Oh, life...
What next...
I feel like the most corrupt person on the face of the earth. I feel like a pathetic, pitiful, mound of nothingness. Last night, Lauren and Molly came over to help me decorate my Christmas tree. I pushed play on my CD player to put on a CD and Tool came on. One of Molly's biggest convictions is music. She can't take some genres of music because they really affect her on an emotional level. So, that was bad, because she thinks that I am corrupted. So, I skipped the CD and Radiohead came on. And she said something along the lines of, "Pardon me while I go slit my wrists." So that was bad of me and corrupt. And then she found a cigarette butt...Even better. Now I am the epitome of corruption. I know that they weren't meaning to get down on me about my lifestyle, but I feel like I have let them down. I know that I have issues to work through in my life, and I have an idea that were I am emotionally isn't the best place to be. But when they started to question whether or not it might be was Josh's influence, I got really mad. Because I love Josh. They weren't saying that he was a bad person, but still...Now I just feel like an absolute asshole. I feel like I am a terrible person, and I don't know where I am going anymore. I am lost...I am tired of being a lost little girl. I am tired of being tired. I just want to live my life, and not be convicted. I hate people judging me. I get enough off it from my parents. I get told enough that I am worthless, even if they don't mean it...It still hurts...It still cuts me to the core. I am tired...and all I want is someone to hold me...and tell me that it will all be ok...

I have decide to stop questioning things. Because I find myslef doing that all to often. I ananlize situcations and circumstances all the time. And it's not healthy. Why would I want to question what I love and what is good. How could that ever be beneficial? I just need to sit back and let life unfold itself. Because I won't always find the answers. I desire solid answers. But they won't always be there.

Life isn't meant to be figured out...
I just want to live
I just want to laugh
I just want to know that I'm not alone













In a haze
A stormy haze
I'll be round
I'll be loving you always
Always...

Here I am
And I'll take my time
Here I am
And I'll wait in live always
Always...

For you,

I'd bleed myself dry...

Did I drive you away?
I know what you’ll say,
You say, “Oh, sing one we know,”
But I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you,
That’s what I’ll do.

I say ah....
I say ah....

My heart is yours
It’s you that I hold on to
That’s what I do
And I know I was wrong
But I won’t let you down
Oh, ya, I will
Ya, I will
It's so easy...

I say ah....
I cry ah....

Yeah I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
And I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks


(Song by Coldplay)

I don't understand. I don't understand world. And the ways of life. I don't understand life. I don't understand what it is all about. I know why I am here, but that doesn't mean that I want to be. I think that things will eventually figure themselves out. All in good time. But it doesn't feel like "good time" because life isn't working on my agenda. Sleep once again becomes to solution to by innermost turmoil. It will all work out...

Fatigue
This inner pain
That won't ever go away
No matter how much I dream
No matter how much I pray
It will always remain
In these eyes and these lips
This undescribable pain



I am very sad. My cousins and my aunt are moving away. My mom yells at me because I eat too much and sleep too less. My dad thinks I am mean. Lauren resents me, but won't confess it. I feel like I am a terrible girlfriend. Why is everything going wrong. In a time where I feel like I should be so very happy. I am not. I don't know what to do. I think that I will sleep.

Because sleep has become a solution for all of my problems. It is a medication, a drug. It has an unexplainable cure. When I don't know what to do, I sleep. It is an escape. A place of no worry or pain.

I can't find any escapes lately. I think that I just need a break. I wish that I could catch pneumonia somehow. Last time I had pneumonia I was out of school for two weeks. That would be nice. Winter break will be much desired and much deserved. I think that - Oh, God, it's raining. I think that I will go and stand in the rain for a while. Here's my release.

i am full
i am the essence of strength
and i am the core of all protection

my frame is thick
iron and novocaine are my armor
and i feel no pain

untouchable am i
this being covered in a coat of darkness
calloused, hard, unreachable

i see through the lies
i see through the patronizing
i can see all these things
...but in your arms I can't think of anything, save you.
and my exterior crumbles and fades away
and once again i am vulnerable
in your arms