"I had a chance once, to hold on to something precious, something that was beautiful, something that I loved. But I wanted it to be free. I did not want to crush it under the weight of my love. So I left it sit there in my hand not knowing that the only thing I had to do to keep it was clench my fingers together. I could have saved it, but I did not know how. I thought that if I just loved it, if I just focased on it day and night, if I just told myself how I adored it and cared for it in my heart, than it would love me, too. But I was wrong. And this love of mine that I held so dear flew away from me. Now, not even the tears that I cry can bring it back. This love in my heart has no where to go. It just flutters around in my heart, trying to leave, but I know that it cannot."

I couldn't be more of a jackass. Life for me right now is such a chore and drudgery. I should have been happy. I should have been so fucking happy. But now, all I can think is that I am exactly what I never wanted to be and I have exactly what I never wanted to have. Life is such a bitch. I reach so far for the things that I want, and when I aquire them I turn my head to the left and find what I really needed all along. I am so foolish. I should be so happy. When I consider that I could have had it all, that it was right in front of me, and all that I needed to do was take it, all I needed to do was recognize it, I just want to cry. I could be so happy. Why is it that the mystery of things is so intriging? But only every once and a while do we see that the mystery never leaves. And that is such a beautiful thing. One of the most beautiful things. And I passed it up. I passed up one of the best things in the world. And it kills me. It strangles me. All I want is you. All I want is your touch. I want to know that I am that face that you see every night before you close your eyes to sleep. I want to know that you care...just as much as I do. But I can't have any of that. I can't even get a taste of that. Because we are stuck in two different worlds. And I don't know how you look at yours. Mine used to be a haven...but I am pining away. Drowning in my own self-inflicted misery. Choking in this thick smoke of pain that I cause myself, while others will soon feel the heat of second-hand. And it's all my fault. I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. There is too much pain, and all that I wanted was someone to hold. All that I wanted was the feeling of human touch. But that just isn't enough. I need you to hold...

My head hurts from being so lost
And my mind aches from being so very confused
I don't know what to do
And the only thing that I once trusted
My own heart
Has betrayed me

The sense of smell is something that I have truly come to appreciate. Last night I stuck my head out the window to see if the moon was visible. It had rained earlier in the evening, and I wanted to know if the thick film of clouds that had been there before still remained. It was still there. But the amazing thing was the aroma rain that had already passed still settled softly in the air. I leaned out my window and absorbed the scent of the rain. It was the smell of fresh rain newly mixed into the parched earth, the smell of a cleansing process, the smell of the refreshed earth. It was awe inspiring. And I just completely took advantage of that one moment in time. It was one of those moments where your spirit is freed, and you remember just how good life is...

It really kills me that people pry into my life. I don't mean in the sense that they know things about me. What I am saying is that I cannot stand people judging me or telling me what I am supposed to be doing. It kills me! I am not claiming to know everything, nor am I saying that I have everything together and figured out, but I do know this, that I know what I love, and I know what I feel, I know I will learn from mistakes, I know that I have come a long way and still have quite a ways to go. But I also know that I am definite of what I love, and that is what truly matters...

Feelings intrigue me.
I find myself always feeling.
My life is based so heavily on emotions.
But I can never feel true.
I guess that emotions can be so strong at times,
all of them so strong that they weigh me down
as I try to absorb them.
I don't know what to do with them.
So, I pile them up higher and higher until I crumble.
But right now I am so numb...
I don't know what to feel or how to go about feeling it.
I have never been so happy,
but at the same time I know
that I have never been at such a low point in life.
Both feelings cancel each other out...and I am numb.
My heart is so confused.
Of course,
I will obviously lean towards the things
that make me the most happy and fulfilled.
But when I am reminded of the bad
my heart sinks...lower and lower

I love my friends.
They make me so happy.
I love my town, although it's small, I love it.
I feel safe, and safety is one of the most comforting feelings.
I want to move to Buxton.
That town brings out the best in me.
The natural, true me is exposed, and I feel so at ease.
Mellow...
And feeling at ease is one of the best feelings in the entire world.
I want to fly...
And never come down...
Until next time...

"You mustn't be afraid of the dark. Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning. The tragedy of man is that he doesn't know how to distinguish between day and night. He says things at night that should only be said by day."

~ Elie Weisel

ok, so this is my first entry...
The beginning of a new, beautiful relationship with my computer: the electric friend that I never had, nor wanted, but somehow we manage spend hours and hours together...Anyhow, writing is fun. I think that I will enjoy this immensely. And I hope that everyone who reads this will enjoy it as well. So today, I was opening my door to yell at my brothers, and I had the word "HEY!" out, but as I went to swing my door open I leaned forward, and slammed the door into my face. It was sadly entertaining. Not so much for me, but more for my mom and brothers. My brother Mac put syrup all over my face yesterday in an attempt to "make me beautiful". And when he did I screamed at the top of my lungs, and ran into the W.C. to wash it off. When I looked in the mirror I saw that I was so upset that my face was beet red. Not so much red, or fire-engine red, or candy apple red. Something more in the lines of beet red. Kari is writing me a "Megan's Guide to Blog Internet Somethin er Nother". I am excited. Whew. I have never been so happy in my life. It is so nice to feel like everything in the world is just fine and as it should be, even though I realize in my subconscious that it isn't. I think that psychology, the whole idea of the id, and superego, and subconscious, and conscious, and all things that revolve around that are extremely interesting. Then the whole consept of convergent thinking, and divergent thinking interests me, too. Just knowing how the mind works, with the consideration of emotions. Dreams are very intreguing as well. I might consider going into that as some sort of profession. I told that to Lauren, and she told me that I would mess everyone one up. Because I read into situations too much. I don't know. Here's a really random poem that I wrote the other day. It's really just a stream of conscious. Here's the poem...

Golden whistle
Noticably louder than before
The escaped touch of random gentleness
Engulfing fingers persuing lonely skin
Absent frenzy forgeting forever to leave
Behind this never-ending busy state of mind
Left behind-this mind
A conscience forever left behind
Welcome a mellow tongue and loose lips
Wave hello to a new sunrise
When I lie in your arms at dawn
Cheating rules and judgemental values
Because it hurts too much to be alone
And the painted moon smiles
And glows
And lets us sleep.

End.

testing...1...2...3...work?