end.

Today I was contemplating my funeral. Although I feel far from dead, I don't doubt possibilities. The concept of normal funerals upsets me. I find them to be a little depressing, and what fun is that? I would much rather have those who knew and loved me celebrate my life. So, this is what I decided:

~At first, there is just a simple casket with some flowers and crying people.
~Then, all of the sudden, everything goes black.
~My body is secretly lowered from the ceiling in the dark, while no one can see.
~Then, a spotlight shines onto my dangling body, and all these multi-colored lights burst onto the stage where the casket was.
~Techno music.
~Lots of techno music, like the kind that people play to pump sports teams up.
~Following that, lots of attractive men come out in silver suits with glow sticks.
~Think rave here, people.
~Then, my body, which is hanging by ropes, starts to fly through the audience, and move to the music.
~And now, the confetti.
~Lights flashing, confetti flying, silver suited men, load fast music, and me, flying throughout the crowd.

This idea might be borrowed...
I haven't thought of the "grand finally" as of yet.
At first I thought about just going back to blackness, and everything would go back to normal when the lights came back on.
But I'm not sure yet.

the tool concert on wednesday was awsome, per usual. The sound of course sucked, all thanks to the sports arena, or as Tony put it, I think he said the Sports Toilet. Anyway it was funny. That's all.

I must be really lazy. Tomorrow I have all of three things to do, and I am dreading the upcoming twenty-four hours like no other. I have to take my ACT, which will take about four dreadul hours. I'm not a really good test taker. I just don't function well. Especially at eight on the morning. Then, in order to make a little money, which is appearently important for survival these days, I am going to fand out coffee at a gun show...for a store that I don't even work for. The concept of dainty coffee and pastries at a gun show makes me raise an amused eyebrow. But hey, it's money. That's all that counts. Unless it doesn't coutn and I make ten bucks for five hours of labor. So, ACT from 8-12, confusing odd job from 13-5, and then baby-sitting starts at 9:30. In the span of time between 5 and 9 I told a friend that I would hang out with her. I feel kind of bad because sometimes hanging out with friends is like a chore to me and I don't feel like I'm giving them a good deal. But what can you do? I'll have a nice time, but sort of want to be sleeping for the entire experience. Sorry. Well, I have to go to bed, and get up at 6. I pray to the god's of the ACT that they let me get something above a twenty; a twenty-six might be nice. But my tendency is to do poorly so I expect an eighteen. Then when we all (several friends are taking the test at the same time) get out test back and everyone is so fucking excited about their twenty-nine's and thirty-one's I will cry because I got a shitty number, and manage to base my living worth on that number. Then my boyfriend will ask what I got compaired to his twenty-nine, and I won't want to tell him because he'll be saying, "You're smart, it can't be that bad. What's your score???" So, I'll tell him, and then comes that look on his face that says to me that I really did do bad, and he kind of feels stupid for thinking that I was smart, when I'm really not, but he's in denial about that issue. That look that says, "Oh, um, I guess you really did do bad. Silly me for telling you that 'it can't be that bad'. I guess I just shouldn't have asked." But ehen comes those partronizing words like, "Oh, that's not bad..." Or the excuses for stupidity, "You're just not a good test taker..." Oh how I just cannot wait for tomorrow! Oh JOY! Oh Rapture! Oh stab myself in the face for ever not paying attention in high school. Fuckin a...

I just wrote a song today. It's not important.

Today we recieved our soccer team shirts. On the back of them were the names of all of the team members. But wait, there was one name missing...and it-it was...my name. I know it was an honest mistake, and I'm sure that the other members won't care, but the fact of the matter is that I work hard, very hard for the team. I just feel a little left out, because they sure aren't going to do a thing about it.

I have hundreds of pages to read in several books. I should probably be doing that right now.

This whole "blog" thing is the most efficient was to be extremely introspective. I'll bet that thousands of kids make themselves feel different about themselves via this site. I know I do. I certainly do. But at least I also get the opportunity to write down my songs, like "I wish I were a kitty", for example. That one's going to the number one slot, you just wait. Anyway...

{painful sigh, with a faint hint of longing}

Oh me on my. Those are probably the only words that can describe how I feel at the present moment. Oh. Me. Oh. My. Yep, that's about it. I am lonesome and fatigued. I am sorry and grieved. I try. I am brittle and weak. I am humble and meek. I try and I try. I am sore and bleeding. I am praying and pleading. I try and I try and I try. I am learining and thinking. I am dying and sinking. I try and I try and I try and I try. I am listening and hearing. I am fretting and fearing. I try and I try and I try and I try and I try. I am working and respecting. I am loosing and rejecting. I try and I try and I try and I try and I try and I try. I am longing and weeping. I am searching and seeking. I am I am trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying...broken.

{sigh}

{exhale}

{breath}

It's so easy to hear things that aren't there. It is so easy to feel things that aren't there. It is so easy. So easy.

So easy for me.

I feel the pain of guilt. I feel the pain of want. I feel the pain of weakness. I feel the pain of failure. I feel the pain of defeat.

That will not be me.

I want to feel the pain of bleeding this time around. I want to feel the pain of all pains. Not sorry. Pain.

Hurting.
Wounded.
Bleeding.
Scraping.
Scruffing.
Bleeding.
Trembling.
Falling.
Bleeding.
Melting.
Dripping.
Bleeding.

Blood.

Bleeding.

Once again, I haven't posted in a while. Only about 13 days left of school. That's a relief, but what isn't a relief is the fact that I have a bit of homework to catch up on. So very much to do. Mostly the things that are haunting me are my art projects and my final project for American Studies. Ya, I don't know how that's going to turn out... I hope for the best always. I am tired. Tired and pudgy. I think that the tiredness derives from the pudginess and the pudginess comes from the sleep and the anti-exercise. Ah well, what are you going to do... Nothing if you ask me. Absolutly nothing. I miss Scout. I miss summer. I miss legs worth showing. I miss being tan. Boy do I sound utterly absorbed with myself and perfectionism. Pff. That's sad in itself. What I miss the mot is not caring. Man, I really don't have too much to say tonight. Except this: let go. I was just thinking.

I think that it is sufficient to say that I haven't blogged in a long time. Does that make sense? Who cares... It's one o'clock in the bloody morning, and I am still at work. Ah, well. Got to get that raise. Ha. That reminds me of "Liar Liar" when the secretary gives Jim Carey his "raise". (her middle finger...tee-hee) Whew Donna, that is some good stuff. Anyhow. I am super tired, BUT I must go home and finish my homework. I was wondering earlier why I was so gosh doarn tired. Then it occurred to me, it's was those God damned muscle relaxers. I think that I'm really sick. I can't seem to not be nauseous. I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, which, mind you, I am not. I'm just tired and cranky. Or maybe I would just rather be at home than here at the death-torium a.k.a. work/job/place. I feel shitty... You know. I was thinking. If someone sneaked into my work place with a gun, and was going to kill me, I would look at them with my sad, dull eyes and say, "Hey man, I hate my job, I don't care what you do to this place, just let me go home and sleep." And the guy/girl for that matter would say, "Oh, ok, off you go." It's just that easy. Try it sometime, see what happens. I don't know...I was just thinking.

