why make it harder than it should be? I know that I don't always have the best state of mind. And maybe that's my problem. Always considering the most negative things isn't healthy. All I do is soak up all of that remorse and hatred and vile spite towards myself, and place it in my mind. There it rots. Eating away at my fragile heart. There it decays. Running me into the ground and beating me until I can't open my eyes to see the precious light of day. And what kind of life is that to live? Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone hurts now and then. And why should you let that consume you? How is that beneficial??? Love life. Love living. And understand that you only have one life to live.

The edge of the horizon line is orange again. Not a bright, vibrant orange, but a deep, muted orange. It is an orange on the verge of red and the act of sleep. I am sure of the fact that there is some specific name for this hue, but I don't think that it should have any particular title. For beauty should never be labeled. There aren't terms that can sufficiently describe this state of awe. There aren't words that can serve this serenity justice. But staring at these colors on the rim of the earth makes me head tilt to the side, and try to search for a deeper understanding...but there is none. An artist is simply someone in dire need of an escape from reality. And they push the limits of life. They push the boundaries of reality. But the fact still remains that there aren't any boundaries to fantasia. And we find ourselves here reaching for that beauty with all of our hearts for all of our lives, and ending up empty handed.

Oo - oo...
Will to live rising...rising...Sometimes thinking about other people besides yourself helps you to realize that you are a dumbass for thinking that your problems are unsolvable. Anyhow, that's what I have concluded this morning. I had to go into work this morning at 7:45 a.m. until 1:30 p.m., and it was great. I got a lot of money, and had plenty of time to think. It was a double bonus. {sort of...maybe just a bonus} I have been trying to be more optimistic. It seems more healthy. A bit more stress off of me. Offa me shouldas. I am getting a job at Meijer. That in itself is depressing. I promised myself that I would never get a fast food or bagger job, but the fact is that I NEED the money. SO, here is my plan of attack. I work at TR Clark three days a week after school, and five days a week I work at Meijer, and in between those workings I do school work, and them after Meijer I'll have to do school work, too. If I have a grueling schedule I think that I will be more motivated at school.

"You take your car to work
I'll take my board
And when you run out of fuel
I'm still afloat"

...just a thought...anyhow, yes, my room smells nice now! That's exciting. I think. But about the money deal. I have to have about $600 for that, I need to pay about $300 for my car, and I just plain need money. I told my mom that I would become a drug dealer, and she said that was okay, so I might do that as well. Even though I would be tried as an adult. But oh, well. I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep and I had a poem that I thought up. I decided that I should probably get up and jot it down, but then I remembered that I am very lazy, so lazy in fact that I won't even clean the cat poop up in my room. Yep. Anyhow I think that it went a little something like this...

Does your heartbeat keep you up at night?
Does it keep your from your dreams
Life if the mind of a sleeping beauty
Isn't always what it seems...

Something...something...it was better before, I just don't remember. Damn laziness. Hmmm...My eyes burn. That's a sure sign of sleep deprivation...I best be off. I have to go into work today, and I have to do laundry and homework. Life is bliss.

Gar, I woke up this morning feeling like I was about to die. No seriously, well, not seriously, but I felt as if my body was firing me. Or I was firing my body, I'm not sure, but I was weighed down in my bed by my own sinuses and my head decided that moving wasn't an option. I ate a waffle last night and thought that I was going to die. I don't know. But that waffle and I just weren't getting along. I almost started a fistfight with it, but then it backed off. Actually I fell asleep. I didn't want to go home so early last night. It was rather disheartening. I wanted to be around people, in the company of others. You know. Not so lonesome. But I don't understand why I would have been because I was with people for a long time. I just didn't want to be by myself, probably because I contemplate too much. I just ate far far too much chili. Actually I only ate about three fourths of a regular sized bowl. Apparently that was more then enough. Hey hey! I am going to jump into the Maumee River in about an hour! That's exciting! Whew! I have done it the past 3 years! It's crazy. Crazy like a fox. Anyhow, I had better go. I have to get my suit on. Whoo-Whoo...and all that jarbol...

Ah, I hate this life. Sometimes I feel that it would just be best if I ended it all. That seems selfish and these seem like the senseless ramblings of a depressed 17-year-old girl. They are. I don't know what else to think though. I can't explain this excrusiating misery. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to just leave it all behind. End everything...what am I saying...I don't even know anymore. There are things in this world that I love, and make it worth saving. But outside of that there is no hope. There is no will to live or continue down this road to utter emptyiness. I sound so dramatic, so foolish. I just wish that I could breathe. I want to be happy, but I don't know how. All that I can think about is Josh, and how I love him. I can't think of tomorrow or yesterday...only him...only right now. And how I wish that he were here. Because I can't do this alone. I can't live through this all by myself...and the vulnerability shines through...I'll probably get beat up tonight. I just can't do this anymore...I can't live this way.

Full


Life that isn’t loved is lost.
Love that isn’t lived is lost as well.
So let us lie here in each other’s arms.
So peaceful.
So soothing.
What more could I ask for.
What more could I need.
In life…in love.
What kind of a world is this where all I need is you?
I don’t question.
I don’t expect to know or learn.
Because I have no desire be taught.
Not anymore.
Not ever again…

Hmmm...didn't go to church today. Haven't gone for a while. It doesn't even feel like a Sunday. My family is at the mall seeing Lord of the Rings. They shouldn't be home for another hour or two. That's exciting. Solitude=Peace. I was going to go, but 11:30 a.m. is far too early to watch a movie, and I wouldn't have followed it as well. I told my parents that I would much rather see it when it is night. The blackness of night has a truer clarity. That and the fact that I want to see it with Josh. But I figured that 11:30 a.m. was too early for him as well. I did call him around 10:45, but no one picked up, and I didn't want to disturb him anyway. I would much rather him be sleeping. I would like to watch him sleep. Because when people are asleep there is such an innocence, such a purity that permeates the atmosphere. Gently closed eyes. Breathing ever so softly. The realization that their mind, their dreams are in some other marvelous places. And they depict a sort of peace like no other. Serenity. It makes me smile. So peaceful. Hmmm...

I feel terribly bad. I hate burdening people with my own problems. It makes me feel guilty. I'm always afraid that people will feel sorry for me, and I don't want that. But I think that in my subconscious I really do want that. But I feel that my misery should be kept to me and only me, because I don't want to make anyone else miserable. At the same time of course I feel that if I keep these emotions all bottled up inside, I won't know what to do with them, and God knows what might happen when I can't handle anymore. {...sigh...} I just can't stand this life that I am forced to live. I have so many mixed feelings about my parents. I know that they love me...they love me so very much that they want to keep me from all things that could ever hurt me. ALL THINGS. My father was talking to me last night about how it's come to the point in my life where "he can't control me anymore". CONTROL??? CON-FUCKING-TROL???? Why in God's name would I want to be "controlled". I want to live my life. I want learn who I am. I want to experience. I want to live! And why not? Everyone else can...I can't tell how to feel about my parents because I know that they love me so much. But they are smothering me and I resent them for that. I don't know how to tell them that I can't take this life. And that all I want is liberation. The things that I love, the things that keep me going - they try to keep out of my reach. And I am still at that age where they can hold it high enough above my head where I can't reach it. Argh...I don't know what to do. "And I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility"...That's all I can think. Hmmm...