Hmmm...The thought of blood being taken out of my arm is very unnerving. In fact, I can't stand the notion of it. I get blood taken in about a half hour - a fate worse than death. But even though I am so utterly scared, I can't help but feel like an absolute moron. I figured that I was (A) doing a good thing by donating my drug-free, healthy blood to those in need, and (B) I mean come on! I get a free cookie and will more than likely leave school. So, at the time it didn't seem like that bad of an idea...how wrong I was. I don't know what I was thinking. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't written my own name on the page slash signed my own soul over...Wow, am I a moron. My stomach is turning...I had better go...

Your far beyond the visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserable to rescue
Sleeping Beauty...
Poisoned and Hopeless

What now...
What now...
When here again I find myself - lost.
I can't touch to ground.
I can't feel the walls.
I can only see the darkness.
Feel the darkness
The dark lights.
The dark eyes.
This dark karma.
Alone in this fathomless night.
What to do now...
What to feel now...
What to live for now...
When my body hurts so badly.
While this numb mind serves no purpose.
Fingers bleeding.
And my throat hurts from screaming.
So lost...so lost
This poor rejected infant.
This poor abandoned child.
Left for the wolves.
Left to be absorbed by the night.
This pathetic soul.
This worthless being.
A spirit of nothing.
A vessel of emptiness.
And it's better this way.
It's best to be left to drown in my own sorrows and fears.
To open up my old wounds.
And embrace the night that I once lived in.
Oh, well...

Joel Bair won't leave me alone about going to get high with him this week...argh. It's quite obnoxious. What a terrible situation. I don't like it. What's wrong with me? I sure as hell don't know. Ah, life, what next? What else do you have to throw my way, because I am glad to recieve it as always. Hmmm...like always...

Anyhow, I want to be listening to my cd player so very badly. You don't understand. I require something to block out the voices of numerous children yammering about how they hate American Studies...Oh, the bell...my savior...

Vivid Rain


I cannot remember the last time
Raindrops slid down my neck
Filling me with such an unexplainable relief.
Or the last time I closed my eyes,
And felt each individual raindrop fall
Onto my face,
Soothing my skin,
Tasting so sweet.
Like nectar on my scared lips.
As if I was cleansed of all imperfections,
Washed clean,
Made Pure.
When was the last time I was filled with such a peace?
This peace that is more than indescribable.
And during this enchanting experience I am overcome
With a feeling of love.
With no words needed to be spoken,
And my soul filled with a beautiful hope
I feel completed.
In my mind’s eye,
You are with me…
You are here…
In the rain,
And feeling this with me.

I don't know if I like this. I feel too transparent. I am used to keeping thoughts and emotions to myself, but now...when I write I can't stop, and the thoughts just pour from my mind. I feel like I just vomit all over this page, and I feel exposed. That is how I feel - exposed. And there is everything wrong with that.

I don't know where to begin. It seems sufficient to start out by saying that I don't know where to begin. That appears, in my mind, to be the correct way to begin so that is how I shall. At any rate, now that I have collected all of my muffled thoughts, I shall begin.

There has never been a time in this short and meaningless life that I have found myself so enthralled by something. That might sound crazy. I am probably giving off a vibe that is confusing and yet simultaneously thought provoking. Or maybe you think that I am someone with some sort of obsessive disorder. For all you know I could indeed be crazy. Entertain that thought for a while. What I am getting at is that you don’t know me. You don't know who I am. I could be a man. I could be a woman. I could be a small, adolescent child who is smarter than you. And you probably wouldn't want to believe that. Where would your dignity be then? Do you even want to think about that? What you would do with yourself, lacking your precious dignity. Lacking you valuable, costly, irreplaceable pride! You're pathetic! But you are pulling me away from my intended course of writing. So, I will continue…

You don't know who I am. I am what you wish you were. I am what you want to be. What do you think of that? The only things that you can see are my words, my delicate phrases on this page. I am invisible to you. I am the epitome of what you cannot grasp, because I am not tangible. I can feel your breath on this page. I am the page. I am the ink that is blotched in the letters. I AM REAL! … And I can see you.

I can see your squinting eyes and tight lips. I can feel your fingers touch. Can't you feel me? Staring back at you. Glaring into your soul, because I have been there. I have seen it. I know your deepest thoughts, the ones that you tell no one, the ones that you keep to yourself. And yet you share them with the night. I have seen the desires of your heart that you leave in your mind's eye, while they frustrate your senses, and try to escape, only making there way to your fingertips. I have seen those as well. I have witnessed your biggest fears. I have lured them into your direct vision, and left them there to haunt you. Do they eat away at your brain? Your thoughts absorb you. They call you. They seduce you. And now, now that your heart has grown black you don't know where to turn to in the night. There is no beacon for which to give you hope. There is no hope for you, my friend…

I know you…

I know all about what you are, and where you have been. And you can't hide anymore. You can't keep yourself from me. And I am here. Waiting. And you cannot escape now, or ever again. I have waited so long, and been so patient. So much indeed have I done in order to become a part of you. Without you knowing, I have raped your heart and with it the desire deep within. I have taken all that you have, and have stolen your soul. All for the good of you. Because I know you, and I know where you have been.

You can't run from me…I am you.

I have chosen not to even try to comprehend why I am so happy. I know the exact reasons for my overwhelming sense of joy, but there are some aspects of my life that, when I consider them, should probably be making me miserable...but they aren't. I have kind of blocked them out of my mind, they are in my peripheral vision. I realize that they are there, and remotely significant, but I choose to ignore them. Which is just fine with me. For instance, I have about seven essays that I have yet to write for American Studies, I am, or at least feel unattractive, my face...(don't even get me started), my grades, the fact that the shoes that I wore today brought about two blisters on both my pinky toes, my future, etc.. But I just don't care. Maybe I should. Maybe I should care about all these things. But I can't focus on any of them. And that is just fine with me. When I see all that I have, and know that it is all that I ever wanted, I simply lie back and absorb it all - knowing that I couldn't want more...Also for instance, I have and love Josh, I love Lauren, I have all my friends, a driver's license, my health (that last one was kind of just a joke...kinda...but I guess that I am happy that I have my health. I mean I could be dying? Right, but I'm not)...It's funny to me how two people's minds/hearts can be in the same place, and they don't even realize it. Maybe because they don't want to, even though they do. Maybe because of their own insecurities. But that's something that will need to work itself out. You can't go on forever with an overwhelming thought in your mind or a feeling in your heart. Sooner or later it finds a way of working itself out into the open. A way of revealing itself, I guess. That will happen all in good time.