So, yeah. My back really itches...a lot. And my chest itches...a lot. That and I got glasses. For me eyeballs that is
Maybe it's these darned glasses that are making me itch so much...Hmmm...could be...

Tomorrow I get to go to Columbus at 6:30 in the morning. That is, I have to be at the high school at 6:30 am. Oh Joy! Oh Rapture! So then, I suppose that sleep is at hand. Wait a second- I just thought of how convenient this whole day field trip will be: tonight, I don't have to do any homework!!! So, sincerely now folks: Oh Joy!!! Oh Rapture!!! What more could a girl ask for?



...



Damn.


Remember how I was just super happy? Well, my bi-polarness is kicking in again and I have suddenly become aware of a frightening realization that may alter my life...oh...not again...Why oh why...Dammit...I hate it when I don't think, and make stupid decisions like this. It happens all the time. All the time. All the time. I wish that I was really seclusive and no one knew anything about me. I wish that things were how they were last summer. So much innocence. Yet so much curiosity. What went wrong. Where did I end up? Shit. I've gone and done it again.

I keep failing my insightfulness. I was looking/trying to think of a song that would fit into what I was feeling. {I did this so that I wouldn't have to write a long blog. Crafty- eh?} Well, I couldn't think of one. So I thought to myself- "Megan, just write what you're feeling. Make up your own song." I got all worked up for it. You bet. I was feeling deep. But I realized that listening to oldies causes one to not be insightful at all. Hearing songs like "Big Bad John" and "Papa's gotta Brand New Bag" {sidenote: I do intend to kill my brother. Realization: I am the only one that I know that is the older sister with two little brother...I am alone in my pain...} made me laugh. Especially when I thought- "I wish I had a brand new bag..."

Anyhow, I am so tired. I don't want to go to Toronto. I wish I were drunk. I wish I were stoned. I hate being here at my house. I am a terrible person. But I don't care. Do you think the cops could make drug-busts through the blogs? I hope not. I'm stupid. I don't mean to be all morose here people, don't interpret this incorrectly. I just want some pot. That's all. I just want it for my trip to Toronto. Is that too much to ask? I expect some of you to silently judge me for wanting pot. Hey, that's okay with me. Do your thing. Consider me less a person. It really doesn't phase me anymore. I have found that people just don't change. So why bother caring what they think. So if anyone wants to sell me some pot I would be much abliged. I don't know how to spell that...

I just read this:



meg,

ya know, mood rings are funny things. mine canges color out of no where. it didn't even explain what the colors ment on the package so i never know how i feel. i have to just feel what i feel instead of lookin at this handy ring that i have. i want to know what i feel with out having to look deep into my soul. i'll make up my own code:



green w/ yellow outside will mean that i'm all hot and bothered abnout something. example; mr rogers comes on tv and starts changing his shoes. my ring turns green with yellow outside because i mean why would you change your shoes to go into your house. why wouldn't you just wear no shoes. i mean its your house mr rogers!! come on now



yellow with pink outside will mean thatmy favorite simpsons episode is on. ya know the one where they turn into the thompsons and they moveinto the boat house and then sideshow bob follows them cause he wants bart dead and thats why they moved because bob wrote them letters inhis own blood. then the rakes. and the brownie and the chain saw. thats good stuff. too bad it hasn't turned yellow with pink outside yet. i miss sideshow bob.maybe someday



all black will mean that i just got out of the shower cause thats what it looks like when i get out of the shower. thats ring sure is smart.



blue with light blue outside will mean thaT i am hungry simple as that


uh oh better go its turning blue with light blue outside. i must follow the ring. its the master of me. why did i just write that i think its taking over my brain. mood rings are good must buy more mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings mood rings

love scout



And it made me laugh a lot.

I wish that my brain could be tape recorded somehow...I would make a fortune, because I think the best things. My mind is always so chock-full of hillarious, insightful, crazy, affectionate, interestingly intriguing things. I just cannot handle it sometimes. It's so frusterating because I want to write it all down, but I always forget. That's what's frusterating. Anyhow, I have a paper to write, a painting to finish, a monoprint to finish, a lino-cut to finish, a book to finish, and sleep to get. The funny thing is that despite all of that, I just went to see Josh. And it was worth it. Because I love that kid. Hee-hee: kid. So I was thinking today that it would be so great, if you wanted to run away, to mail yourself. That's right. This is what I would do...

You see I know how to ship things, and this is what the process would be:
Make myself a wooden crate, big enough for me and food and drink and possibly pillows and blankets. Put airholes in it. For breathing purposes. You would have to lay down in the crate, cover it with two pieces of plywood, {sp} and bring the drill into the crate with you. That way you could close it and possibly re-open it. (You would have to call CCX before you got in though and fill out all of the paperwork before this all though.) Then you would wait for CCX to come and take the package!!! IT'S THAT EASY!!! No, really, it would be that easy. I would do it. My face itches. A lot. Remember that time that Josh had roids??? I do...

Today my skin got chapped. It got so chapped that when I put lotion on my hands and arms it burned so badly. I was reading other people's blogs just now, and some of them made me laugh so hard. They weren't funny in a "ha-ha" sense, they were just melodranatic and stupid. I feel bad critiquing other's writing, but I consider it to be a sort of benefit to being a writer in progress. And I suppose there is no one to stop me from thinking what I want anyway, so......

I think that I will go home and take a shower. Then, after I am clean, I will fill up the tub and take a bath. I just think that baths when you are dirty are gross. It's like bathing in a tub of your own filth water. And ew. That's what I say. I have a runny nose. Nasal sex.... Oh, and ew again. That's what I think now, thanks Josh. So, I give up on food. Screw it. It never did anything good for me. Stupid life-giving food. I'll show it. You bet I will. But first I need sleep. No, wait, actually, first I need to go home because it is 10:30 and I am still at my wretched place of employment. Death shall come to you all. I don't know why I wrote that last thing...must be the tired. And I'm off.

success.

In about 15 minutes I have to leave work to go to my church. Seemingly innocent...or is it? I was sucked in. I was sucked in by the promise of pizza. Now...now, I have to watch a video about abstinance. How do things like this happen!!! Is life just one big scam? Or is that just religion? I don't know. I think that the majority of religion is a scam, but not all of it. I have seen the good side of religion. I think that's why I can't let it go. No matter how hard I try something keeps pulling at the strings of my heart. I can't entirely release religion. Oh, the weather is really bad out right now. I hope that I don't crash into some pole, and knock it over and then cause a chain reaction of polls falling- espaecially on people. But only the stupid people, not the good people. That sounds funny. I was just kidding. There is no excuse to tak ea human life- none at all. That is what makes me a level five in moral maturity. I don't approve of the death penalty, and yet, I think to myself, "what am I supposed to do about that? Nothing. So that's how it will stay." I don't follow through with my philosophies. Everytime I stop touching the computer for a number of seconds a bunch of pictures of horses pop up on the screen. It's like some odd screen saver, but the pictures go by really fast. I don't understand. Maybe the person who uses this computer thinks that the horses are erotic, and it's some sort of horse porn. horn. Ha ha... Whew, I am a funny kid. And so is Scout, that whole thing about the being funny and saying she will change made me laugh so hard. Anyhow, must go to horrible movie. Maybe I will be able to escape somehow, maybe I will crash into that poll and it will be God's blessing. {Of course, I won't be dead or anything...} Or maybe I will just go pick up Josh and tell him that it's a movie about the life and times of Art Garfunkle, and then he'll come. That way I won't have to suffer alone. And that way I will share my pain with someone else...


