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I am subject to change.

I think that I have discovered why I am so captivated by these three songs:

Crash/Dave Matthews
Parabol/Tool
The Hollow/A Perfect Circle

I realize that these three songs are dedicated to the subject of sex. Well, I can't help but feel dirty knowing that I love these songs as much as I do. But I figured out why I love them so much. It's because they are so passionate. That sounds bad to, but it's true. It is such a passionate topic, and why would one expect anything less. I don't mean to be gross, but I really think that the passion and intimacy that is involved in those kinds of relations permeates into these songs. That's how it should be, though. Think about it. They are all very gifted song writers for one, and I am amazed that they can capture such passion into a song. That is truly a gift. Truly. So, yes, once again, I don't mean to be gross, but what can I say, I am a very passionate person. And I am a romantic. I just think that is amazing that they can capture passion into words and a rhythm and the music in general. Because every time I hear the music, and absorb it, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by this immense sense of emotion. And I just break out of my shell. It is so cathartic to just sing as loud as you can, and not care at all. Just let go. Ah, I just want to let go of everything.

"Temporarily Pacifying"--that is my favorite phrase. Because just about everything is that, only temporarily pacifying, Only soothing for a short while, but then what?

I love the way the shadows fall
On an evening where the sun
Is bright orange and red then disapears
Under the stars we'll run

To find ourselves an inner beauty
A light inside this black
And innocence will be shattered
While the sin we both shall lack

A single soul held together
In two bodies touching tight
I wish this moment would last forever
And forever would be this night.

Please hold me in your arms
And kiss this face that burns from tears
Because the pain inside this heart of mine
Has been consumed by all my fears

yadda yadda...

I can't write poetry anymore. All of my poems are a bunch of cliche phrases. It saddens me. Anyway, school is over. Time to jet...

I have been making an effort to keep every thought captive. I am striving to be more open-minded and understanding to other peoples beliefs, and at the same time more understanding of my own beliefs. It isn't easy. I am stuck between two places. And that seems to be the same for everything. I can't remove myself from draining situations, and it's mostly because of my own decision. That's what kills me. I know what I want, and I know what I need, and I realize what I have, but question whether I want it. When in fact there really isn't anything that I can do to rid myself of it in a pleasant way. Therefore, in questioning it I hurt myself even more. Interensting...
I have a throbbing headache, but I keep listening to Radiohead at full blast. The music sooths something inside me, and the pain of a headache is something that I would choose over this dull pain in my heart.

What do I have
Or lack
Or am I truly full
I know I'm not
But what's the use
I can't forget
When I close my eyes
To go to sleep
And there you are
In mind's eye
I can't rid myself of you
Parasite
But it's not your fault
That you are
Eating away at my heart
Emotions
And thoughts
I can help it
I can
I can
But I don't want to
And that's my own fault
That's my own damn fault

burdens

my bones are tired
i hear their creeks and moans.
my heart is so heavy.
that’s so much weight to carry.
these poor, old, brittle bones.

What if we all just suppose that we are happy, when truly in our souls we aren't? We lack. What if the happiness that we "have" is just an illusion, only a state of mind, and we don't truly posses it. But there is a purer joy and true happiness, if only we could grasp it. If only we could taste it. We would never let go, because there wouldn't be anywhere else to turn. Once that truth is found, why would you want to venture anywhere else? How would that be beneficial at all? It just simply wouldn't. Because what else could fill you? People are always striving, always yearning for that joy that fulfillment that ultimate feeling of gratification, but they can't ever find it. They can't ever see it until they don't focas on it. And when they don't focas on it, all will fade away, and the intense, naked truth will be exposed. They'll find what they are looking for, and they will finally see. Pure zen. An ultimate state of nirvana. It makes sense. Or at least to me. I think that the hardest thing to do...is just let go...

Well, another day another dollar.
Here I sit. In this room they call the "Library" or for those of you who might be offended by that, we can call it the "Media Center". But I have respectively decided to refer to as the "Book Hold".

