Although my eyes are tired from crying
I weep just the same
Despite the fact that I feel so utterly alone right now
I sit by myself
The desires of my heart are futile
The hopes of this night are out of reach
But it is to those that I cling
It is to those that I hold on with such a true and passionate grip
It seems that even a sip if nectar is worse
Than not having any at all
Because it leave an aftertaste that won't go away
Such futile and wasted compassion on a night like this
What hapless hours I must tread through this evening
Until the dawn comes with all of its luster
And cures me of this melancholy emotion

Here I am again.
Here I stand.
I live.
I breathe.
I forget to breathe.
Sometimes.
Too often.
I listen to the dreams of the past.
The futile hopes.
Voiced by those who wish they could have lived them.
Regretted by those who gave up.
They gave up.
But I listen to their meek voices.
And I see their eyebrows squint in the faint candle light.
It makes me wonder.
I cannot grasp the truth.
I cannot hold it in my hands.
Fingers trembling to grip.
Knuckes tense and soar.
I discover.
That I cannot find the answers.
And all that I can do is stand here.
Listening to the words of those who gave up.
They gave up.

To find the reasons for one's actions is a concept so fathomless that I just don't want to even try anymore.

Then what are you going to do now.

I think I'll just sit here.

Sit there and...think...

God dammit, you're right. I can't get my mind off of anything. All I do is meditate on the simplistic ways of life, the minuscule problems, the insecurities that must be coped with on a daily basis, and try and to figure out the equation the makes them so complex.

But they aren't complex.

Don't you think I already know that? I just want to find some method to this madness. I need answers.

But there aren't any. We are all just simple beings. We live our lives, basking in pleasure and resenting anything that makes complexity, but you- God, you try and find the complexity in situations and circumstances that hold no complexity.

You don't know what it's like inside this brain. You have no concept of what I deal with in this mind. I know that there aren't answers, but has there ever been a time- anytime, that you just simply sat back, and contemplated something that you didn't understand, and wished that there was and answer, but you already knew the futility of your own meditations? I go through this everyday. I see things through two separate frames of mind. I have numerous perspectives of life. I see someone loving someone else, and I wish that I knew what compelled that person to feel the way they did. I see someone standing in a corner, cowering at their own self-induced insecurities. They slit their wrists with the razor blades that they concoct with their own thoughts. They cry futile tears. I see someone that is full of love and the desire to give, and yet they are neglected by all for no reason. Why? Why are they neglected when they hold in their hand a solution to so many people's problems? I see a lost child who can't find them self amidst there own life. How does that work? They look in the mirror everyday and see their own reflection, and yet they can't see through the thoughts that clutter their beautiful mind. So they are left, alone, in within their own confusion. I see someone holding dear to all that will get them nowhere. They see only what they want too see, and don't realize that there are emotions that fill this world. They are lost in there own desires and can't see the way out of the maze of life that they worked their way into. I see people who are desperate and need the most simplistic things, and yet, those are not even met. Do you ever see this? Do you ever feel this way?

whisper

here we lie.
I in you arms,
and you,
in mine.
never letting go.
please hold on.
stay inside
this craving body.
stay inside
this starving void.
what was once
my heart
now belongs
to you.
wait here.
wait here
with me
in the blackness
of the night,
and we
shall reside
forever within
each other.
and always
immersed in
one another
by no means
forgetting
to
never
never
let go.

If the Crayon Man is dead I will be thoroughly disappointed. Not because he was entertaining, or an excellent writer, or even because I will never know who he was or how real he was. I will be disappointed because I have empathy for people. I have this heart that won't let me forget things. People dying doesn't sadden me. It's people who don't need or have a reason to die that hurts me. I don't understand how something could inadvertantly wound my heart. I don't know if I see like a cynical person, or if I appear to be more apathetic then empathetic. But nonetheless, in my heart is what I feel, and what I know to be true. For some reason my emotions made the Brad seem like such a reality, because there are people that live that life. There are those who end up that way. And it kills me on the inside. I don't know if that seems foolish, but the notion of someone living that way, and dying that way makes me so very sad. I don't understand my own logic. I just know that I have a lot of compassion in this heart for others, and I know that for some reason that story made me so sad. And I can't stop thinking about it. I debate which is more depressing: the fact that I hold onto this story as if it were reality, or the fact that I do think it is reality. I'm not sure. I have to go.

I have not the space to breath
Or maneuver in my skin
I cannot adjust my mind
I cannot see my own reflection in the mirror
I do not know where I ended up
I do not know where my face is
Who am I?
There are far too many razor blades
In my right-hand pocket
And I have no place to put them
They clutter my heart
And I need a release
For them
Not me
I have no where to put them
I have no where to put them
I have no where to put them
Too many cutting thoughts
Too many razor blades

I've got plans...
Oh, I've got big plans, my children. I have got great plans for this life...plans for this girl. It's a suicide world, but not for me. None of that for these lips, and this smile…this love. Everything is aaaaaaaaaal-right. Staring at a heart in a tin box. Watching a soul in a Tupperware container. They aren't free. They aren't free. They aren't like me. I swim to the laughter. I float to my own peaceful contentment. And why not? The songs of the birds that sit in the treetops are the sounds of serenity. I have such big plans my friends. I have such great, monumental plans. I wish you knew my hearts desires. I wish you knew my brain. Look through my mind's eye and see this. But I am surely surely glad that you do not. Because that's where I store my intentions. Which, mind yourselves, are all all all all good. Lovely lovely day with out rain. Sun shines through window pains, through glass containment. Look what you've done to me. I sit here in this room writing paper about books that I have never read. I should be outside. Like a little child playing in a sandbox. What have I done to me along with you? Ah well, my day will come. My hope is here. And it is there as well. I care so much about my dreams I can't help but smile. Such great expectations. I didn't like that book. But I do love life. I don love the ocean. I do love music in my ears and ringing through out my head. I love so very very much.

Hmmm.

Lovely.

It's the same

It falls to the ground

Touching the walls on its way down

Slightly tangled

And partially swallowed

Yet still afloat

Still bobbing in the stale waters

But falling

Catching

Scuffing...

Augh...






Feeling sick. I think that's because I just ate about 5 pieces of cake, 2 eggs and a can of pop. Mmmm...cake. I spent the night at my cousin's apt. last night. And despite the fact that she had NO food at all it was a lot of fun. But then again, my cousin is always fun to be around. It was one of those nights where you find yourself falling into a different perspective of life. I stepped out of my own body- I stepped out of myself, and looked down onto the group of girls, driving down an old, abandoned stone road. They were in their prime. They could have been doing anything, somehing remotely important. But that wasn't the case. They just drove, listened to the soft music, smoked cigatettes and enjoyed eachothers company- peaceful. That mental picture will stick in my mind forever, it's something that I will never forget- something that I have no desire to forget. It was so so beautiful, and it reminded me of how much I love life. It's moments like that which captivate me, and I don't know what to what to think about anything, save, I love life. How do I deal with life, what am I going to do? So many plans, so many things to love. I just want things to be simple and avoid complexity at all cost. Last night, I fell in love with life.