Thanks Josh...

Why don't you people blog anymore?


Sad.


Sad am I.

This sucks, stupid library closing at 8:15. DAMN THE LIBRARY!!! CAN'T THEY SEE THAT PEOPLE NEED TO DO RESEARCH.....yes....research...

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

This song reminds me of things. It reminds me of lots of things. Mostly relationships. It is very well written, and I thoroughly enjoy it. I wish that more people (including myself) would be able to grasp this concept becasue it is so so so so very true. The more I hear this song the more I realize its unblemished truth. I suppose that there is nothing that I alone can do. I wish for the ideal far too often, and it is hard to come to grasp the reality that there will never be an ideal or a purity to the minds of others. It seems selfish now that I think of it, now that I think that I wish people understand what I have come to understand. I wish that people could grasp what I find to be true, and it isn't that I want everyone to believe in what I believe in. I simply want others to catch a glimps at what I see and have seen in the past. So I suppose that it really isn't selfish, just an unachievable hope. No one will ever come to terms with their own problems. No one will ever reach what they want to. It seems like it would make sense to just give up. And to some extent I insist that some people should give up, because what they seek is intangible, but at the same time I think that we would all crumble and fall apart if we didn't have that constant yearning for something that we subconciously know that we cannot have. Maybe this only makes sense in my brain, or maye not. I'm not sure. I was just thinking.

Today, I tried to sit down. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to reach for a styrafoam glass. And I couldn't. Today, I tried to drink from a cup. And I couldn't. Today, I looked at my hand. And it was shaking shaking shaking shaking shaking...

It just wouldn't stop shaking. So, I flattened it out. I flattened it on the desk. And it stopped. Until I raised it again.

All I can think about these days. Are the sedatives. All I can think about these days. Are the intoxicants. All I can think about these days. Are the pacifiers. All I can think about these days. Are you. All I can think about... All I can think about...

Oh, life. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.




Fuck you.

five five five five five five five



don't ask why



don't ask me why



I just don't have to answers ready



I just can't see my own reflection



because it isn't there anymore



it's gone



just like me



just like me
just like me

It's 9 o'clock on a lovaly Monday night. I hope that everyone is doing well. My apollogies for not "blogging" sooner. My computer is on the fritz. I am at work at the moment. Listening to the song "sober", which, I will have you know, is presently my favorite song. I have a slight bit of a migraine. That's always a blast. I think that I will go to the dance, if before it I recieve some sort of sedative that will keep me from killing everyone there. I think that Lauren should go with Alex B. That would be awesome. My mind hurts for no appearent reason. I can't explain. Despite the fact that I am content, I am also very very confused. I don't know how to put in words how I feel, so I will just say that I ache. Because I do. Well, life is a crazy thing that I don't know how to deal with. I am at the crossroads. I don't know what direction I will chose to take. I say that in the sense that I don't know what road I will take, and I don't know what road I will chose. In the words of Robert Frost I desire to take the road less traveled. But on the other hand there are so many roads that I yearn to take opposed to that road less trodden. So...we will see how this unfolds. I feel like I am on the verge of something tremendous. Something that I don't even know about yet...whatever that means to you or me I am not sure. I don't like the notion of destroying my own body, but I am pretty good at it. Well, I don't know what else to say except I hope that you all will think of me when you think about ambiguous change and alteration. And I hope that you think of me when you think of someone who is lost. And I hope that you think of me when you think about all the stupid fucks that aimlessly roam this world without a purpose or a goal. Think of me - will you? Think of me.

I am presently at home...while all of you are at school...My face hurts. I have been using that perscription face cream stuff and it has transformed my face into a warzone of death and destruction. Uh, I just ate the worst cereal ever. It was organic. I sure did eat it out of a cool bowl though. You bet I did. WELP! Off to study for American Studies test of doom!
By the way, isn't it funny that when you are introduced to someone you say, "How do you do." But you never say that in any other situation? What does that mean anyway, in a literal sense it doesn't make sense. How do you do what? I don't get it!

Oh, there they go again. She's no good...


Ah, the drudgeries of life. Why cannot we all just get along ? Why do I have to let everyone down all the time. Why do they have to remind me in everything they do that I am the one that causes all the turmoil and problems. I am the "failure". Why ?

Driving
On a soft, subtley black night
Racing with the moon
Eternal beams were never so noticably
Bright

Spring of June

Trees blossom below the shining stars
Mixing me into a brew of emotional novocaine
Mind at ease amidst the serenity
Keeping me alive during wax
And wane

October

Gold never had such value
As on the leaves that coat the earth
In a glaze of beautiful treasure
What an unspoken honor
What an emotional pleasure

Although my eyes are tired from crying
I weep just the same
Despite the fact that I feel so utterly alone right now
I sit by myself
The desires of my heart are futile
The hopes of this night are out of reach
But it is to those that I cling
It is to those that I hold on with such a true and passionate grip
It seems that even a sip if nectar is worse
Than not having any at all
Because it leave an aftertaste that won't go away
Such futile and wasted compassion on a night like this
What hapless hours I must tread through this evening
Until the dawn comes with all of its luster
And cures me of this melancholy emotion

Here I am again.
Here I stand.
I live.
I breathe.
I forget to breathe.
Sometimes.
Too often.
I listen to the dreams of the past.
The futile hopes.
Voiced by those who wish they could have lived them.
Regretted by those who gave up.
They gave up.
But I listen to their meek voices.
And I see their eyebrows squint in the faint candle light.
It makes me wonder.
I cannot grasp the truth.
I cannot hold it in my hands.
Fingers trembling to grip.
Knuckes tense and soar.
I discover.
That I cannot find the answers.
And all that I can do is stand here.
Listening to the words of those who gave up.
They gave up.

To find the reasons for one's actions is a concept so fathomless that I just don't want to even try anymore.

Then what are you going to do now.

I think I'll just sit here.

Sit there and...think...

God dammit, you're right. I can't get my mind off of anything. All I do is meditate on the simplistic ways of life, the minuscule problems, the insecurities that must be coped with on a daily basis, and try and to figure out the equation the makes them so complex.

But they aren't complex.

Don't you think I already know that? I just want to find some method to this madness. I need answers.

But there aren't any. We are all just simple beings. We live our lives, basking in pleasure and resenting anything that makes complexity, but you- God, you try and find the complexity in situations and circumstances that hold no complexity.