I think that I can almost see. Or maybe I can. But I realize that there is a filter over my vision. Or even simply a glaze over my thoughts. Hence, I can't figure anything out. Everything is smudged and smeered, and I can't make out what I am thinking due to the lack of focas on a situation or circumstance. Hmmm... Maybe I am just seeing what I choose to see. People do that often. It isn't healthy. But consider someone who is tired of feeling pain, and they know the truth, and they also know that the truth hurts more than any other pain. This person sees what they want only because they know that accepting the truth is like accepting the pain, and who wants to accept pain? They only find a way out by ignoring the truth, even though the truth is what shall eventually set them free from the bondage of the numb pain that they feel on a day to day basis. I know that there isn't a reason to ignore reality, and shun the truth, but you have to understand that I can't accept the truth because I can't hurt anyone. I can't inflict pain onto another human being another soul another spirit. I can't crush someone's spirit. What sort of a person would that make me? Altruism is the act of being selfish on someone else's behalf. I have found that this is the only option that I have. The only option that will keep other's happy. And though I will be the one suffering, I still see that as a better sacrifice. It's poem time...



A Glass of Pain

A glass pain
It is all that separates you from the rest of the world
Look at the rain
It falls on the sheet of transparent imprisonment
And you debate
Whether or not it is your friend or foe
Deciding
If it holds you or if it gives you hope
Taunting or reminding
It holds you
It treats you like a prisoner
On the verge of destruction
It shows you
The world you left behind
It calls you
Out into the open, into the light of day
And with every breath on the glass
You feel like the air is sucked out of the room
And the pain catches it for you
And gives it back.



It isn't a very good poem, but it isn't all that bad, I suppose.

Well, hot-damn!
It's me birfday.

Thanksgiving was alright. My Aunt Anna has been confirmed crazy, by myself of course. I have been really spontaneous lately. Really crazy. On Saturday night, I was walking into town...ya that's right...and I was chased by these drunkard college guys, and I was so scared! They stopped in the middle of the road, where I was, and so I decided that the nearest house was now "my house". So, I walked up to it, and was about to ring the door bell because they opened the door, and were hooting and hollering some drunken gibberish. But as I was going to do it, they stumbled back into their Drunk-mobile and left. So, I just went back home. I have never been so frightened in my life...well, I probably have, but no time recently.

I used to be the best kid. I was such a smart, funny, diligent, studious, respectful, cute, well-behaved child. What happened. I find myself drinking much more, and whenever I feel stressed out, or depressed good ol Mr. Marlboro seems to be there to comfort me. I sneak out of my house all the time, not to go anywhere imperticular. I am loosing my grasp on reality. I can't feel my mind. I want to either die or leave this town. But I am too much of a puss to complete either. That's rich. I feel distant. I was looking in the mirror the other day, and my eyes aren't how they used to be. That saddens me. I used to have such pretty eyes. I wish that I could find some sort of medication in this madness. Why have things become so obscure to me lately. Can anyone explain? Because I know that I can't. Radiohead has been helping.

"...Like a cat, tied to a stick..."

I have this dream. It's crazy. But I can't tell any of you what it is. Because that would ruin it...

My biggest fear is drowning.
I am drowning.
Drowning a a stale pool of my own self-inflicted misery...
I cause myself and others so much grief.
And the only aspect of my world that I depended on, my emotions, have left me dangling,
reaching for help, stretching to grasp a hand that isn't there, weeping to someone, anyone.
And when I said anyone I thought I knew what I meant,
but it turns out that it wasn't just anyone.
Where did my heart go?
Where did my emotions lead me to?
I have never felt so betrayed and yet I, too am the betrayer.
Where did I go?
I think that life's borders end at love.
Love can eliminate life.
Or the lack there of.
I can't find peace anymore.
Everything is only temporarily pacifying.
As my hopes and dreams crumble,
So do I
I am so tired...
And all I want to do right now is
Sleep...