You don't know what it's like inside this brain. You have no concept of what I deal with in this mind. I know that there aren't answers, but has there ever been a time- anytime, that you just simply sat back, and contemplated something that you didn't understand, and wished that there was and answer, but you already knew the futility of your own meditations? I go through this everyday. I see things through two separate frames of mind. I have numerous perspectives of life. I see someone loving someone else, and I wish that I knew what compelled that person to feel the way they did. I see someone standing in a corner, cowering at their own self-induced insecurities. They slit their wrists with the razor blades that they concoct with their own thoughts. They cry futile tears. I see someone that is full of love and the desire to give, and yet they are neglected by all for no reason. Why? Why are they neglected when they hold in their hand a solution to so many people's problems? I see a lost child who can't find them self amidst there own life. How does that work? They look in the mirror everyday and see their own reflection, and yet they can't see through the thoughts that clutter their beautiful mind. So they are left, alone, in within their own confusion. I see someone holding dear to all that will get them nowhere. They see only what they want too see, and don't realize that there are emotions that fill this world. They are lost in there own desires and can't see the way out of the maze of life that they worked their way into. I see people who are desperate and need the most simplistic things, and yet, those are not even met. Do you ever see this? Do you ever feel this way?

whisper

here we lie.
I in you arms,
and you,
in mine.
never letting go.
please hold on.
stay inside
this craving body.
stay inside
this starving void.
what was once
my heart
now belongs
to you.
wait here.
wait here
with me
in the blackness
of the night,
and we
shall reside
forever within
each other.
and always
immersed in
one another
by no means
forgetting
to
never
never
let go.

If the Crayon Man is dead I will be thoroughly disappointed. Not because he was entertaining, or an excellent writer, or even because I will never know who he was or how real he was. I will be disappointed because I have empathy for people. I have this heart that won't let me forget things. People dying doesn't sadden me. It's people who don't need or have a reason to die that hurts me. I don't understand how something could inadvertantly wound my heart. I don't know if I see like a cynical person, or if I appear to be more apathetic then empathetic. But nonetheless, in my heart is what I feel, and what I know to be true. For some reason my emotions made the Brad seem like such a reality, because there are people that live that life. There are those who end up that way. And it kills me on the inside. I don't know if that seems foolish, but the notion of someone living that way, and dying that way makes me so very sad. I don't understand my own logic. I just know that I have a lot of compassion in this heart for others, and I know that for some reason that story made me so sad. And I can't stop thinking about it. I debate which is more depressing: the fact that I hold onto this story as if it were reality, or the fact that I do think it is reality. I'm not sure. I have to go.

I have not the space to breath
Or maneuver in my skin
I cannot adjust my mind
I cannot see my own reflection in the mirror
I do not know where I ended up
I do not know where my face is
Who am I?
There are far too many razor blades
In my right-hand pocket
And I have no place to put them
They clutter my heart
And I need a release
For them
Not me
I have no where to put them
I have no where to put them
I have no where to put them
Too many cutting thoughts
Too many razor blades

I've got plans...
Oh, I've got big plans, my children. I have got great plans for this life...plans for this girl. It's a suicide world, but not for me. None of that for these lips, and this smile…this love. Everything is aaaaaaaaaal-right. Staring at a heart in a tin box. Watching a soul in a Tupperware container. They aren't free. They aren't free. They aren't like me. I swim to the laughter. I float to my own peaceful contentment. And why not? The songs of the birds that sit in the treetops are the sounds of serenity. I have such big plans my friends. I have such great, monumental plans. I wish you knew my hearts desires. I wish you knew my brain. Look through my mind's eye and see this. But I am surely surely glad that you do not. Because that's where I store my intentions. Which, mind yourselves, are all all all all good. Lovely lovely day with out rain. Sun shines through window pains, through glass containment. Look what you've done to me. I sit here in this room writing paper about books that I have never read. I should be outside. Like a little child playing in a sandbox. What have I done to me along with you? Ah well, my day will come. My hope is here. And it is there as well. I care so much about my dreams I can't help but smile. Such great expectations. I didn't like that book. But I do love life. I don love the ocean. I do love music in my ears and ringing through out my head. I love so very very much.

Hmmm.

Lovely.

It's the same

It falls to the ground

Touching the walls on its way down

Slightly tangled

And partially swallowed

Yet still afloat

Still bobbing in the stale waters

But falling

Catching

Scuffing...

Augh...






Feeling sick. I think that's because I just ate about 5 pieces of cake, 2 eggs and a can of pop. Mmmm...cake. I spent the night at my cousin's apt. last night. And despite the fact that she had NO food at all it was a lot of fun. But then again, my cousin is always fun to be around. It was one of those nights where you find yourself falling into a different perspective of life. I stepped out of my own body- I stepped out of myself, and looked down onto the group of girls, driving down an old, abandoned stone road. They were in their prime. They could have been doing anything, somehing remotely important. But that wasn't the case. They just drove, listened to the soft music, smoked cigatettes and enjoyed eachothers company- peaceful. That mental picture will stick in my mind forever, it's something that I will never forget- something that I have no desire to forget. It was so so beautiful, and it reminded me of how much I love life. It's moments like that which captivate me, and I don't know what to what to think about anything, save, I love life. How do I deal with life, what am I going to do? So many plans, so many things to love. I just want things to be simple and avoid complexity at all cost. Last night, I fell in love with life.

"Without love we are hollow centers of selfishness, with love we are unstoppable forces of self-liberation. Communication, trust, and chemistry are at the foundation of love. The beginning of love is born in our eyes and grows in our actions. Then in a moment, a line or a look can change every dimension of our relationship, and begin an endless journey toward unity."



I want to make you the center of my world, the wholeness, the beauty, the lifeblood, the source for inspiration and truth. The one that I cherish and embrace for as long as my heart will beat. I want to heal you, protect and free you until life becomes a playground for your soul. I want to be your escape, your catalyst and your song. I want dance with you- I want to be your dance. There is no one in this world more precious to me than you. I adore you in the same way that a night sky adores the stars that glisten and give it beauty. When you smile and tell me that you love me, I begin to believe that I have no other purpose in this life but continue to make you feel and say the same. I care so much about you at times I feel that my heart is going beat so intensely that it rips through my chest and soars into your hands- where It belongs. I have lived so long in the name of personal achievement, accomplishment, and ambition. Then in one instance, when my eyes first caught yours, I feel like the only accomplishment that will ever matter to me is your happiness, our happiness.


You are becoming what I have always envisioned as ideal in my life. Watching you come into your own- like placing lost flowers into a vase of eternal solidarity- has been, and will continue to be the meaning of my Life’s pursuit. You stand unwavering, with knees no longer weakened by the insidious intentions of others, those who only wish to take, knowing that even the most plentiful streams run dry and need replenishment. You mirror my smiles and reflect into me inner truth. You are my unconditional everything, and my reasons for ambition and tranquility.


Proud I am, of your courage, your will and your endless capacity to love. You are my emotional and devotional absolute. Proud I am, of how you don’t stop- you don’t ever let up. In the chaotic perfection of life I have found solace in your arms and sanctity in your eyes.


I bear my soul to you- without hesitation and complete myself by fusing my world and my dreams with yours. You pick fruit from the orchards of my thoughts and plant new seeds of passion and hope in the lush fields of my heart. You give yourself selflessly because you can, and you know that I will be here to embrace and appreciate all that you are. I am proud, I am willing and I will always love you.

Sometimes I think that I would give up my artistic talent just to be some sort of muscician. Of course, sometimes I think that opposite of that, but to be able to play some sort of beautiful music creating instrument would be very fulfilling. I am rather tired. I have a feeling that I am going to burn my house down because last night I left a candle burning throughout the black hours. I think that it was because I had every intention of getting up and going downstairs to get food...that never happened. Anyhow, I can't really think of anything to write, and lunch is in about 3 minutes. Mmmm...food.

{I didn't write this...it's a song}

The sun shines
And leaves blow
And my hope
Like autumn
Is turning brown
And I know it seems like I’m always falling down
But it does not matter to me
Although, it seems like it should
It’s because I know I’m understood
When I hear him say
“Rest in me
Little David
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fear
Because I’m always here
When you’re tired of running
I’m all the strength that you need

It’s uphill
Both ways
Tomorrow
I swear
I won’t act this way
And I know it seems like that is what I always say
But it does not matter to me
Although, it seems like it should
It’s because I know I’m understood
When I hear him say
“Rest in me
Little David
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fear
Because I’m always here
When you’re tired of running
I’m all the strength that you need

…It seems so very far away…

Emotional Novocain


Like every other day she plods in late,
And meanders to her locker whipping sleep
Out of here noticeably tired eyes.
She ambles down the desolate hallway of the school,
And thinks of all the things that she forgot
To do the night before. She thinks of how sad

She has been the past few weeks and how sad
She doesn¡¯t need to be. It isn¡¯t even school
That makes her so sad; it¡¯s herself, lack of sleep,
The fact that she¡¯s always late, she forgets
All the time, and she is always, always late.
She wipes the faint tears from her green eyes.

The glow that once filled these eyes
Has gone. She¡¯s five minutes late
For 1st period, and she already wants to sleep
Again. It¡¯s safe to say that she has forgotten
What sleep felt like, and that makes her sad.
Nights consist of what should have done at school,

But wasn¡¯t. She loves school,
And she never ever forgets
All the things that she should do, instead of sleep.
Her depression is what keeps tears in her eyes
It¡¯s keeps her utterly hopeless and sad
It¡¯s what keeps her up late

Into the night, until it¡¯s too late
To do anything productive except sleep
And it makes her so very sad
To even think about school
And she looks into her own eyes,
And remembers to forget

Everything. She remembers to forget
Everything that even involves school.
She remembers to forget that it¡¯s late.
She forgets that she¡¯s sad.
Closes her eyes,
And falls asleep.

This is the escape of sleep.

This is the poem that I wrote for creative writing. This is why I have to see a councilor.

Wave goodbye to the laughter.
Wave goodbye to the sea.
Beckon near grievous comfort.
Beckon near these tears of me.

Wave goodbye to the sunshine.
Wave goodbye to my joy.
Dark clouds fill my skies.
Now rain drops I employ.

My eyes burn ever so badly. I just sit here with them closed, and probably look crazy. Last night I woke up at about 2:50 a.m., and remembered that before I fell asleep, I was really hungry, so I decided to go down stairs. I knew exactly what I wanted. We had made subs and brownies for lunch, and they were to be mine. So, I went down stairs and ate a sub and a brownie and some Coke, (blah) then I noticed that we had Capn' Crunch, so...
Anyhow, talk about gluttony. I ate so much food...but I paid the price...oh yes...I paid the price. I decided that Capn' Crunch is a dooms-day device. Yes...yes, that may sound crazy, BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP WITH CUTS ALL OVER YOUR MOUTH, YOU'LL THINK THE SAME THING!!! BELIEVE ME!!! So yes...dooms-day device. I rest my case...although my mouth still really hurts.

So it has been decided then; I will own a kitty or two. I am excited. The notion of living on my own is such a soothing concept. I decide. But I also decided that it is an unrealistic one as well. I don't have money to support myself! That's quite disheartening. Maybe my cousin will let me move in with her. I can only pray, because she is one of the coolest people that I have ever come in contact with. She isn't like George or Carrie at all, except she is super funny. I love her, and I am glad that she isn't moving to CA with my Aunt Cindy. I feel really sick. For some reason this morning I needed some sort of caffeinated beverage, and seeing as we still had pop from the night before, I took advantage of that. Now I feel ill, because the pop was flat. (I reiterate: blah) I have to pee like a fiend. Whatever that means. I have ever so much to do. Lauren and I are doing well today.

I swear I am bipolar. Like I said, one minute I am as happy as a lark, and when something goes terribly wrong, I flip out and can't function as a normal human being. It will eventually drive me to insanity...that is...if it hasn't already... I am sure that once I move out of my house I will be okay. I am confident that me moving out of my house will be the solution for everything. Mmmm...solutions. So, who wants to live with me? I am ever so tired. Anyhow, stuff. My lips are chapped. But AH HA! I have Carmex. It tastes so so so bad. I am pretty sure that I didn't do so well on my math exam today. Ah, well, such is life. That's not a Megan phrase, but it applies so I will use it anyway.

Today I woke up at 7 a.m., and didn't know what time it was because my clock is off. The funny thing was that I didn't care at all. I just lay there. Wishing that it were Saturday again.

Whew. I am tired. Mis padres made me get up at 8:00 a.m. Hence, the "whew". Whelp, I hope that I can do something tonight. I have to go to my Grandma's 75th birthday party. I like how last night I referred to it as a "wedding anniversary" as opposed to a "birthday", because I am a dumbass. I don't understand how people can get into sports so much, and know just about everything about every sport. That boggles my mind. I am hungry. We have no food, and I was forced to eat oatmeal for breakfast. For some reason, I thought it would taste "good". Oatmeal is like eating a bowl of barf. That's what it looks like anyway. I haven't showered yet, and it's around 1:00 p.m. I smell really bad. Ewww...there's this guy talking on the radio, and he's breathing really hard. He sounds like he has asthma, or he's trying to breathe through a funnel. You know what earks me? When parents make there kids play all sorts of sports. I mean, if the kid really wants to do it, great, but children should not need to live life at a grueling pace. Kids are supposed to have fun and play in the sand, and chase butterflies, and take naps. That's what I think anyway. I think that if I had kids they would be some damn good kids. I would be one of those mothers that the world needs more of. But I don't even want kids. Why? Because I don't even care now. I'm 17, and why would I care about that now? Like the girls of today (I won't name names so that no one is offended) who make all these plans for the future, and have their kids names, know what color their house will be, and what coffee they will drink every morning, and GAH! That's so irritating. I can't imagine my life next week, let alone in 5 years. Glabshada!!!! {made that word up myself, it means: that is so stupid.} I can't imagine a boxed in life. Call me a simpleton, but I only want what I truly need in life. It is agitating to see people drool over cars and computers and automatic blenders with remote controls. All right...I have to take a shower.

I hate Amellia Badillia. She was so so so so stupid!!!


Days without Josh are sad days...


I want food...nourishment...


Need sleep...


I feel ill...



Daniel Weber needs some medical assistance,
don't you Daniel...

All I can think about right now is my love for life. I can't imagine why I could have ever been so depressed in the past, and I can't even grasp exactly what it was that I could have been so absorbed by. I know why I became so easily depressed, and I know the exact things tha caused my depression. Now that I look back and draw the facts together, connect what was true as opposed to what I lead myself to believe, and realize what it tool to become the emotionally wreckless person that I was, I understand that there wasn't any foundation under the things that I believed in. I would devour all that was negative and all that was impefect, and place them in my heart and in the center of my mind. I would think about them, brew about them, and not release them, and I don't even know why. It's strange. But I have come to realize that sadness is an addiction, and at least I found comfort there. That sounds odd, but it's true. I could use my sadness as a crutch for anything. It's not healthy. All I can say is that I think of all people and how they have insecurities just like myself. It's stupid, it's so futile to think that people brew on an everyday basis about their problems. I can't think very straight ay the moment. It's frusterating, so I will call it quits.

I want ice cream.
Dave Thomas is dead...
Mrs. Dunn is screaming at Alex Smith.
Karly is cute.
My head hurts a lot.
I want to travel around the U.S.
It smells like butts in here.
That reminds me of The Great Bear Lodge.
The room I slept in smelled like crotch.
I slept in the bed...
Ewww...
So did other people...
Ewww...
I am wearing meat shoes.
But I am not wearing black...
Oh wait, yes I am...
I still want ice cream...

I was hungry last night at 3:00 a.m. Now it's 10:09 a.m., and I am still hungry. >cough< I feel rather peaked. That means fatigued, tired, or worn out. Hmmm... I think far too much. But last night was a delightful exception. As I lie in my bed, I did my very best to avoid the thinking and analyzing process at all cost. So, for about two hours I simply wrote. When I was done writing I was decided that I was tired, and I was, but once I stood up and was moving around, putting paper away and such I got a second wind. So, I had nothing to do. I couldn't write anymore, because I couldn't think of anything to write about. All that had needed to be said, had been. So I sat, Indian style, (that seems racist) on my bed, and stared out the window at the snow covered landscape. It was quite splendid. I didn't do anything. I didn't think, I didn't ponder, I didn't wish, I didn't hope, I didn't brew ... I simply sat and stared and dreamed. Who thought that it would ever be that easy to find peace? Quite serene. I sat there for a good hour, until my eyelids weighed my down onto my pillow, and I fell asleep.

Bamboozled: best word ever...

All that I have eaten for the past week has been chili. I am really sick of it. Yet, I refuse to make something. AH, the wonderful world of laziness. I am drinking out of a gaudy goblet. That makes me laugh. Goblets are so much fun! Or maybe I am simply loosing my grasp on reality/my mind. Today in church our pastor talked about how everyone has their own vision on his or her own life. They forever strive for that ideal vision, and things have to be sacrificed in order to complete that vision. I spaced out for a hefty portion of that message, or was just drawing picturesof Paige as an axe-murderer, but despite this I really thought about my own personal vision on life. I know the exact moment that I desired to see what was past the boundaries of my own life. I remember it quite vividly. I wanted to explore life, and I was disgusted by all that bound me. Quite perplexed and perturbed was I. It was on a retreat with my church's high school youth group. It was somewhere close to Columbus in a "youth hostel", whatever that means. {It was simply a house for groups of people to stay in} People that I had known for a long time surrounded me; people that I thought I knew the best. For the first time, I realized that I just didn't fit. I didn't belong. It really confused me. By "I didn't fit in" I don't mean that they rejected me, but we just didn't connect on the same level. There was something that separated our perspectives. The people who were there had differing mindsets than my own. Their mentalities I just couldn't relate with. At any rate, there I was, at a house that was simultaneously a public place and "grandma's house". I needed to escape the narrow-mindedness that was permeating the room. So, I went outside for a breather. There really wasn't anywhere reclusive to go to, but I managed to find a picnic table, under a willow tree in the corner of the yard. I sat. My only company was a notebook and the lightning bugs. All that I wanted to do was write what I was feeling, but I couldn't. So in a desperate attempt to join all of my muffled thought, I started to move my pencil. This is what I wrote:

I can't think for the life of me.
It's seems like concentrating on anything
Is out of the question.
I can't analyze situations or people
My mind draws blank
I don't feel creative or inspired
And what I want to say I can't
It's like I'm in a foreign country
Out of my comfort zone, but I have found solace.
I can't even understand what I think
But I can dream
Stirred up in my mind are dream I can't imagine
Boiling and Brewing, wishing to get out
I must be tired.


As I sat on the picnic table, facing the west, the sun began to sink into the landscape at its own leisure, until I couldn't see its form anymore. But I wasn't done. I wanted to see it go down wholly. I tried to shift so that I could see. Alas, I still couldn't. The only way I would have been able to see it, was if I got up, jumped the fence and the bushes that were hindering me from seeing the sun, and ran into the far off field. All of the sudden I had an epiphany. It was like an analogy to my personal inner turmoil. Ah-ha! So, I wrote this:

Feel contained
Like I'm forever trapped in a life
That I have to live
It's required of me
It shouldn't be any other way
But I look out
Past my boundaries
And I see a forest
My eyes can't see past its tall trees
Or it's thick brush
They can only imagine
But my heart wants to me free
Shatter the chains that bind me
I can see the sunset behind the woods
And that's were I want to be
Just to walk and never stop
What a freedom
I desire to be on the other side
But even then would I be satisfied?

So, here we see that I am once again not sure of my own desires, and I am left feeling controlled and hopeless.

All that I really want is to live. I love life more than anything, and I suppose that sometimes it seems best to end it because who wants to live a life that is miserable and not free. I don't. I am questioning if I am simply being selfish. I want to live life my own way. Is that selfish? And when I am pushed into a life that I don't agree with or enjoy, I have no reason to be happy about it. I loose my reason to truly love to live. I would never end my life - ever. Of that much I am sure. But I do question life a lot. As I write this I find that I am so unsure about far more than I assumed that I was... All I want is peace of mind. I suppose that I will never be sure of everything in life. All that I want is to live. There are so many things that I love, and I feel as if I am being kept from those, but am I keeping it from myself? Things move to fast. All that I want to do is sit back and laugh. Lie in the snow for a while, and be at ease. I just need to be reassured that everything will be all right. Because I carry these burdens on my shoulders and around my ankles and it's hard to press on sometimes. I don't mean to me negative or a pessimist, I am simply questioning. I don't feel sorry for myself; I just want to know the answers. Do I bring it upon myself? I just don't know. This is making no sense...if it was making any sense at all I have lost it. So, I will go before I confuse myself more.


"I want to lie in the sand, and have sun shine on me. Is that way too much to ask?"

I am feeling rather voided at the moment. Rather voided indeed. I think that this is the combination of no sleep last night and the lack of human contact. I am jealous of those of you who can just leave the house and go to wherever you want, or ask your parents to leave and they let you go, or can even makes plans in advance and they let you leave. I myself do not have this luxury, and it is, in fact, making me sad. It was quite disheartening last night when no one came over. I suppose that this is my own damn fault for having high expectations, but nontheless, disheartening. I just wanted to talk to someone. I called numerous people, but then gave up, because I figured that, being as it was a Saturday night, everyone was out. I hope that everyone had a lovaly evening. I finished my portrait, painted another painting that I titled "my paradox", made oddles of jewlery, which I have been meaning to do for quite some time, and cleaned my room. I called Lauren, to chat and what not. I wanted to see how she was, andsimply just enjoy her company. Whatever was I thinking? She didn't say a word, and I asked her if I should let her go and she told me that was my decision, and I said actually it's your decision because you are the one that is being distant.
"I just don't have anything to say"
"Well, it didn't used to be so difficult for you to make conversation."
"Ya, those were the good 'ol days"
"As opposed to the 'bad days', which I am assuming are now?"
"You don't have to think that they were the good days, but I do."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you aren't obligated to think that they were that great, but I do think that they were."
"Now, what days are we talking about exactly."
"I don't know."

I love it. I want to talk to her, and be with her, but she is hell-bent on the fact that I have changed to such an extent that she just can't connect with me anymore. It really hurts. Well, I have to get ready for church. Listening to aenima compels one to say "fuck" A LOT. Hmmm...I can't imagine why.

Autumn




"Well," the girl said as she looked out over the landscape, I think it's high time that we get ourselves out of this town.? They stood on the front porch overlooking the empty, dismal road. She took a long drag of her cigarette then threw it to the ground. “I have to quit,?she laughed. As the cold breeze picked up, her golden, blonde hair got tangled up in the wind. “And that’s another thing,?she said, “This is the windiest spot in the United States!? The girl whom she was talking to lifted her head and exposed a luminous smile. They laughed, picked up their suitcases, and walked down the steps.

There was a soothing fragrance in the air, one of dead leaves and the fresh autumn air. The girl shut her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the cold breeze fill her lungs. The trees were half bare while the ground was covered in a thin blanket of gold and crimson. An awkward feeling grew in the girl’s eyes as she walked down the cement steps to her car. That feeling soon materialized into silvery tears running down her soft cheeks. “I don’t understand.? She stopped and put her bags down to reach into her pocket. She placed another cigarette in her mouth. “I love autumn, you know. It’s my favorite season. Everything is so beautiful…it’s such a transformation. Nature exfoliates into a thousands colors, and it captivates me like nothing else in the world. I can’t explain it.? Her eyes fell to the ground.

“You know that it’s no good here. You know what lives here,?the other girl said, “No matter how beautiful it is, you know it’s no good.?She placed a hand on her friend’s back. “No more tears.?

“Can we just…sit here…on your porch, for just a little while?? She wiped her face.

“I don’t see any harm in that.?

They sat for a long time, absorbing the atmosphere, watching the life that summer had left behind fade away and fall to the ground. Neither one spoke. There was nothing to say. They just listened to the wind and remembered how it used to be.

“Do you remember when we used to go to Taco Bell every night, and just hang out in there until it either closed or they made us leave??

“Wow, we had no lives…and still don’t.? They laughed and shook their heads.

“Or that one summer that we sat out here every night? How you played your harmonica, and I laughed about how bad it sounded? We were such children then. So innocent.? Another curtain of silence fell over them as the laughter died down.

“Well…do you think that we should go now?? She nodded in agreement, and the two stood up.

“Yeah, I think that it’s time to leave this all behind.?She stared at the desolate street once more her eyes fixed on the unrestrained leaves that blew down the street. They had nowhere to go. They just let the wind carry them.

“Are you ready to go??Her friend interrupted her thoughts.

“Yes,?she said.

I'm judging by the look on your face that you aren't happy. Well, I suppose that I wouldn't expect anything less. You haven't been the same person these past few weeks. You haven't been yourself. It's as if someone else is inside you and we all just see your shell. I don't like it. I don't like it. It isn't right. It isn't ethical. You can't just decide to change! You can't just make up your own rules. Who do you think you are? You can't just decide things for yourself and have it be alright. There's punishment for that. I'll have to report you. It's just not right. And I hope that you learn your lesson, I really do. Because I don't want to have to go through with this again. You should have known. I mean, you were always the smart one. You always made the most reasonable decisions. But now...now you just don't know anything. And don't try and tell me that you do know, and I just wouldn't understand. Don't tell me that you are just trying to figure things out. I know there is only one way of reasoning, and you will follow it and you will believe it and you will humble yourself to it because I said so.

To be very honest with you, the days are far too short. I can't explain to you why I feel that way. It isn't that the nights are too long either. They’re short as well. The only thing that’s bothering me, and by bothering I don’t mean pestering, is that I can't find the time to do anything.

What do you mean?

What I mean is that there aren't enough hours in the day. I know that’s quite the cliché, but for lack of better phraseology that's how I shall put it. I feel like time is my adversary. It spills threw my fingers like sand, and despite the fact that I do everything physically and emotionally possible to save it, it still falls away. On the opposite end of that spectrum, when I wish for time to pass it won't. It taunts me. It’s calculatedly cruel. Don't you see?

I suppose, but what I don't understand is why you have to clash with it. Just let it be.

That's more arduous than it sounds. You can't just leave time be, nor can you just let life be. They are virtually the same entity. They are two diverse components that make up one, and if you try to direct or manipulate either of them, you'll discover that it gets you nowhere. But I imagine that my problems are more profound than a simple period of time. All that I am saying is that I need more time to contend with my turmoil.

So it isn't even time that you’re apprehensive about.

No, no, time is what concerns me, and it is the shortage of it that makes my dilemma worse. It doesn't aid me in my pursuit of figuring things out.

So, why trouble yourself with worrying about time, because in fact you're wasting it. Center your attention on what is truly what needs to be worried about. But don't worry, don't agonize. That will do you no good, and anyway it's futile. What you need to do is merely recognize that there isn't anything that you can do about how time is played out, and deal with the things that must be dealt with.

I don't know how. I really don't know the answers and I don't know were to find them. I am utterly lost. I feel as if I am standing in an enormous room, feebly gawking up at its spaciousness, and becoming conscious of the notion that all the answers I desire could take forever to attain. I contemplated just letting things naturally play themselves out, but that could be devastating. And it seems so casual. So, I concluded that my only alternative was to figure things out by myself, and decide what is true and right based on what I think. But my setback is I don't even know where to initiate my search.

Maybe what you are seeking can only be figured out through experience. You can't always figure things out yourself either. Sometimes you need a partner. Some questions are not preordained to be answered, alone or otherwise. Just let them rest, let them settle. Eventually the truth will come to you. If you stop searching you will, in time, grasp that all you needed to do was stop, and wait for the truth to come to you. There is a difference between this and letting situations simply unfold. It is less careless. I suppose that is because you have more influence.

feeling something here
rain
maybe... love
i'll miss you
tonight the land spills over
onto the breathless canvas of life
The desperation to live this picturesque life
fucking religion
used
memoir \ jerico
natural selection
yo tengo cansada
yo no puedo sentirme los labio ya yo no puedo hablar la verdad
life plan
transformation
love span
tear drops from careless eyes
that rinse in the black hours of the day
they burn they burn
they burn so much
these eyes
why
too bad for you
too bad for fucking you
open
bleeding
breeding
focus
too little
too much
almost full
almost full of this
need more
I need it all
all of it
every ounce
inside of me
and i feel it coming over me
overwhelming me
compelling me
to loose control
fade away
I just want to hear it
I just want to see it
feel it
feel it
feel it
I am far too connected
to fall away now







I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

So, you don't think that you will...

No..no, I...I didn't say that. What I said was that I didn't know what perspective to put it in.

That's rather vague.

I know, but think about it...Well, don't think about it, because I sure as hell don't know what to think about it. But maybe...maybe you can. Maybe you can help me figure it out; help me put it into perspective.

Well, what do you want to know?

I don't know...

Now who's being vague?

I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just really don't even know where to begin to think about it.

Well, then, let's start out with the basics: would you ever?

I don't know. All is dependent on my heart. Because I know that I would -

There, then you would...

Yeah...yeah, I guess I would sooner or later.

So what's stopping you?

I...well...time has to play its self out correctly. I don't want to hurry something that will mean so much to me. I just...I guess the real question is when the time would be right.

Fine...so...

I don't know. I don't know! I guess I am just really confused. I don't know what to think anymore. I used to be so sure, but now I realize that in my small and inexperienced mind I really don't know as much as I thought I did. Well, it isn't that I thought that I knew a whole lot, but I did think that I was a stable person. I assumed that I could at least make intelligent decisions, but now...now...I just don't know anymore. I reach for the answers, and they just aren't as easy to find anymore. I get really frusterated about it sometimes, but then, in the midst of all that confusion I consider the notion that maybe I don't even want the answers.

Well, there won't be any definate answers anymore. The world is comprised of many different views, perspecitves, and morals and principals.

God, don't even talk about all of the fucking morals that come into play.

I can tell that they affect you, though. They affect your decision making process.

They haunt me...

I think that it's time to make decisions for yourself...

A. I was just electricuted...
B. That's really funny.
C. Aenima is a very good album
D. God's judgement for me listening to TOOL was the elecricution
E. I'll bet that he laughed when he saw me get elecricuted...
F. That is a very funny mental picture...A guy in a toga with a long white beard chuckling at human misfortune...tell you what, that is fu-nee. Hee-hee.


That's about it...

So...my mom woke me up at 7 a.m. this morning. "You have to get back into your routine," she says. We-he-hell, might I add that I have never really had a sleeping routine. So, tired am I. My mom has put me on this protine diet, and I can't eat any carbohydrates or sugars. Before when I tried this is was by my own free will, and that failed. So, maybe now that someone else is controlling me I will in fact loose weight. I am drinking hot tea. My chest hurts. I am pretty sure that there is a piece a bone shrapnal slowlt driving its way into my heart. The mug of tea is very hot. I keep burning myself. Ahhhhh, so tired. I need a shower. Well, I can't think of anything else to write. Soooooooo............yeah. Did I mention that I am tired?

There's nothing easy about this: Living life. I find that as each day passes it simply gets harder. More things to manage, I must be a responsible adult, do chores, I have to be comitted. But I find that as each day passes, it get that much easier as well. I could never explain to you what I think about life. Because the fact remains that I myself am not sure. But I do know this: there are more important things in life than myself. Too often do I find that I am so caught up in my own ordeals that I don't find that time to see how others are doing. Selfish? I think so. When I give myself time to care and love others it isn't nearly as bad. And I know this for a fact. I love, and I am loved, and life its self is that much easier due to that.

Yes, yes, I do in fact think that life is hard. But why make it harder than it should be? I know that I don't always have the best state of mind. And maybe that's my problem. Always considering the most negative things isn't healthy. All I do is soak up all of that remorse and hatred and vile spite towards myself, and place it in my mind. There it rots. Eating away at my fragile heart. There it decays. Running me into the ground and beating me until I can't open my eyes to see the precious light of day. And what kind of life is that to live? Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone hurts now and then. And why should you let that consume you? How is that beneficial??? Love life. Love living. And understand that you only have one life to live.

The edge of the horizon line is orange again. Not a bright, vibrant orange, but a deep, muted orange. It is an orange on the verge of red and the act of sleep. I am sure of the fact that there is some specific name for this hue, but I don't think that it should have any particular title. For beauty should never be labeled. There aren't terms that can sufficiently describe this state of awe. There aren't words that can serve this serenity justice. But staring at these colors on the rim of the earth makes me head tilt to the side, and try to search for a deeper understanding...but there is none. An artist is simply someone in dire need of an escape from reality. And they push the limits of life. They push the boundaries of reality. But the fact still remains that there aren't any boundaries to fantasia. And we find ourselves here reaching for that beauty with all of our hearts for all of our lives, and ending up empty handed.

Oo - oo...
Will to live rising...rising...Sometimes thinking about other people besides yourself helps you to realize that you are a dumbass for thinking that your problems are unsolvable. Anyhow, that's what I have concluded this morning. I had to go into work this morning at 7:45 a.m. until 1:30 p.m., and it was great. I got a lot of money, and had plenty of time to think. It was a double bonus. {sort of...maybe just a bonus} I have been trying to be more optimistic. It seems more healthy. A bit more stress off of me. Offa me shouldas. I am getting a job at Meijer. That in itself is depressing. I promised myself that I would never get a fast food or bagger job, but the fact is that I NEED the money. SO, here is my plan of attack. I work at TR Clark three days a week after school, and five days a week I work at Meijer, and in between those workings I do school work, and them after Meijer I'll have to do school work, too. If I have a grueling schedule I think that I will be more motivated at school.

"You take your car to work
I'll take my board
And when you run out of fuel
I'm still afloat"

...just a thought...anyhow, yes, my room smells nice now! That's exciting. I think. But about the money deal. I have to have about $600 for that, I need to pay about $300 for my car, and I just plain need money. I told my mom that I would become a drug dealer, and she said that was okay, so I might do that as well. Even though I would be tried as an adult. But oh, well. I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep and I had a poem that I thought up. I decided that I should probably get up and jot it down, but then I remembered that I am very lazy, so lazy in fact that I won't even clean the cat poop up in my room. Yep. Anyhow I think that it went a little something like this...

Does your heartbeat keep you up at night?
Does it keep your from your dreams
Life if the mind of a sleeping beauty
Isn't always what it seems...

Something...something...it was better before, I just don't remember. Damn laziness. Hmmm...My eyes burn. That's a sure sign of sleep deprivation...I best be off. I have to go into work today, and I have to do laundry and homework. Life is bliss.

Gar, I woke up this morning feeling like I was about to die. No seriously, well, not seriously, but I felt as if my body was firing me. Or I was firing my body, I'm not sure, but I was weighed down in my bed by my own sinuses and my head decided that moving wasn't an option. I ate a waffle last night and thought that I was going to die. I don't know. But that waffle and I just weren't getting along. I almost started a fistfight with it, but then it backed off. Actually I fell asleep. I didn't want to go home so early last night. It was rather disheartening. I wanted to be around people, in the company of others. You know. Not so lonesome. But I don't understand why I would have been because I was with people for a long time. I just didn't want to be by myself, probably because I contemplate too much. I just ate far far too much chili. Actually I only ate about three fourths of a regular sized bowl. Apparently that was more then enough. Hey hey! I am going to jump into the Maumee River in about an hour! That's exciting! Whew! I have done it the past 3 years! It's crazy. Crazy like a fox. Anyhow, I had better go. I have to get my suit on. Whoo-Whoo...and all that jarbol...